Chapter Zwei (1+1)

Four score and seven years ago...God gave us the holy Cow to give us holy MILK, which priests made into CHEESE with the holy YEAST, and it was good... for making bricks with which to build altars to the great and all-powerful... American Cheese Factory which produced cheese for the...Japanese exchange students which I and many other families housed.   We were going to...sell them into slavery at the Count of Red Meat's Limburger and Soup mines until...we received a more lucrative offer from the U.S. Government who required them for... cheap labor at the Capitol food court.   We accepted the offer but the... antinucleardemocrats...got angry and...threatened to eat peach cobblers unless we...danced around for them in lacy underwear.   We thought that was a little out of line, so we...danced in silk teddies instead, but when they began to hoot and throw money...the censors for the all-mighty network of E-Mail began to squirm, so we sought...prime-time coverage.   We went to the slimy hole where our insidious lawyers resided and...then cried, "Sue! Sue! Sue!," while stuffing money down...a drainpipe.   That way, the big slimy monsters that lived down there (no one believes me, but they do live down there dammit!) would receive it and...pay lucrative prices for a...jug of apple jack.   Monsters have an incomprehensible affinity for...things that are called apple jacks but don't taste like apples.   It's the SUGAR dammit!   Well, the monsters came to the lawyers and together they...shall save us all by... calling Matlock who will...spell dammit with two "m"s like you're supposed to (private joke)!   He might also plot to kill Perry Mason who we found was in league with the U.S. Government and was acting as the buyer of the Japanese exchange students.   Aha! thought we, we must...stop the evil slave trade of these poor...people.   Unfortunately, we eventually realized that we were the ones selling them and all we had to do was stop selling them.   This seemed like it would work, but...the Tapiocan government had sent in phoney inflatable lawyers!   We were doomed!   They had really kidnapped Matlock and our lawyers.   We had to...go to Reverse Back-up Plan XX''' of "Mrs. Borsari's Ultra-Infinite Back-up Plan Homeworks" which instructed me to...place my head between my knees and kiss my, whoops, that was Reverse Back-up Plan XX''.   Ah, here it is.   I must visit the United Nations and lobby the Croatian government to send emergency...burritos to their outposts in Armenia.   With Matlock and our lawyers back, we sued the antinucleardemocrats, but they pulled out their peach cobblers anyway and...sent a google of fat, orange rind-clad avocado-spitting mucus-covered robo-ninjas with one goal:   to...actually finish one of Mrs. Borsari's homework assignments in less than...3 science classes.   But the ninjas were actually spitting the environmentally friendly uric acid on the... Japanese slaves!   Although it was not killing them, it was getting them extremely annoyed, so they...called to the Sacred Milkers of the Holy Cow to send me, armed with sensuous, succulent, erotic...jelly donuts.   Armed to the bone with marmeladed pastry, I attempted to stop the evil ninjas by using evil samurais with evil car horns and evil...cows with evil milk who...consumed the jelly donuts and excreted golden...ammonia, which unlike uric acid, is harmful, so we... were able to use it to destroy the evil robo-ninjas' super-strong...avocado ducks, which were...already rolling over the samurais and the ninjas with steamrollers sold to them by the subplot...of previously unknown gigantic... codpieces, which were socially significant during the Elizabethan era, when...the lights went out and we drove away in a white Bronco in L.A. and...are now socially dead because of over-telecasting, but the ducks were now ransacking...Macy's Department Store!   However, the ammonia we used on them choked them to death after they ate the Georgio Armani sweaters.   The ducks had turned on the dastardly robo-ninjas and destroyed them, so all we had to do was...put on safety goggles, because once you put them on, you are safe from anything, including...nuclear annihilation.   All the illegal immigrants were happy (we had asked the government to send their respective countries money in the form of...paper-money airplanes but the evil cows and evil car horns had joined forces and intercepted them.   They used the money for... purchasing large quantities of stellar matter with which they would create a black hole to...suck up everything but us because we were wearing our safety goggles...but alas, the galactical hardware store had no stellar matter, and their plans were foiled, so we celebrated by lighting firecrackers in the shape of...green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes, but just then, the Armenian government launched a nuclear war-head on our party.   We survived the nuclear annihilation with our safety goggles, but the only place we could obtain the special firecrackers was in...Zimbabwe, which was saved from nuclear annihilation because nobody really gives a rat's behind about a little desert nation in Africa.   We caught a plane in Walla Walla, Washington, whose airport was miraculously saved because everybody was wearing safety goggles, and went to Zimbabwe where we... unfortunately took off the goggles and immediately got attacked by lions who were...holding up "Caution:   Way Cool Kids Crossing" signs and...acting really cool while...horfing hairballs and...jumping out of tanks full o' sharks (in order to eat a Daredevil) with...other not-so-cool kids pissing about corn pops while we...attempted to find more Froot-by-the-Foot^R in order to make them cool too so they could go to the mall with us and buy...firecrackers in the shape of green clovers, blue diamonds, and purple horseshoes in Zimbabwe.   The lions joined us in our quest and soon came to a store which was by some amazing coincidence run by the freed Japanese exchange-students-turned-slaves-turned-entrepreneurs.   They were so happy, they...bound our feet and made yummy tea.   The tea was so good in fact, that we invited...them for buttered scones.   We acquired all the firecrackers for only 3 £ because the exchange students couldn't find a currency exchange chart.   We were returning to...bio class (we had a double period that day) to get more safety goggles and finish the homework assignment while...New York and L.A. were being turned into radioactive cinders (old Debate card).   The lab was boring, so we...wrote a letter to the editor-great-and-big requesting a chicken, a bushel of feathers, and seven french ticklers for all our john thomases, or else we would...sack them with the help of the crimson insurance and...several large intergalactic llamas, which were witnesses in a recent court case against the evil car horns and evil cows.   The llamas owned the Galactical Hardware Store and testified that the defendants had attempted to illegally purchase contraband stellar matter.   Faced with this possibility, the editor-great-and-big...decided to make room for the article on page A19 next to an ad for Froot-by-the-Foot^R and...another article dealing with the plight of ear-mites in Saudi Arabia.   We were happy that we finally got our prime-time coverage about the antinucleardemocrats making us dance in silk teddies, so we...ate more Froot-by-the-Foot^R and became, so, like, incredibly cool that we went to the mall to buy cool things like...new clothes and junk like that.   Then one of those poll takers stopped us and...then I said, "Omigod!   Statistics are, like, soooo not cool, like, I hafta buy a hmmm....calculator that can like...like push those um....um....buttons and, like, hey! (mmph!)   --The board would like to apologize for the atrocious "valley girl" segment.   Those responsible for sacking those who should be sacked were sacked.   The rest of this piece will be finished be a fleet of whooping intergalactic llamas.   Thank you.-- but since the evil cows and evil car horns had safety goggles, they...were invincible!   No evil farmer will milk this cow!   Let them drink... the blood of an Englishman, no, an english teacher who just decides to take off ten points without any justification even though the paper was very well done, and then the (insert noun of choice) doesn't give the student any criticism, so the student can't improve!(The editor humbly apologizes for this outburst.   The perpetrator has been thoroughly maimed and promises he will never do it again.   If he does, we'll shoot him.   Promise.)   But I showed those antinucleardemocrats, when I danced I...danced the tango with a rose in my mouth and...spun really fast until my eyes swirled like Ka the snake in The Jungle Book.   With spinning eyes, I was able to hypnotize...a grasshopper but not an earthworm because they don't have eyes.   I made the grasshopper think it was a...dark and stormy night.   The kind of night that makes someone want to stay locked up inside a...room watching the Simpsons while Homer...says "Do!" (pronounced with a long "o") and Bart...steps on non-hypnotized earthworms until they grew endocrine glands which are duckless glands.   The grasshopper... put on safety goggles and attacked the evil cows and car horns who had stupidly removed their safety goggles.   The cows and car horns...were instantly annihilated, and all glands became duckful.   I was so happy, I took CHEESE to the Japanese exchange students and...ate it in front of them.   They got so mad they threatened trade sanctions and made fun of Bill Clinton while... eating Froot-by-the-Foot^R and making paper aeroplanes.   We had to pacify the JES-s (Japanese exchange students) by using...a bushel of Idahoan potatoes.   They were so happy that they...went to a sauna and sang songs of joy.   But after singing..."fra rla rla rla rla, rla rla rla rla" for seven hours straight they decided to call upon the sacred Milkers of the Holy Cow for aid.   They wanted to attack the Count of Red Meat's Limburger and Soup Mines who'd aligned himself with the Tapiocan government, grasshoppers, glands, and a homework assignment by Mrs. Borsari that was destined to ruin our Martin Luther King Jr. long weekend.   But first they had to stop Nat from writing so much by...rapping yo!   The evil Count decided not to eat eggbeaters, but to simply inject serum cholesterol into his right ventricle (but although eggs have been known to be high in cholesterol, it's clinically unproven that they contain serum cholesterol, which causes strokes and high blood pressure[curse the members of the National Egg Council!]) when... the Earth was invaded by several million Troglodytian attack cruisers whose main goal was to stare luridly at our daughters, capture slaves for their nitrogen-pudding baths on Io, and make human beef jerky.   Unfortunately for the Earth, a rerun of the radio program "War of the Worlds" was picked up on their long range scanners.   Figuring they had been found out, they just decided to blow us, the evil cows and car horns, the antinucleardemocrats, the Count of Red Meat and his Limburger soup mines, our lawyers (including Matlock), the Japanese exchange students, the Holy Cow, the Holy Milk, the Holy Yeast, the Holy Cheese, and indeed the entire human race (and a few others) into subatomic particles called quarks which come in three colors called red, blue, and green, and also in six flavors called up, down, stranged, charmed, bottom and top (nuclear physicists need to get out more and cut down on the pipe).   Anyway, the Troglodytians blew us up and we're all dead......maybe.