Chapter 2²

maneuver.   I began by...asking Tom what the hell he thinks he's doing starting Chapter 4 with the end of a sentence.   I soon realized that I must begin a quest that may well take me to the end of the universe and back again!   I must search for the beginning of Chapter 4.   I began by...selecting the best men in the village and sacrificing a nice cow so the Gods will be happy.   I then packed a...lunch and set off for...Kitty Tid-Bit Land, which my cat had left for.   It was a moon circling the rings around the (very) distant planet of Urrectum (not your anus).   The very evil Bauer Bauer rules Kitty Tid-Bit Land and must be the cat's boss.   As I approached near Urrectum in my magic cardboard sleigh, I...realized that hyper-sonic orbiting of Urrectum's kilogoogleplex of moons would make navigating to the planet below impossible.   I decided moon hopping would be the safest, so I... jumped up and down on the nearest moon and soon found myself on the planet's surface.   Looking around, I noticed that the   entire planet was really just a monstrous kitty treat!   A crunching sound behind me made me turn around and see my cat!   Eating a rock (which was really just a piece of kitty treat)!   "Drat!," said he.   "What are you doing here?"   "I don't know.   I guess I'm looking for the beginning of Chapter 4."   "Look on page 5, moron!"   After reviewing my previous adventures, I...hop-scotched to the cat so he'd return my prized possessions and...he laughed in my face while munching on a kitty treat and...decided this sentence had overused the word "and," so it must end.   When I ordered my cat to give back my prized possessions, he threatened to let Brian write again.   I was so scared, I...determined that that would be a fate worse than death and ran away screaming, "Yogel, Yogel, Yogel!"   Unbeknownst to me, that was the mating call of the giant green spotted schlumpf.   One of them heard it and... madly raced after my echo and responded with "Dogel, Dogel, Dogel!"   Another schlumpf came running in my direction and he stepped over a little space store called... Aunt Kelly's.   The schlumpf was getting closer.   I had to do something.   Instinctively, I...called for Brian to tell the schulmpf jokes.   the schlumpf was so horrified, he...jumped off the edge of the planet.   The first schlumpf was so dejected that she followed him.   Now all I had to do was find that cat and make him give back my prized possession.   Being only a little larger than a Somalian bread box, my cat must have hidden it in the...place where I couldn't think of anything to write and...used FedEx to send it to a better hiding place.   Realizing the exciting aroma of my prized possession, I began my search at... Luigi's Pizza Parlor.   After snarfing down a large pizza with anchovies and pickles, I decided to look elsewhere, so I caught a cab and...the cab flew me to Kitty Tid-Bit Land because I was previously on Urrectum's surface.   Now on the moon, which was yet another big kitty treat (but it was fish flavored!), I went to a local gas station to ask directions to Bauer Bauer's base of operations.   They told me it was near...Brian's house.   Fearing the ultimate death of actually having to hold a conversation with him, I plotted to first...get a ping-pong ball gun and...try to fill up his mouth with ping-pong balls before he uttered a word.   I got a good running start and...somersaulted like a hydra.   Success!   Before he could remove the ping-pong balls, I distracted him with new original copies of debate evidence.   Woo hoo!   Look at him run!   With Brian, who's also a chicken, out of the way, I only had to find Bauer Bauer by...challenging my cat to a game of ping pong with the extra balls I had.   The winner would be allowed to...hear a new clue about my prized possession.   The grueling tourney lasted...30 seconds.   My cat had to play with the paddle between his teeth, but he still managed to beat me.   I was mad, so I...called Brian back to scare the cat away so I'd hear the clue instead.   It was risky, but it worked.   Before I got to hear the clue, I had to get rid of Brian (again), before he tried to speak by... waving old, rare backfiles around.   But he was on to my little plan to get rid of him, and promised to follow me around until...the next debate tournament.   Knowing I couldn't endure Brian for three more hours, I hatched a sinister plan.   Claiming Clinton was going to make a speech, I told Brian to write every word of it so he could use it to debate.   Brian was so excited, he instantly turned on CNN and began... vegetating.   It didn't take long for him to turn into a fruit salad (he was already halfway there).   I quickly left the room before my mind turned into strawberry Jell-O from listening to Clinton's speech and...sought my cat for a clue.   At last I discovered...that the only other way I could get the next clue was by giving the evil Bauer Bauer a poisoned kitty treat and getting him to eat it.   That way, he'd become a loud mouth farmer who'd tell me the clue, but the only way I'd accomplish my goal was to go to his silo and...light a match, which would cause all the highly explosive grain dust in it to blow up.   Thus getting his attention, I had him invite me into his house where I hid the poisoned kitty treat in his breakfast cereal.   As he ate it, he...started talking a lot.   But not about my possession.   I threatened to support Clinton if he didn't give me some news.   That really scared him, so...he booted his maid, Ms. Brigitte, into a galactic egg carton, and finally said that my prized possession was the color...pink.   His clue wasn't very helpful since I already knew what my prized possession looked like.   I asked him for another clue and he said... "First you must answer me these questions three.   What did Napoleon say at Waterloo?"   "I give up," I answered, which was true.   Riddle two was, "When does a room not have four walls?"   I told him, "After the earthquake at Kobe."   Riddle three was, "What has -10 eyes, 460 teeth, walks on it's gonads, and eats goat cheese?"   I had to think, and replied..."A large mouthed Msssssssssssssssspp Monster because of it's large mouth, which grows 460 teeth in it's lifetime and if you put back the 10 eyes, it's a Mississississississississippi Monster.   Gee wilikers!   One was standing behind ol' Bauer Bauer that minute (that's how I knew the answer) and was about to...shower him with love and affection, which could be fatal from a Msssssssssssssssspp Monster because the way they say, "I love you" is by tearing off one of your limbs and beating you repeatedly about the head with it.   The monster reached for Bauer Bauer's arm and... Bauer Bauer said, "In order to rip an arm off me, you must answer these questions 3:   1. Why did Jon bring a riddle?   2.   What's in my pocket (hubba)²?   3.   If a plane leaves New Zealand, when will they eat cheese?   I said, "How will the Msssssssssssssssspp Monster understand you?"   He gave a quiet shrug and an ear piercing girlish scream as the M(ssss)²pp Monster savagely... answered the riddles!   1.   Why not?   2.   Something that will be harmed if you take it out.   3.   Well, that depends.   What airline is it?   Bauer Bauer stared in disbelief and said, "Wot?   I don't know.   Aaaiiiggghhh!," and flew off a previously unnoticed cliff.   Hmm, thought I.   Interesting.   Now I must...start looking for my prized possession.   Think I, the cat has it, so I'll...attempt to bribe him with a kitty treat.   "Silly fool," he said.   "The whole planet is made of kitty treats!"   "D'oh!" I said and promptly...brought us back to the planet Urrectum and then presented him with a piece of fish flavored kitty treat I had gotten off of Kitty Tid-Bit Land.   He said that he had his fill of fish flavored kitty treats because he'd been to the moon already.   But Bauer Bauer had given me a special kitty treat that was flavored like...a peanut butter and banana sandwich.   He said, "I've never had a peanut butter and banana sandwich kitty treat.   Gimme."   I gave it to him and as he chewed, he said, "Mmmm, mmmmm, mm, mmm, mmpphh."   I asked him where my prized possession was, but the peanut butter had stuck his tongue to the roof of his mouth, so I...prepared to administer C.P.R.   I figured the force of the air being exhaled would separate his tongue and palate.   Before I began, something strange happened.   A...mound of lime flavored gelatin began to build up beside us.   Of course the scare got the pb unstuck from the cat but there was a great dilemma.   We couldn't determine whether it was Knox or Jell-O!   Our first test was to...taste it.   It tasted like lime, so it must be Jell-O.   I turned around to look for my cat and saw it jumping at my face!   I ducked (quack) and my cat hit the Jell-O and disappeared into it.   I humaned (unquack) and stood up, and fell down, and stood up, and fell down, and stood up, and fell down, and decided that it was pretty pointless to try standing up again when I'd probably fall down again.   Hmm, I thought, curious.   Then I realized what happened.   The Jell-O was wobbling from the impact (!) of the cat and was causing an earthquake!   I...began a feverous search for my safety goggles, so I'd be protected.   Just then I realized...that the Msssssssssssssssspp Monster was really... a disguised Western-European exchange student in saddle shoes!... Luckily, I took French in school.   Unfortunately, he was from Spain.   D'oh!   I continued my frantic search for my beloved safety goggles when...I decided to activate my mutant yeasting power.   If I hyper-fermented the Jell-O into Cheese, the earthquake would be prevented, and the change would distract the Ms⁽¹²⁾pp Monster long enough for me to...reach into my pocket and retrieve my safety goggles.   Of course, now I have a mountain of cheese to deal with.   I didn't have to worry, though, because the natives came along and decided to worship it and create a new Sacred Order of Cheese (actually, it's a side order of cheese).   With my safety goggles in place, I turned to face the Western European exchange students who...were running from a mass of bulls.   Odd.   Because I had my safety goggles on, I was harmlessly trampled by a potpourri of Spanish oxen and cows, but a large group of space mice appeared and began to...eat the cheese.   The natives were outraged.   Mice were eating their god.   While they were expecting a thunderbolt to come out of the sky and strike the mice, I quickly...tried to activate my yeasting power.   If I accelerated the creation of bacteria in the mice's blood, cheese would overclot their blood.   The mice would...suffer from arteriosclerosis and their veins would crack open and they would die.   With the mice dropping like flies, the Cheese was revealed, although slightly smaller.   There were two things sticking out of the Cheese.   One was my cat, who was frantically trying to eat his way out of the cheese.   The other was....my prized possession!   I dug the item out of the giant cheese with my extra pair of safety goggles and tore open the pink plastic wrapper to expose a plain chocolate chip cookie.   At last!   It was the object of my quest!   It was the prototype ordinary chocolate chip cookie that was stolen by the Pussians assisted by the Iraqi scum and secretly directed by my cat.   Unfortunately, my restaurant had gone out of business in my absence, so I ate the wonderfully plain and ordinary chocolate chip cookie and returned home to find something to do.   I found a three-year old offer to house Japanese exchange students.   Hmm, I thought, that should be pretty uneventful, and settled down to look for the nearest asylum I could check into for the summer.