Welcome to the famous Jack FAQ. Here you'll find answers to many commonly asked questions of the "Jack Staff." We always enjoy hearing from female members of our audience, and are glad to field vaginal questions in addition to common male ones.

1) My penis often gets purply-red after I masturbate as often as you recommend. Should I cut back?

A: Paradoxically, "purply-red" flesh is an indication of INSUFFICIENT stimulation. This type of discoloration is a result of incomplete stroke length. In plain English, you need to slide your hand from the base of your shaft to the tippity-top of your penis-head. Our scientists have data indicating incomplete stroking leads to the induction of non-laminar blood flow (hence the purple coloring). The bottom line: use full, rhythmic strokes to overcome this problem. In addition to this more thorough pumping, Dr. Charcoale points out that it wouldn't hurt to masturbate more often also, just to be sure this problem is short-lived.

2) No matter how often I stroke my penis, I never seem to "come".

A: It seems you have a classic case of non-harmonic phase incompatibility. Put simply, this means the rate at which you stimulute your rectum (you DO do this, right?) is not "in phase" with your shaft stroking. Dr. Stilheimin recommends the use of a metronome to overcome this poor timing. When you achieve proper rhythms once again, you can give the metronome as a gift to a less fortunate sibling. Its interesting to note that even highly precise and rhythmically aware people, such as african tribal drummers, also have this problem (see Dr. Koldklit's paper in Nature:12 1978, pp123-178)

3) When I'm finished maturbating, I always notice I'm laying in a puddle of my own semen. Is there a way to overcome this annoyance?

A: No.

4) How often should I masturbate, ideally?

A: There is no single number we can give to apply to all people. However, Dr. Frine has devised this formula to allow you to make this determination with accuracy and confidence. Take body weight (in pounds). Round up.

5) I've been following your recommendations for masturbation, but my mother keeps insisting that I cut back. How do I deal with her?

A: If parents are in your way, deal with them you must. The best way to make them understand your needs is to begin masturbating in public. We know this sounds strange, but believe us, it works. This is called the Penis In the Face Technique. After embarrassing your parents at work, at the circus, and in their home (at dinner parties), your mom and dad will be glad to accept a schedule where you just masturbate regularly in private.

6) Is masturbating as a female similar to male self-stimulation? Are there any procedural guidelines for stimulating a vagina, female nipple, and female rectum?

A: No yes yes and no. Masturbating females should carefully observe male masturbation habits and then add even MORE kinds of movement to their sessions. This may include hip-waggling/thrusting, anal orbital movement, and even the occasional abdomen swell. The vagina is not nearly as delicate as the media wants you to think--while you should not continue past the point of unnecessary pain, we invite you to think of the experience as being similar to affectionately feeding a barnyard animal. As for nipple stimulation, we only have two words for you: ROUND ABOUT. Female anal stimulation requires special attention to the dorsal notch unique to the feminine physique--don't neglect this spot, it's the source of an important hormone called Tabligature Actinide.

7) In which cases should I resort to fantasizing about midgets and/or cripples in order to maintain my stimulated state?

A: While midgets are a very common sobject of sexual fantacies, cripples are a dangerous element to any experience. Psychologically, they represent the crippled "Selfus" of 19th century psychology, and therefore may lead to extreme vomiting (which is not bad for masturbatory experience unless combined with insufficient rhythm) and even Epidermal Searing, something no one wants to feel during a pleasureful moment.