Chapter Chapter Chapter
(Number 3)

Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away...the heroic character known only as "I" was finishing his 18 months in die Bundeswehr.   I was drafted into the intergalactic Bundeswehr after my home planet was destroyed by the not so clean Troglodytians.   I must now...re-establish the Order of Cheese in this strange new plane of existence.   After spending seven years trying to build a nuclear...flibberflit (a small Centauri avian resembling a chicken["That's not a chicken, it's a duck!"{whatever}]) so I could wreak my revenge on the Troglodytians (it's archaic, but it's a lot of fun![wreaking revenge, that is]).   When I gave up trying to build my nuclear flibberflit, I...decided to...take one of my many pairs of safety goggles, which I have been using to survive so long, and make them into danger goggles (insert dramatic chord).   I would trick my squad leader into wearing them by...injecting a special adrenomorphine topical solution that not only makes someone faster, but also cures female pattern baldness.   After the rush, I...ran around in an attempt to find Wolverine^R safety goggles.   But alas, Mike Tepper got there just before me and bought them.   So I... bought a pair anyway since, unknown to the previous author, stores carry more than one of the same thing.   However, on the way back to make the danger goggles, I was sidetracked by...an evil subplot involving senators from Ottawa on a quest to...become a better hockey team and get out of their 3 year last place slump.   They sidetracked by hiring the Frugal Gourmet and his crafty assistant, the... the...the..ohmagoah, what is that thing, ahhh...a hairy and scary bear cub!   It's so ferocious!   Look at it playing and swimming with the other horrid creatures!   It's evil, I tell ya!   EEviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!... well, maybe it just fell in with the wrong crowd.   Anyway, the Ottawa senators and the Hairy and Scary bear cub decided to...use the rest of my super-adrenomorphine hair-growing agent to alert the captain of the guard.   Curses!   I thought.   The little monster's meddling has foiled my brilliant scheme.   My time-table was upset, and I had to do something.   My first idea was to...drug the captain of the guard so he'd fall into a psychedelic state and get the squad leader to wear some danger goggles.   My plan worked, but our problems weren't solved.   The captain of the guard and the squad leader were demoted to sub-plot status while the last place Ottawa senators and the now very hairy and scary bear cubs were promoted to the sub-plot and...rolling over and exposing their tummies so we could pet them.   Evil bear!   Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!   It's nibbling on my finger!   Make it stop!   Make it stop!   Safety goggles will never protect me from this vile thing.   It's so cute and...horrid that I can't keep my hands off it!   Someone fetch me a sledge hammer!   Ah, thank you (please close your eyes if you have a weak stomach) whack, splat! (Ha!   Don't you wish you were wearing safety goggles, you eeeeviiiiilll unwashed wiper of other people's bottoms!).   The evil cuddly bear was out of the way, but I unfortunately overlooked it's mother, who was probably as evil but much less cute and cuddly.   She was very angry as she didn't much appreciate my squishing her cub, so she... stood on her hind legs and showed me her belly.   Right before we prepared to fight, a new squad leader came to power and...ordered an attack on all known outposts of cream cheese (which, incidentally, is not made by the Holy Cow).   The bear and I put on our uniforms and went to do battle with the evil cream cheese.   On the way there, we passed by Former Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox, but that isn't really important.   Anyway, the bear, the new squad leader and I...attempted to play spades, but got very discouraged since there were only three of us.   I played two hands, and my team always won, which angered the bear, so she...lifted the new squad leader high over her head and threw him at my assistant (the one that handed me the sledge hammer before says I) which broke both of their pinky toes.   Those babies!   The mother bear, who I just noticed was wearing a funny hat, was beginning to...lactate.   The growth of her underbelly made me want to...drink milk.   Except I've never had bear milk before.   Hey!   Bears don't produce milk, they...go to the store and buy a cow to get milk.   This wasn't really a bear, it was actually a Troglodytian in disguise!   When I said, "Hey, you're not a bear, you're a Troglodytian in disguise," she...said, "Look out!   It's the sub-plot old squad leader wearing danger goggles!"   It was indeed, and following him was a storm of hailing Ottawanian senators.   Before I ran, I promptly dropped the Troglodytian by booting it straight in the...well, we can't say where, but it really hurt the Troglodytian b@$+@rd.   Having vented, I donned my safety goggles and prepared to...eat green eggs and ham but...I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam-I-am!   I do not like them in a boat, I do not like them in a...paté of goat, they are stomachable with beluga caviar, but I would still prefer a nice, ripe...pancake.   Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.   Pancakes.   Oh no!   But <gasp> the Troglodytian scum had now hired Rupert and Mathilda, the feared mercenary space worms!   I had only my safety goggles and my pancakes.   I had only seconds to react to the setae wielding horror by...moving like a hydra.   I bent over, grabbed the ground with my tentacles and flipped.   I then used my morpher-coin to call my grasshopper Doo-Dah and...he came using three forms of locomotion, but not nearly as interesting as me.   Since moving was so much fun, I... moved right out of the space ship!   Unfortunately, there was no air to breathe, so I stepped back inside and commanded Doo-Dah to jump on Rupert and Mathilda the Mercenary Space Worms.   He looked like he was having fun, so I joined him.   Unfortunately, I got worm guts all over my sneakers and was forced to go to the lavatory to wash them off.   On the way, I ran into the Squad Leader, who was also a Troglodytian scum, and...was attempting to move like a hydra but was failing miserably since he didn't have any tentacles or...ice cream cones to eat.   I commanded my grasshopperzord to fly into the Troglodytian scum and disembowel him.   While the squad leader was distracted, I used my wrist watch to call the intergalactic llama control room person, Won-ton, so he could help me...create a new Order of Cheese.   But alas, Won-ton wasn't there, so I had to...move like a hydra and eat Froot-by-the-Foot^R to keep myself entertained until he came back.   When I finally got to talk to him, he said..."Cockledoodle-dooo!"   Clucking like a chicken only brought me further away from my goal of Cheddar, Mozzarella, Parmesan, Brie, Gouda, Havarti, Ricotta, Muenster, American (both yellow and white), Nacho, Roquefort, Camembert, Port du-Salut, Pyrenees Cheese, Saint Nectaire, Beaufort, Explorateur, Excelsior, Blue, Kaloway Seed Cheese, Swiss, Venezuelan Goat Cheese, and the honorary Cheeze Wiz which I would use to...glue all other cheese together.   I then morphed them all into the omni-supra-ultra-thunder-mega-cheesezord, but alas, in the morphing the turquoise ranger died.   But since the audience liked the turquoise ranger, the writers...thought it would be nice to tickle the omni-supra-ultra-thunder- mega-cheesezord into submission, but...I couldn't find my fingers, so I...did hydra-like somersaults until...the writers changed the turquoise ranger into the new purple fuzzy wuzzy who would help me control the omni-supra-thunder-mega-cheesezord so I could escape die Bundeswehr and seek out Troglodytian scum who I would... license to help me coup against the new squad leader...who is threatening to kill the last author because he didn't leave a nice segue for the next writer who is doing such a great job and deserves a raise and a...gun with which to shoot the previous writer twice removed.   The purple fuzzy wuzzy telepathically sent a message to the omni-supra-ultra-thunder-mega-cheesezord to destroy die Bundeswehr, but it was accidentally intercepted by the squad troops who immediately turned on themselves and committed suicide.   I went to find the Troglodytian scum (who were rumored to by closet Communists[which are the worst kind]) and... (sales reps, too) and as I flew off with the purple fuzzy wuzzy in the omni-supra-ultra-thunder-mega-cheesezord, I heard a loud thump.   It was the new squad leader who I had ran over.   His miscellaneous body parts were splattered all over the...poisoned safety goggles he had worn.   I wiped off the gnarled human chunks of flesh, stashed them in my bag, and prepared for my long journey afoot.