...if you're up at 7:00 am not because you woke up early, but becuase you're up late.

... if 'fun' has become a bag of pretzels, a six-pack, a porno, and an empty room.

... if your roommate's hair is wider than his shoulders.

...if you've ever lived an inverse day.

...if you spend more money on books than on clothes, food, and shelter combined.

...if 'sleep' falls into the same category as dragons, the tooth fairy, and honest politicians.

...if 11 am is "just too damn early".

...if you eat breakfast more than twice a day.

...if the greatest amount of exercise you've had in the past month is jumping over the trail of puke in the hall to get to your room.

...if 'brushing you teeth' means rinsing with Listerine for 15 seconds in the morning.

...if you change hairstyles more often than you change your clothes.

...if you change your clothes more often than you shave.

...if you shave more often than you sleep.

...if '15 minutes in heaven' means that you can stay in bed for another quarter hour before you have to go to class.

...if the term 'morning classes' can be used as a free standing punchline.

...if an 'easy' homework set only takes three hours to complete.

...if you start that 'easy' homework set 3 hours and 5 minutes before it's due.

...if you do your homework sets in the room where the box to turn in said homework is located.

...if you have never met your studious roommate becuase they're always going to class when you're waking up and you're always waking up when they're going to sleep.

...if your stereo system cost more than your car.

...if your computer cost more than your education (especially true for techers).

...if deodorant is a viable alternative to showering.

...if you'd rather be writing insanely long emails than doing your homework.

...if anyone without email has ceased to exist in your eyes.

...if you can nap during the time it takes the professor to take a breath.

...if you can't remember the last time you saw the floor of your room.

...if you buy new underwear to avoid washing the old ones.

...if you've ever bought gas using only pennies, dimes, and nickels.

...if you get the urge for a chili bean burrito at 3 am.

...if you will drive 30 miles to purchase said burrito.

...if it's 7:30 am and you're still writing email.

...if you refer to your home as the 'place where the money comes from'.

...if you have to walk a mile or more across campus in order to obtain medical assistance.

...if said medical assistance consists of a band-aid and a Tylenol for everything from a head cold to a severed limb.

...if it takes you more than 30 seconds to decide whether you're wearing contacts, glasses, or neither.

...if it takes you more than 30 seconds to realize you don't wear contacts or glasses.

...if you've ever ordered a pizza to physics class.

...if you haven't seen a newspaper in more than a month and you refer anything off campus as 'The Outside World'.

...if most people are waking up when you are going to sleep.

...if you've ever stayed awake long enough to actually go to morning classes.

...if you spend every day in anticipation of care packages from home.

...if caffene has replaced vegetables in the four food groups.

...if various forms of sugar have replaced the other three.

...if you stopped reading this three minutes ago because your attention span has decresed below 1 minute.


...if you have ever considered dropping out, hitchhiking cross country, moving to Mexico, blowing your tuition on tequila and tacos, and living the rest of your life in a gutter somewhere in the streets of Tiujana rather than doing your math homework, you might be a college student.