DABNEY HOUSE QUOTES 2003 "Trevor and I did Jenny's blow-up stunt double - Lipshitz's mom's dog's lover, who is not Jenny, though Trevor wishes it were, but instead is Lipshitz himself" - Jacob who is upset at Trevor, who did his girlfriend's mom, defecated on other similar organisms, but worships Buddha and their dog, who ate the cake that did bake Jenny's mom Sincerely, Jenny's rabbit (and a 40th level wizard) Germany,1939 SS Man: "This can't be right. He must mean the jews." Years later Hitler: So, all ze Christians are dead, ya? SS Man: Ohh... Fuck! -Godot "There's something wrong with your "leg". there's a very strong a-ness." - Ben Lipschitz "You know you have problems when your tongue has foreskin." - Peter "One of these lives has a goat testicle, the other does not" - Josh "Melinda counts as a girl too, even if she's not a frosh." - some Frosh "Tuna is MY eigenfish" - Jesse "Crap- I lost my Buddha-nature." - Jesse "Is this my calculator... or a tomato?" - Josh Trevor: "Look, I'm kicking myself in the nuts." Jacob: "Not hard enough" Trevor: "Ow" "I'm going to go get a phone book, find someone named 'physics', and kill him" - Meru , while taking quiz "What about a dead woman? She'd be cold and easy" - Meru "We have to forgive [the writers of the bible]. That was a long time ago, before fancy things like the scientific method, or 'being right' " - Jacob "The two things one can call a woman are lady and villain, depending whether she is noble or common." - Ben Lipshitz "Consider the cartisean product of me and the set of mothers" "Does it have to be ordered?" "Yes. I come first." -Josh and Dima "Jesus pronounced backwards is sausage." - Meru "This is exactly the kind of thing that a set theory zealot like you would say" - Ben to Trevor "We must look at all rational coefficients of fuck." - Jacob "Que el fucko?" - Ben "IThat summation sign is so beautiful, my testicles are enlarged just by looking at it!" - Josh "I think there is a selection pressure against things that like having diarrhea." - Meru "The only people I can score with are Kim West and Sue Freidman; and they're gone!" - Brandon "It's testicle week! I'll cook." -Laura "I'll have to exchange my nuts for pennies." - Adam "I just want to screw with a couple of dogs." - Alan Meru- "This song sucks because its live and has people cheering in background. I don't like the live version of anything. Jacob- "Especially not women" Meru-I'm not drunk! Ben-Lets see you walk in a straight line. Meru- Show me a straight line and I'll walk it "Why is yours short and mine is long?" - Ben to Jacob "Everything is forking continuously!" - Josh "I was talking to some of my not-science-centric friends. You know what I mean... not science... that other shit." "Humanities?" "Yea" - Josh to Jacob. "After I finish Problem 4, I'm gonna go jack off. 'cause jacking off is fun!" - Josh "They're rubbing my uterus. Want to try?" - Laura (Discussing an answer to a physics problem) Meru: Where did you get this shit? Bernie: Actually, I pulled it out of Callum's ass. Callum: I didn't even notice! "Let's use people to push blocks!" -Michael Owens on the Egyptians' brilliant pyramid building strategy "Dammit, one of you guys needs a sex change like right now." -David Stafford (to serial cable connectors) "The Romans stuck their noses in everyone's genes" -Adam "Not all of the minions get their hands burned off!" -David Stafford "First of all, you should speak Greek. Second, you should not speak LISP. Third, you should not open packets of hot sauce with your teeth." -David Stafford "Having a worldwide language doesn't mean we have to have killer robots." -Belle "To do everything for the good of the majority would be to kill ourselves and feed all of our blood to the mosquitoes." -Adam Azarchs. "I'd kill you first, but I'd eat you last." -Emily to Adam. "Wouldn't you prefer urine to rotten grapes?" -Adam to David S. "If I have a nightmare involving a stampede of ducks, horses, and werewolves being chased by a group of lobsters and cats with radio transmitters while Chernobyl blows up in the background, I'll know who to blame." -Belle to David S. "I don't care how many husbands you have. As long as I'm not one of them." -Adam to Melinda "I'd rather be around a whore, but I'd rather be a bitch." -Belle "My relationship with my penguins is completely platonic." -David S. "Yours would be a fun corpse to play with." -Laura to Alan "So what if he'd have to wear plate mail armor to have sex?" -Alan about Rohit. "When the revolution comes, I'll probably be sleeping." -Ross "Being a mafiosa who runs around stealing cars and killing people is OK" -David S. "I have three sets due tomorros. I don't have time for an orgy!" -David S. "My uterus ate my homework." -Laura R. "I would honestly say that falling asleep is worse than murdering someone." -Belle Meru: (Discussing a philosophical question with Landy) "No, no, I've thought about it long and hard." Bernie: "haha! you said long and hard!!" "You know me. Up, North, all these directions are great." -Brandon, sarcastically, while climbing rocks at J-tree "How did she graduate? How did she get into graduate school in physics?" -Brandon, just as Di finishes saying her goodbyes. "Look at me, invading france with my pants on! Oh, it's so cold!" -Brandon, in German accent "who is this Jesus guy and why do they keep writing about him?"-Bernie "With the invention of the broadsword and the longsword, sexual innuendo was taken to new heights." Jacob "AT base pairs have a hydeogen bond bonor" - Josh "They don't speak english in my ass." - Peter "Stay away from my bum! Only Ben's allowed near my bum!" - Dan O'Hanlon "Yet another your-mom-comment that didn't even make sense."-Meru "Jacob's hairy."-Vanessa "Yeah, these things happen."-Jacob "There's too much sexual innuendo in my room to do my homework"-Jacob "It's been a while since I've played with real people."-Ross "In 5 years. where is my torso?"-Trevor "Next to the thirty-second bunny, which, by the way, is dead."-Ben Lipschitz "My sword might even be tautological"-Ben Lipshitz "They always talk about the virgin Mary. Do they ever talk about the virgin Jesus? No." - Meru "Don't think about it too much, that'll ruin it"- Trevor "That's what they told me about religion."- Jacob "The present isn't nearly as cool as we thought it would be ten years ago. They were all expecting a moonbase and talking about the International Space Shuttle. If anything, we have FEWER space shuttles now." - Michael Owens "You can have all sorts of fun with your hands down your pants." - Josh "Yeah, we all want ours to be 40-inch, Jacob." - Josh "We need to get a movie so that we can go to bed." - Vera to Nick Wall "Your mom's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook... ummm..." - Meru "That was a game .... Wow. I just left my adjective out." - Meru Ross- "How was your Thanksgiving? How was the food?" Josh- "It was good. We had chicken!! Or whatever it is. Oh yeah, turkey." "Please eat me so that I may have children." - Dan O'Hanlon "Somebody touch it! No, not with that! Nobody wants to touch it!" - Mariya "Tomorrow, in the bathroom, we'll see how much of a man you really are." -Meru to Bernie "There's a thing sticking out of his rear end that really throws his balance off" - Josh Goldstein "Sometimes you have to pull things out of your ass" - Josh Goldstein