Memo
Re: A Modest Proposal Concerning Newman
It is a well-known fact that if a school wants to be known as a good school, it needs to project a positive image. Therefore, we will be phasing in various new measures over the next few years so that we can actualize our goal of being a top-notch school. At the end of this period, student behavior will be controlled such that students no longer reflect poorly upon the school. When people see that our students are well behaved, they will assume, without consideration of other criterion, such as academics, that Newman is an excellent school.
Starting immediately, we must work to improve the school's image. A dress code is the best means of achieving this goal. We can gradually implement it, so that students won't become aware until it's too late, hence bypassing any protests. Eventually, the dress code will be in effect not only during school hours, but also from 6 A.M. to 10 P.M. everyday, including weekends. However, a dress code can only have a limited effect. After it has been phased in, stage two of our plan shall be executed. The rules currently in place, governing student behavior inside a radius of only a few blocks, are much too lenient. Rules should be instituted prohibiting students from speaking, spitting, smoking, eating, drinking, sneezing, coughing, or breathing too loudly inside a five mile radius of the school at any time. Students may purchase more freedom by selling raffle tickets. The ideal rule would control students everywhere they go, but the Constitution mentions something or other about civil liberties. We may be able to circumvent these fundamental liberties by purchasing small lots 10 miles apart, and designating them as campuses. Then, we will have numerous five mile circles in which we can control student behavior. Also, when feasible, a tunnel should be constructed, running underground starting at Newman and ending at Back Bay Station, with a branch going to Copley. This tunnel can be built by students in detention and academic probation. (The labor will be more productive than what they do now, that is, sweep the same clean spot on the floor repeatedly or stare at the same page in the book for an hour). Thus, we will eliminate the problem of students contaminating our image by being visible, since if people never see students, they cannot judge them, and assume them to be well behaved. However, if the unthinkable does occur, and a student is seen, the dress code and strict rules concerning behavior will ensure that the student projects a favorable image of the school.
As students promote a positive opinion of the school, academics will become superfluous. Thus, academics can be eliminated as the school's reputation improves. Since the dress code will allow people to assume that we are a good school, we will no longer need academics to build a reputation. "Reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic" will have disappeared almost completely by the time the dress code and other policies are firmly in effect. The best part is, our reputation will not be hurt at all. We must, however, keep options open to students who still wish to pursue academics. Therefore, a student will be able to choose an elective in math, science, literature, languages, or social science, but not more than one. The purpose of this will not truly be to enlighten students, but so that when outsiders and prospective parents come, they will have a class to observe. In an ideal day at this new Newman school, a student would come in via the tunnel, dressed as neat as can be, and stare at a wall for six hours, or, if they are feeling ambitious (although we can fix this), they can write something on the wall for other students to stare at. However, writing anything over 10 words will be regarded as an act of education resulting in a detention, hard labor in the tunnel, or a frontal lobotomy when available. An alternative to this is to show movies in all of the rooms, all of the time. This plan will require minimal implementation, as it is already mostly in effect. The rooms can then be renamed Cinemas I, II, III, etc.... These reforms are in the best interests of the school, of course. Any students who are serious about academics won't tolerate the boredom, and will soon be gone. In this way, we eliminate a good share of the independently minded students, who tend to protest about the most minor issues, like complete disregard for civil liberties and academics. These students are disliked by many people because they think and try to make others think, something people prefer not to do. With these troublemakers gone, no one will be left but lazy sheep who wouldn't protest because it takes too much energy. Those students who do misbehave will be "broken" by hard labor or lobotomy, thus keeping the positive image of the school intact. And so, we will have no more discipline problems, only mindless conformists, consequently increasing the good repute of the school because most people assume that a school in which students conform is successful.
These changes are also in the best financial interests of the school. As our reputation for "excellence" increases, our tuition can be increased proportionally. As academics are phased out, large amounts of money, previously squandered on academics, will be freed up in the budget. This money can be used to buy more lots of land, or to hire more administrators to enforce the dress code. Some may question the policy of keeping too much administration, but there is no limit to the benefits brought about by having twenty different deans, and perhaps only 10 vice-headmasters. Also, as our good reputation increases, so will the school's standing. Hence, students will get better jobs because of this added prestige, regardless of skills and knowledge. As students graduate, they will become rich due to the improved status of the school. This will lead to sizable donations from alumni. Although on the surface, it would seem that students wouldn't be able to make useful societal contributions, this is not true. This school is in America, where students spend their high school careers learning how to "self-actualize" themselves and rarely spend any time on academics. The lack of academics will never be noticed.
Further minor modifications will be needed so that this plan will be executed smoothly. However, the skeleton plan that was outlined above is the basic principle behind all recent and impending changes at the school. For better ideas in monitoring students, all administration should read 1984 by George Orwell. Actually, a quick reading of the Cliff Notes will be sufficient. Those never learned to read can just see the movie. It will be showing in Cinema II at 2:00, 5:00, and 8:00. The accounting offices, meanwhile, should find out what telescreens cost, and if they offer special deals for schools claiming to be non-profit. Do not hesitate to ask anyone about these current and future changes, even though your opinions don't matter.