A team of sixteen of our PhD scientists got together and came up with the following self-test. Take it honestly and see how you "measure up" to our experts' insights.

1) Ideally, I masturbate:

• everytime I touch another person during casual social contact
• three or more times per day
• one time per month
• only when absolutely necessary

2) When I have an erection, I:

• tend to immediately excuse myself to the bathroom, no matter where I am, in order to finish the job.
• initiate self-fellatio.
• try to push it back down, then strap it underneath a band of my underwear to restrain it.
• say ten Hail Marys

3) If I look at a member of the opposite sex and feel excited, I

• Rape.
• Go masturbate multiple times.
• Go masturbate.
• Try to talk to them until they say something calming.

4) When masturbating, I

• Am done in less than 10 seconds.
• Usually take a minute or two.
• Take around 15 minutes, but only if I have active stimulus (like a view of a naked person)
• continue until I need sleep or food.

5) Upon ejaculation (if applicable; if not, see Jack FAQ question 2)

• I writhe spasmodically and project jism/jasm within a ten foot radius like a spinning fire hydrant.
• I calmly send streams of whiteness into the air which then fall onto parts of my body.
• I try to "plug" and not make a mess (see Jack FAQ question 3)
• I use contraceptives when masturbating so ejaculation is not an issue (see Jack FAQ question 3)

6) I enjoy masturbation because:

• it allows me freedom of expression.
• I am a hermaphrodite.
• my parents say it's bad for me.
• I have a huge penis or vagina.

7) I use the following to aid my masturbation:

• Household liquids
• Animal fluids (*not* self fluids)
• Hand sweat
• Air

8) How long from beginning of ejaculation until end?

• one second
• less than ten seconds
• I milk it for hours afterward
• Unconsciousness prevents me from answering

9) In order to mentally stimulate myself during the masturbation experience, I imagine:

• Animals (other than people)
• Supermodels I know nothing about
• People I know in day-to-day life
• members of my family

10) The place I most commonly masturbate is:

• my workplace/classroom
• bedroom
• bathroom
• kitchen and/or sauna

To see how you scored,...
or