Mike Benedetti's Fairy Tale, June 1999:

The Wedding

Once the princess was to be wed. The king was very happy because the wedding would change all the aspects of his kingship for the better.

Four days before the wedding, the wizard sent a message to the king, demanding that he be sent a maiden. Ordinarily this would be no problem, but all the maidens were needed as bridesmaids and to cook and clean for the wedding feast.

The king asked his woodsman to take care of things.

The woodsman played his flute and there emerged from the wood a she-wolf. The woodsman dressed the wolf as a maiden and told the wolf to travel to the home of the wizard without stopping for food and drink. The tasty wizard would be her reward.

After a long day's journey the hungry she-wolf arrived at the cave of the wizard. "That's a pretty strange looking maiden," said the wizard. "Looks like a wolf." The wizard caused a small deer to emerge from the wood, and the she-wolf fell upon it, staining the ground with steaming blood.

As he watched, the wizard said to himself, "This is pretty cool, but not as cool as a maiden."

The next day, the king received another message from the wizard, demanding a maiden. The king yelled at the woodsman, then asked his blacksmith to take care of things.

The blacksmith happened to have a metal woman in the back of his shop, which he had made to occupy his lusts in the days before he had a wife. The blacksmith attached a clever trap which would ensnare the wizard. Then he oiled the woman, dressed her as a maiden, and sent her to the home of the wizard.

After a long day's journey the metal woman arrived at the cave of the wizard. The wizard's assistant was alone in the cave. The assistant thought he would take advantage of this mute and awkward maiden, so he embraced her and wrestled her to the ground. Like praying hands, two metal prongs thrust from the belly of the woman into the chest of the assistant, ripping his torso as they spread in anguish.

As he watched, the wizard said to himself, "This is pretty cool, but not as cool as a maiden."

The next day, the king received a third message from the wizard, demanding a maiden. The king yelled at the blacksmith, then asked his scribe to take care of things.

The scribe took scroll and pen in hand and wrote a description of a maiden, a description so real that while reading it you might believe an actual maiden stood before you. Then he cleverly segued into a ghost story so scary that it would kill anyone who read it.

The scribe mailed the scroll to the wizard.

After a long day's journey the scroll arrived at the cave of the wizard. When the wizard read it, he did indeed have the illusion that a beautiful maiden stood before him. Then he read the ghost story, but as it turns out the ghost was an old friend, and the wizard knew that the ghost would never do any of the horrible things that happened in the story, and so the wizard was not frightened one bit. The wizard cut the scroll in two, placing the part about the maiden under his mattress, and placing the part about the ghost story in the fire, where the flames licked the edges and freed the ghost's ghost from the letters in a yellow blaze.

As he watched, the wizard said to himself, "These guys are pretty inventive. I wonder why they can't manage to send a maiden?"

The wedding day was festive. Flowers, food, and all that. The church was packed with nobles and servants and lots of maidens in cloudlike dresses.

Music filled the air, snuggling against the beams of sunlight that drifted through the windows of the church.

The Archbishop stood at the front of the church, smiling condescendingly. The king sat in his pew, smiling heartily. This would be a good wedding.

Suddenly, the stench of brimstone. The Archbishop grew pale, then turned and vomited beside the altar. And there, smelling the like insides of an Archbishop, was the wizard.

"Where is the king?" yelled the dazed wizard, looking around. The wedding guests began to yell in anger at him, and the king's guards raced forward with bright swords.

"Silence!" yelled the wizard, this time augmenting his voice with magical reverb, and burning the curtains off the walls with lightning. Everyone was quiet with terror.

"I have not received my tribute!" yelled the wizard, this time using his natural voice. "A maiden I demanded! And none did I receive! Where is the king?"

The king stood up in his pew. "Here I am!" he shouted.

"Good," said the wizard. "You have brought down this misfortune on your people, and it is good for you to witness it."

Confusion.

The wizard, quickly realizing that he'd left something out, clarified: "Since you did not give me the maiden I demanded-- four whole days ago--I claim ALL these maidens as my own."

Shock and anger.

A vast palanquin appeared in the center of the church. A shadowy figure appeared behind each maiden and shoved her into the palanquin. As soon as it was fully-loaded, the figures lifted the palanquin onto their shoulders.

"This is an outrage," said the king. "This aggression will not stand."

The wizard sneered at the king.

"Listen," said the king, "I would gladly give you all of these maidens if you would wait until after the wedding."

"I cannot bear the indignity of waiting another hour," said the wizard. "And anyway, once your daughter is wed she'll no longer be a maiden, so that's one less in the bargain."

"Pardon me," said a voice from inside the palanquin. The crowd turned to see the princess, waving her hand.

"There is one solution that I see," said the princess, "a solution that will make everyone happy, especially me. Why don't I marry the wizard? Then he won't have to wait, he'll get all the maidens, and the wedding will still go on as planned."

"We have an excellent feast planned for later," said the king to the wizard. "Plenty of beet soup, which I know is your favorite."

The wizard bashfully accepted this proposal, and the wedding went on as planned, and it was a smashing success. And despite the years of fighting between the wizard and king which followed, and the angry ex-groom who kept plotting to overthrow the kingdom, the princess lived happily every after, and that's all that really matters.