The F.A.Q. That No One Else Will Answer
Or, the really cool answer-everything guide to life of
wonder
You know all those questions that you've always had, but to which no one
seems to know the answers? Well, you're in luck; our panel of experts
(consisting at the moment of me and Teresa Gonczy) has taken
it upon themselves to provide you with this free answer service. If,
despite our infinite wisdom, we managed to miss your favorite question,
please submit it here. We might
even answer it.
Approach, that you might learn...
How do I convince my boyfriend and my best friend that they are
not worthless, pathetic failures?
To be blunt - you can't. The emotional damage they've sustained from their
parents, exes, or whoever is too deeply ingrained for your love to exhume
just like that. What you can do is help them along their own hard road of
self-discovery by being constantly supportive and by helping them
distinguish between their own opinions and those that have been drilled
into them by their external degraders.
Why does my roommate suck so much?
Because he's a bitch. No, actually, it's because the innocuous habits
that we all possess can always become terminally annoying upon repeated
and constant exposure. Try opening a dialogue in which you encourage them
to point out why YOU suck so much, listen, and then calmly return the
favor. Or, decide they're a bitch, steal their significant other, and move
out. It's really sort of a toss-up.
Which sports teams should I be rooting for?
Avoid recent champions - bandwagon-jumpers may be in vogue, but that
doesn't mean they're classy. If there are tragically flawed second-tier
superstars that you respect and admire (Patrick Ewing, Mike Piazza, Ricky
Watters, Paul Kariya, etc), root for their teams. You can generally root
for your local home team, but not if you move frequently or if you grew up
(age 6-13) around a rival team. As a last resort, always root for the
Knicks, the Mets, the Cowboys, and the Rangers, and never ever ever root
for the Yankees, the Braves, the Bulls, or the 49ers.
What is the proper technique for that fist-punching buddy
thing?
Make a fist. Keep your knuckles horizontal, your wrist straight, and your
forearm level. This is the target position. You can arrive here through
any motion that seems appropriate, as long as the motion is primarily from
the elbow. If proferring the hit, begin a gentle forward motion just
before impact by the incoming fist and maintain pressure for half a second
before "pushing off" by increasing pressure from the elbow while pulling
back with the shoulder and breaking contact. If delivering the hit, take
about half a second for the motion before impact, and aim to stop at the
current location of the target fist; their incoming motion should mean
that your pressure will be appropriate when they "prematurely" make
contact. In either case, avoid crooked wrists and elbows, excessively
brief or limp contact, and jerky or rushed movements.
Should I date women who use the phrase "Word up"?
Absolutely.
What does Chris want for his birthday / Christmas / gift-giving
occasion of your choice?
A 10GB iPod (for Windows), a two-button black sports coat (42L), anything
from his
Amazon wish list, some interesting socks (argyle or something)
(seriously), and/or the pleasure of your company on the happy day.
Where can I download martial arts stick fighters?
Here.
Who wants to start an a cappella group in San Diego with
me?
I do. zeus@alumni.caltech.edu
What's it like being a physics major?
I can't put it any better than this guy.
How do I figure out what I want to do with my life?
Purchase (or borrow) and read I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What
It Was and Cool Careers For Dummies. Then force yourself to
cast aside expectiations (yours, your parents, society's, your
buddies'...) and be honest with yourself about what you actually want.
This may be quite hard - who wants to admit that they most want to be rich
and receive positive attention? Or maybe you're noble. Whatever. Once you
decide what it is, commit yourself to the idea that the most important
thing for you is to achieve it, even if you have to sacrifice money,
friends, your standard of living, etc. If that feels wrong, reevaluate and
start over until you find a match. Rinse and repeat.
Where do I get enough money to buy all the stuff I
want?
A. Rob a bank. (not recommended)
B. Become phenomenally successful at your chosen career (see above).
C. Win the lottery.
D. Go into programming.
E. Marry rich.
F. Sell your body and/or crack. (also not recommended)
Is Evan going to score with that hot chick that he used to talk to
at the Compulsive Lyres show on Saturday?
Absolutely. It's a done deal. She's his. She already lives in his pants;
he just doesn't realize it yet.
Did I like this webpage?
Yes, you did. It was awesome. You have rarely been so entertained by such
profound wisdom. You will be back frequently, and will visit all of our
sponsors. Oh, wait...
Head back home...
