Glenn Jones was killed while sleeping in the lounge, as Krista attached a buzzer to his shorts. As Glenn relates it:
I was sleeping on the long foot rest in front of the fireplace in the lounge this morning when i awoke to feel a tickling sensation around my knee. I looked and saw Krista messing around with the loose threads hanging off of my shorts and thought to myself "Hmm, thats a bit odd, I wonder if she's planting a bomb," so i took a look but couldnt see anything really so i dismissed it and sort of started to go back to sleep. Then i started to turn over when i heard a piercing beeping sound. I said to myself "Hmm, i guess that does it for me," then i spent a few minutes telling myself how stupid and unparanoid i was. She had tied one of the threads to an insulating piece of tape so that when i moved it caused the circuit to be compleated. Time of death was about 7:05 AM this morning. Oh well... now i can concentrate on the offensive side of things.
The saddest part of the whole affair is that Glenn had set up a complicated electronic defense system on his door in the Trippo. It's hard to defend someone who isn't there.
Moral: Lounge frosh die quickly.
Teo Beloreshka died this morning after triggering a trip wire kindly provided by Dan Fabrycky. On the other end of the wire was a bucket of exactly 29 golf balls. Fortunately, she was the only casualty; no one was physically injured by the odd precipitation.
Moral: (this is too easy) Watch your step.
The ArbitOr is pleased to present a fine cautionary tale about the dangers of insufficient paranoia, authored by one Jon Foster.
The very first night [of Alley Assassin], we had discovered Glenn sleeping in the library and were planning on bombing him, but he woke up first and left. Walking away, he saw something gray and box-like, which he thought was our bomb. The next day, visiting our room, he saw my clock and thought it was the bomb we had had. Not feeling a need to dissaude him of this view, I would not let him see it- but did helpfully plant a sign on the clock saying, "Not a bomb. Please ignore."
It wasn't a bomb of course, but Glenn thought it was and that therefore I would be moving it soon. So he placed his buzzer with a light sensor under this. 5 minutes later, when we get back from Hell, we are making idle chit-chat. Dan brings up the fact that I have some "not-bombs" lying around.
"Not-bombs?" asks Glenn.
"Yeah, like this one," I say as I pick up the clock and die.
Moral: You can never be too paranoid.
Sarah Warren trips the same wire that Teo did, and is also condemned to death by a bunch of falling golf balls. "They backed me into it!" she insists. Ah, the ignominy of it all.
Note: Dan thinks someone may be stealing his golf balls, because there were fewer than 29 this time. Please let him know if you have a name for the culprit.
Moral: Don't hang out in Cannes if you can help it. It has scary upperclassmen, and you might die.
Well, at least they aren't hanging silverware from people's doors yet. Faith Fulton opens a washing machine to retrieve her laundry, when she's startled by a loud clang, the sound of a fork falling into an empty laundry machine. Reported by Jesse in AP style:
At 11:15 pm, oct 27 1999, Faith Fulton (Vatican) was killed by the craftwork of Colin Rundel, Jesse Pino, and Kaisa Taipale, all of Hell. While Colin was doing laundry, he noticed Faith starting a washing machine. He quickly notified Jesse and Kaisa, and the three prepared their trap. As soon as the spin cycle had ended, Faith's clothes were transferred to the adjacent washing machine, and dining utensils placed under the lid of the now empty machine. Diligent watch was kept to ensure that no one opened the machine prematurely. When Faith returned to put her clothes in the dryer, she was rather surprised instead to hear the clash of metal on metal. A note informed her as to her deceased status and also where her laundry was. First Kill for Hell.
I can't think of a good moral here. "Don't wash your clothes" doesn't seem like such a good idea.
Ryan Cox returns to his room, ready to go to sleep. In his bed he notices (too late) a small musical bomb labeled "KAE". Krista provides these helpful bits of advice:
If you're a target, don't just leave your door standing open while your roommate's playing pool in the lounge and you're off studying in Tunnel.
and
If you're a UCC, beware of your frosh. We know where you live.
So Dan left his (golf) balls in Christian Thomas's bathroom in... Maidenhead. Doesn't that have all the elements of a sick joke? Luckily, the ArbitOr is able to restrain himself from such childish pursuits. Anyway, the story is that Christian picked up his towel and a bunch of golf balls fell out from under it. Christian justifies his lack of paranoia by saying, "I would have noticed if I was half coherant at the time. Unfortunately my mind was on happier thoughts like 106."
This makes Dan a Master Assassin. Remember... don't get jealous, get even!
Well, that didn't take very long. Master Assassin Dan Fabrycky is now "Lame." Christian thoughtfully returned Dan's golf balls. He even included an Extra-Special Bonus Gift TM: a little buzzer inside the package. Despite the kamikaze nature of the bomb, Christian presumably felt it was worth it. Now why do I have a suspicion that golf balls will be this year's version of the spoon bomb?
Morals: 1) Revenge is sweet. 2) Golf balls are a double-edged sword. Whatever that means.
According to Robert:
So I got Tim [Crosby] at just now. He was in the library, and I planted my sensor device at the door. I faked like I couldn't get the combo and knocked. When Tim opened the door the device fell and should have triggered, but it didn't. Tim saw the device and shut the door, but triggered the device in the process anyway.
As Tunnel desired, they now have the lowest Alley Assassin score. Moral: Be careful what you wish for.
So Mr. Enright now has two more kills to his name, making him a Master Assassin. His second victim was Amy Peterson, lulled into a false sense of security by her nice private back entrance to room 5, via the 5A kitchen balcony. Unfortunately for her, Robert had strung a wire holding a buzzer across that balcony.
The third victim, Wren Montgomery, again fell prey to the same heavily-used buzzer. (Minus style points for this.) She picked up her backpack, only to discover underneath it the buzzer, which by now was confusingly labeled. (Minus style points for this, too.) Once dead, she couldn't stop its high-pitched whine, so Nathan Schara "fixed" it; Robert may need to make a new bomb.
Moral: Go with what you know.
Dan Fabrycky assassinates Grace Wildanger with a rigged eraser. I ask you, what can one trust these days? Dan's story:
In keeping with the golf ball theme, I left several golf balls, one after another, outside Grace's door. Each had a threatening note accompanying it. My original intent was to get her used to picking up real golf balls, only to discover one with a buzzer in it.
I hit on a better plan when we were working on math on Saturday. I swiped her eraser and found a simular one to carve up and plant my bomb. The plan was to place it next to her with the gadgetry faced down until she wants to use her eraser on the terrible, terrible math set Sunday evening (10:15). When she picks it up, the light makes the resistance drop in the attached photocell and the buzzer lets her have it. It worked like a charm. Or should I say a golfball?
Does this count as putting her out of her math-set induced misery?
Picture this: Keith Matthews, Blacker Hovse RA, logs in to one of the SGI's at UGCS. His friend Kevin Scaldeferri logs in beside him. Kevin notices that his computer is running quite slowly, so he runs top and finds that Keith has a huge process running on that computer. So Keith kills it. Then he discovers that he's listed as having last logged on Sunday night, which he didn't.
So now Keith's worried that someone cracked his account, and he starts composing an email to the sysadmins. At that moment, the Ride of the Valkyries starts blaring from all the speakers in the SGI cluster (except Kevin's computer, where Keith killed the process). It takes Keith and Kevin a while to realize this, so they're puzzled about why the sound intensity doesn't change as they run around the room. These mysterious happenings are cleared up a little while later when Keith notices the message from himself in his inbox,
Hello, this is my final message to the hovse. It's been fun, but all good things must come to an end. I wish I had more time to speak my mind, but I'm dying. Rafi and Wren have killed me. You may pick up my corpse from ugcs any time now. The Valkyries have come for the fragments of my soul.
ArbitOr's Note: It really isn't good form to send email from someone else's account unless you've cleared it with them first.
Robert Enright, in the excitement of receiving his brand new yearbook, forgets to be sufficiently paranoid. Inside is a flashy red light, which makes him officially LAME. In his own words,
I was desperately trying to finish my homework while in the delirious haze that comes after not sleeping enough for several days, when Wren came by. She excitedly showed my that the Big T was finished and handed me one. I looked at the cover for a moment, trying to remember what book has a similar cover. [It's the CRC, for anyone who hasn't figured it out yet. --ArbitOr] I lifted the cover and found a blinking red light under it and stared at it in confusion.
David Tytell (B.S., Caltech, 1999), now at Boston University, discovers firsthand that no one is beyond the reach of determined assassins. I have been emailed an obituary describing today's tragic events, which is here reproduced verbatim:
David Edward Tytell of Brighton MA. was killed by a mail bomb disguised as a copy of the MUCH OVERDUE Big-T at 3:58 PM EST on November 9, 1999. He was 22.
The investigation concerning the explosion is in progress according to Boston Police. The only lead in the case is a note found in the wreckage of Tytell's apartment. It read as the following:
Dear Dave, Who says alumni can't be targets? You're dead! Wren, Christian, and GlennTytell was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I finally got him the hell out of that godforsaken Blacker Hovse when this happened," remarked Jessica Tytell, the victim's wife of only four months. "It just goes to show that you are never safe from that God Damn Blacker Gang!"
Tytell, having escaped the ravages of Caltech, was in Boston working on his Master's degree in Scientific Journalism at Boston University. He was happy in Boston, according to his wife. "In fact he was relieved he was finally in an environment where he didn't have to deal with anymore problem sets"
Funeral services will be announced at a later date. Condolence letters can be sent to tytell@bu.edu.
Everyone's seen tape used to mark off the scene of a crime, but how often is it used to commit one? Jesse Pino opens his door to enter his room after dinner. Since there are three pieces of tape attached to the inside of the door and his wall, this makes the delightful sound of ripping tape. Inside is a note saying "You've been taped! BOOM!" The culprits are Dave and Aaron of 150 S. Chester. Someone stop them before they tape again!
Krista Ehinger and Laura "Pandora" Elliott kill each other. First Krista gets Pandora by putting some wind chimes on her backpack. This makes Krista a Master Assassin. But before I can even put her on the Targets page, Pandora retaliates. She returns Krista's wind chimes, but spikes them with some SPOONS (Oh God, not that...), making Krista LAME. The upshot of this exchange is that Kremlin gains on Cannes by 30 points, but Cannes is still far in the lead.
Krista continues her killing spree, offing both Ayeh Bandeh-Ahmadi and Elisa Chiang in the same morning. It is almost as if Krista is working towards an unspeakable Master Plan. Both deeds are committed with a hidden buzzer, conveniently linked to a tripwire in front of each victim's door. To paraphrase Shakespeare, "Is this a buzzer I see before me, its handle towards my hand?" A comparison to Lady Macbeth may be called for here; however, the ArbitOr would never stoop to such levels of character assassination.
At approximatly 8:30 PM on Tuesday, Nov. 11th, the notorious Dave "The One" Guskin met his timely demise today at the hands of a shower of pennies as he entered his office to perpentrate new acts of unspeakable horror. Dave's record was a mile long and included: libel, copyright violations, tax fraud, and the removal of the Woolly Mammoth from this plane of existence. "Thank goodness he's dead," President Clinton said in his address to the nation. "The world is now safe for democracy."
The void in the crime ring known only as "The Tech" is expected to be filled soon enough. Indeed, it is suspected that impatient heirs to his vast empire may have been an integral part in the assassination. A mysterious note left at the scene seems to verify this. It read only, "We live for The One. We die for The One. We kill The One."