So much to write about. Where to begin?
The bad week began with TACIT. I auditioned for the Shakespeare, this year's being "Love's Labours Lost".
Wren had taken Andrea and I to see an outdoor performance of LLL at the La Brea Tar Pits a few months before, and I'd been singularly impressed by the performance of the "fantastical Spaniard", Don Adriano. Simply put, he stole the show, and while that wasn't all that hard, because the show itself is at once fucked up and rather dramatically dull, it still impressed me. Thus, when Shirley decided to do LLL, I knew which part I wanted.
Let's cut to the chase. I didn't get the part. Which actually isn't as bad as it seems -- there was decent competition for the role, and this other guy was a student, so I can see the trade-off. However...
Shirley apparently doesn't understand me at all. Because she offered me -- publicly, mind you -- the role of Mercade. I challenge you to find a character in that play with fewer lines. And I challenge you to find a shred of pride in the accepting of such a role.
I remain baffled at just what Shirley could have been thinking. I hope that it wasn't an intended insult; nonetheless, I've never been so insulted in all my life. And damn does it hurt.
I got the email from Gavin at 4 in the morning, and afterwards I couldn't work, couldn't sleep. Eventually I staggered out of the house, blinded by anger and despair.
Am I that bad of an actor? Or that unattractive? Or what? Did I piss Shirley off during Othello -- we did go head to head in a yelling argument, in front of actors -- so much that she decided to get back at me in this fashion? How immature and unprofessional is that?
I ranted and raved as I rambled down the hill, towards campus. I considered kicking down TACIT House's door... very seriously contemplated getting into Ramo Auditorium and pissing all over the stage... wanted to scream, wanted to maim, wanted to curl up into a ball and make the world make sense again.
I don't think it was revenge for Othello. Shirley has never seemed to be the type -- and even if she were, I don't think our argument in Othello really registers on her scale of Great Arguments. ;-)
So what happened? Why did FreakBoy(tm) get a leading role while I got the shaft? It can't be simply because I'm an alumnus -- Sander is too, and he got a distinctly better role. It ain't no lead, but...
Did I come across as arrogant at auditions? Is that what tripped me up?
I always wonder what people think of me -- I always wonder what I *seem* to be. I have enough difficulty figuring myself out internally, it seems an insoluble puzzle to be *outside* me and figure me out.
And god, I was looking forward to acting again... to getting some spotlight time, to working an audience, to playing with character... and I got none of that. The only thing I get with this part is a lot of lost time.
It's not even spotlight time, even for those three lines -- all the focus is, and must be, on the Princess, when Mercade speaks. Hell, she even interrupts one of his three lines! WTF? Why did Shirley even bother offering this to me?
It would have been less offensive to have been offered a chorus role, or been flat-out rejected. Does she not recognize pride? I know she's rattle off some crap about humility, but you'd think the woman would have learned in 20+ years how to handle egos with greater ease. It's not like it would have required any effort on her part -- and in the end, this will require more work than not casting me at all.
This may be it. I may never work with TACIT again after this. What total crap... I can't tell you how tired I am of dealing with directors who fuck over their veterans, their most dedicated students. Miss Morse, you know I'm talking about you -- not auditioning for The Wiz was my revenge, and when you told my mom that I would have gotten a lead had I auditioned, you completed my vengeance, and made it oh so sweet.
I wonder if I ought to call up Shirley and ask her why she did this... knowing her, she doesn't even realize it was offensive.
I think I'll give it some time... when school starts again next term,
if it still sticks in my craw, I'll give Shirley a ring. In the
meantime, there's so much more to life... like writing the next diary
entry...