Chapter x
When x3-15x2+75x-125=0
Having firmly set the poisoned safety goggles in my LL Remmsport bag, I dismissed my grasshopper and the OSUTMC Zord. Neither was suitable for the trek that lay before me. I had learned the livid Frau Kull was loose (and didn't have all her shots). Performing the incantation "Sit Jit Zit Sas Jas Zas aZ" 15x, I summoned the ethereal ostrich and set out for...the house of the space hermit capable of the "Za Saz Saj Sas Tiz Tij Tis" chant to negate the effects of the other chant with unknown results, but anything from Frau Kull's mouth, who flies around in an egg carton says I, is cataclysmic to all, so I started my search by first going to the... store to get a German dictionary to find out what "Sit Jit Sas Jas aZ" and "Za Saz Saj Sas Tiz Tij Tis" actually means (it sounds German). On the way, I saw... Herr Neuschuh, who told me the silly words weren't German, they were...complete and total gibberish and that I must go to the land of Gibber to find someone to translate it. I quickly...hailed a cab and said: "Gibber of Land the to go." Perplexed and confused, the cabby drove off to...an asylum. After I summoned my ostrich (from my pocket), I flew over the cuckoo's nest, and angled my descent towards... Gibber land. The ostrich, however, had other ideas. He...wanted to stick his head in the sand. Unfortunately, the nearest beach was on an asteroid orbiting a land far, far away which I can't think of a name for right now. I didn't want to land there, so I...cut down my tree from the flower pot and he stuck his head in the soft, warm soil. Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh (Homer Simpson style). Soil. Off to Gibber land to learn the negation chant to stop the frowzy, mephitic, atrocious, and dire Kulinary Kull, but I was promptly intercepted by a band of clean shaven lunatic environmentalistic...rednecks led by (Musical effect: A-(relative minor of C major[unless it's the dorian minor, then it's G major{I'm not even going to get into harmonic and melodic minor keys}]) Brian. Still unaware that I didn't like him, Brian invited me to an afternoon at, where else, debate. I knew debating would give Killer Kull the time she needed to conquer Earth (Which was miraculously un-destroyed between chapters), so I told Brian...that debate is the opiate of the masses and that someone with lots of evidence was standing on the other side of the room waiting for him and he should go over there now. He laughed, and...said, "Huh, I don't see anyone. I guess I'll have to go look." Disposing of him once again, I continued on my quest to find Killer Kull. I followed the trail of stupefied German students murmuring "Respect?! Respect?!" Laughing silently (?) at the irony of it all (heh, heh), I...approached the lowly hut of the Gibber land hermit who was in fact...some ancient Greek named Homer. Instead, he began writing epic poems, the silly fool. D'oh! I realized Homer wasn't helpful, and I...decided to make him remember by tempting him with pork chops. He was so thrilled, he said it meant: Odysseus would come home within the week and Telemachos would give birth to a healthy boy. I informed him that that was impossible, and he said, "Not with today's surgical procedures. G'arble foo snuck fing." Ah, he was the translator I was looking for. I quickly...asked him what "Sit Jit Sas Jas Zas aZ" and "Za Saz Saj Sas Tiz Tij Tis" meant. He was as confused as I, but told me that I could buy a Gibberish dictionary by going to...any establishment that employs English-Gibberish translators. I asked Homer where the nearest such establishment was. He told me I'd have to return to...Brian's house, which contained the only dictionary. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Just then, someone told me that Newt Gingrich had become king. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I was then forced to eat "Turkey Hill coffee Flavored Frozen Yogurt (without pecans)! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooo! Nevertheless, I ignored these many setbacks and...stole the belt of invisibility, which would normally cost a whopping $24.95, but... it only cost me $30 after rebate because I had a coupon (stealing it would be immoral). Wearing the belt of invisibility, I infiltrated Brian's house and...searched for an English-Gibberish translator. But the only person there was Brian, and I knew... that the only language he spoke was a rare form of Nerdish called "Debatish." Temporarily thwarted, I...surprised him by yelling, "Go for the turns on solvency!" Flabbergasted by my newfound language, he became distracted and shouted, "No, we can win topicality. Go for T." I quickly ran into his room to look for the dictionary, but...***We now break from the story to bring you this message. "Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy but socially dead." We now return you to the story.***...it was stuck under a pile of his debate evidence which I would have to search through. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Ha Ha Ha Ha (maniacal laughter) I remembered that the dictionary was fireproof so I could take a short cut by... pulling out my trusty flamethrower and torching the place, thereby finding the dictionary and destroying Brian's hovel. After donning my safety goggles, I... asked Brian where he kept the propane. Too late I realized my mistake: speaking to Brian. Brian said, "I'm gonna kick your butt!" Taking out his chessboard, I prepared to...let Nat beat him while I searched for the dictionary. Unfortunately, Brian's chessboard was imprinted on the side of the dictionary. I then attempted to subdue him by...waving erotic pictures of Stormin' Norman in front of his face. He could only stare and...wonder how he could use them as debate evidence. While he was distracted, I...captured his queen with my pawn, turning my pawn into a queen and checkmating him, and used the dictionary. The silly words of Gibber meant..."Worship Herr Castine for He is our savior, and He shall come down to our beloved Earth and decree: "Frau Kull can't teach for Bohnen (beans) and should be drawn out into the street and...should be made to talk to Brian. The original chant that Frau Kull was going to use meant, "I invoke my German teaching powers to...subvert you to my nefarious machinations by having a coovversation!" She began with...forcing us to translate a really long passage and still giving it a grade of 105, even if it's handed in three weeks late. Next, she...wore an outfit that made even Brian's fashion sense look tasteful. Blinded by the colors that no longer clashed, but now waged all out war, we had to put on safety goggles to save us from being permanently blinded, but just at that moment... I used the "Herr Castine chant" and negated the effects! The anti-chant worked! But an even worse dilemma developed! Frau Kull and Mr. Nilsen teamed up to sell bad cheese in order to...poison the...Board of Regents so they wouldn't have to teach anymore. Unfortunately, the Board of Regents was already on it's way to being abolished, so they...made a thirty question exam that included 3-D geometry. Even Mr. Nilsen was dumbfounded! I used the time he was distracted to...seize Brian's assignment pad by sneaking over to his desk with out him noticing. First, I leaned over and placed my tentacles on the ground while lifting my gastrovascular cavity into the air. I then completed the pseudo-somersault by...spinning on my nose and playing a dramatic chord (some minor chord, or something). At that moment, a group of fearful fellows who surprised us with ruthless efficiency, and had an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wearing nice red uniforms. They proudly yelled, "Nobody expects the...populace of Paraguay to understand nuclear fission, so leave them alone!" I didn't know what to make of this outburst, but it sounded like...poppycock! After careful deliberation, decided the fearful fellows were inconsequential, and...proceeded to drop my pants and sing, "Old gray mare, she h'ain't what she used to be, h'ain't what...she used to be..." But what did she used to be? An old gray fool? Well fiddlesticks. I couldn't give a flying hairy 'possum's foot. I was to thwart Frau Kull now by using the intergalactic eggbeater the intergalactic space llamas had given to...the Count of Red Meat way back in Chapter 1. I was going to attempt to... send them to heaven before I sent them to hell. So I begged God to give them a quick ride to Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers has lots of...mice. Very furry gray mice. With nice red uniforms. And hats. "OK Nat," exclaimed Tom as Frau Kull began to pet the mice. From heaven, Frau Kull fell to the bowels (intestines) of Hell. Frau Kull was GONE! We were in heaven...uh oh...Suddenly...Mr. Nilsen started explaining the geometry of a circle to us! Aigghhh! We must resist! We must find our safety goggles before we get any more confused! I...quickly decided to give my snake a nice little snack and put a live goldfish in his water dish. Not the slightest bit fooled, he proceeded to...tell me to bugger off. Realizing that Mr. Nilsen was still trying to explain circles to us, I...pushed the Pythonizer button and to my surprise, a 16 (metric) ton weight dropped on his head! Ho ho ho! Having eluded ultimate disaster, I promptly...gathered some mercenaries and chased Frau Kull (who had asked her soldiers to rescue her from the unfathomable darkness of Lucifer's domain) all the way to Andromeda. She was cornered. A battle began when...the Troglodytians showed up again and...we bravely donned our safety goggles, prayed to our savior, sacrificed a nice, big, fat cow, and yelled... "What do you want, you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings?! Shut your gob you festering tit! Your type makes me puke!" They...were stunned by our brutal insults. We seized the opportunity to paint white out on their glasses. We launched the avocado/kumquat duckless bomb on all of them. The effects were devastating. It..., through some miracle, trapped all of them in a very deep well. I quickly sealed the well with bubble gum and danced a fiery dance. I paid my mercenaries (with lymph), and ate cheese. Frau Kull's strident whining was at last silenced!!!