A Modest Proposal for Remedying Every Problem in Every School Everywhere
By Adam Bongarzone
It is increasingly obvious that if a school wants to build a good reputation, it needs to project a positive image. Therefore, schools with many troubles, and indeed, those with few troubles as well, should consider implementing the following measures to remedy their problems and become schools known for their excellence.
The most important reform is a dress code, which is a well-known way of improving a school’s image. The best way to institute a dress code is gradually, so students won’t become aware until it is too late, hence avoiding any protests or other manifestations of freethinking. Dress codes should eventually be in effect most of the day and on weekends. Unfortunately, dress codes can only have a limited effect. More rules should be applied afterwards. Most schools control their students’ behavior in very small radii within a few blocks of the campus. New rules could prohibit students from speaking, spitting, smoking, eating, drinking, sneezing, coughing, listening to music, or breathing within a five-mile radius of the school at any time. Ideally, students should be controlled everywhere they go, but the Constitution mentions some nonsense about civil liberties. Schools can circumvent these fundamental liberties by purchasing small lots 10 miles apart, and designating them as campuses. Then, schools will have numerous circles with five-mile radii in which they can control students. Ideally, outsiders should never see students. However, underground tunnels are simply not in most schools budgets.
If all goes well, and students promote a positive opinion of the school, academics will be rendered superfluous. Since the dress code makes people assume that the school is a good one, academics will no longer be needed to build a reputation. Thus, academics can be eliminated as the school’s status improves. By the time the dress code and other policies are in effect, traditional academics will have disappeared almost completely. Options could be kept open for students who want to pursue academics, for instance, electives in math, science, literature, or social science, but if schools want a quiet, submissive student body, administrations should limit these choices. The true purpose of these classes would not be to enlighten students, but to give outsiders and parents something to observe. In a perfect school, students will come to school dressed extremely neatly, and watch movies for the entire day. This plan will require minimal implementation, as it is already mostly in effect in most schools. Rooms might be renamed Cinemas I, II, III, etc. These reforms are in the best interests of all schools, of course. Any students who are serious about academics won’t tolerate the boredom and will soon be gone. In this way, independently minded students are eliminated. This is good for a school because these students are always looking for something to protest, like a lack of an education and complete disregard for civil liberties. With these students gone, no one will be left but drooling idiots who wouldn’t protest because it takes too much energy. Any students who do misbehave can be “broken” through various means, like hard labor, or lobotomies. These mindless lemmings will increase the good repute of the school because most people assume that a school in which students conform is successful.
These changes are also in the best interests of any school. As a school’s reputation for “excellence” increases, tuition can be increased proportionally in private schools, and in public schools, more funds may be appropriated to “maintain the level of achievement.” Also, as academics are phased out, large amounts of money, previously squandered on academics, will become available. This money can be used to hire more administrators to enforce the dress code, buy VCRs, or to buy more lots of land. Some may question the policy of hiring to much administration, but there is no limit to the benefits brought about by having twenty different deans. Also, as students graduate, they would become rich due to the added prestige of the school. This may lead to sizable donations from alumni. Although on the surface, it would seem that students wouldn’t be able to make useful societal contributions, this is not true. There is a great demand for politicians, Hollywood executives, and of course, more school administrators. The lack of academics would never be noticed.
By using this simple plan, schools will be able to achieve a status previously thought to be unattainable. Although the students and teachers may lose out, these changes benefit the administrators, who will gain inflated salaries as their schools become more “successful.” If these ideas were adopted universally, there is no telling what amazing heights of wealth and prosperity could be accumulated, simply by sacrificing a little knowledge.