1992.11/20 The Revelation
EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGE TO LISA LORD
} Hello. You don't know me, but my name is Lisa Lord and I'm a
} first-year at Wellesley College. I got your address through a
} mutual friend of ours - Mrs. Iarrapino. She told me you're a senior
} at CalTech,
True,
} and that you were really intelligent,
debatable, (Mrs. I is easily impressed... :)
} and she asked if I would be interested in your address. Since I'm always
} up for making new friends (even if they are only words on a computer
} screen), I said sure.
That's a very healthy attitude to have.
} So, tell me a little about yourself.
I remember reading a article on psychology which propounded that since people
crave recognition on a basic level, the question "Tell me about yourself" was
irresistable. We each want to be distinguished by our individual traits, and
those traits are essentially valueless unless there is someone else to observe
them. Thus, we welcome the opportunity to communicate as much about ourselves
as possible.
Of course, the author could have been wrong. ;)
} What are you majoring in?
I am an Applied Mathematician. That's means my primary field is Mathematics,
and I am in one of the three major subfields:
1) Pure Math - Math for its own sake, proofs proven just because they can be
2) Theoretical Math - Probing the limits of what math it capable of doing
(proofs of whether things can possibly be proven are typical in this field)
3) Applied Math - Math specialized for physical or engineering applications.
Applied Math (or AMa for short) is usually in conjunction with other fields;
thus, there are AMa's in Physics, AMa's in Fluid Dynamics, etc. I would say
that I lean towards AMa in Computer Science (CS) & Electrical Engineering (EE).
I originally chose the field for two reasons:
1) I dearly love Math but unfortunately she doesn't love me back. Unrequited
love is painful at times :)
I honestly don't think I am capable of majoring in Pure Math, though that is
very much what I would like to do...
2) I thought that AMa would give me the greatest 'jump-offs' into the other
fields that I was interested in (namely physics, CS, and EE). I am therefore
able to build up a general background in AMa without restricting myself to a
single field.
} What do you plan to do after college?
I am getting a job. The major options available to me right now are:
1) Graduate school (MIT, Stanford, and Duke U are prime choices)
2) Study / Travel Programs (Rhodes, Rotary, Watson, etc.)
3) Other Programs (Peace Corps, Teach 4 America, Fellowship, etc.)
4) Job
My decision to find a job is based primarily two things:
A) its desirability compared to the other options. To illustrate:
1) Even though I really want to attend graduate school someday, I would prefer
not to do it now. This is my fifth academic year at Caltech (my sixth
chronologically) and I'm feeling pretty burnt out on the whole academic thing.
I would like to spend some time away from academia and return refreshed and
enthusiastic rather than push onward simply because its expected of me.
2) My chances of getting these scholarships are low to begin with, and many
are really just subsidized study at foreign universities. The above applies
here.
3) These are a definite possibility. I've had quite a bit of teaching
experience, and I've enjoyed it immensely. Also, I took a leave of absence
from the Institute for a year (that's a whole saga in and of itself, remind me
to tell you about it sometime...) and I have thus come to treasure having a
variety of different experiences. Variety = Growth = Dynamism = Creativity.
4) This is at the top of the heap, mainly because of the following...
B) The second reason I want to get a job is because it puts me in a good
position to accomplish my life's goal: finding a woman, making her happy,
falling in love, getting married, raising a healthy family. I think that
having a job (instead of, let's say, graduate school responsibilities) will
increase the chances of success. I should have more money, free time, and
mobility; and also less stress, distractions, and obstacles with a job than in
the other cases.
This current goal a radical departure from my previous one, which was "To make
a significant contribution to humanity." I still hold the latter goal in high
regard (perhaps third or even second place) but it is really eclipsed by the
first one. What caused this reordering, you might ask?
Therein lies a story... < foreshadowing >
} What made you decide to go to CalTech? (You're from Dracut, right?) ETC.
Yes I am from Dracut. I went to Caltech only after CAREFUL consideration, as
I had DECIDED that I agreed with their philosophy of a broad based background
in the sciences. Thus, because I wanted a COSMOPOLITAN exposure I CHOSE to
come here.
Oh, and, um, MIT like, *cough* rejected me, too. :-)
Actually, that off-handed (and ill-advised, on their part) rejection altered
the course of my life, in more ways than one.
Let me tell you a story... < prepare yourself, you're about to learn more about
me than you may have wanted to... >
PRELUDE:
When I was about six years old, I saw my father beating my mother. My father
was an angry, forceful type of man, given to both rock-steady farsighted
cruelty and bursts of maniac violence. I had been passing by my parents'
bedroom when I saw my mom pinned to the bed, my dad smacking her repeatedly in
the face. At first I didn't understand what was going on, and then it hit me:
"The Bastard is Hurting my Mother!". I instantly clenched my fist and walked
into the room, ready to kill my father.
However, as I crossed through the doorway I caught a glimpse of My Fist,
shaking with Fury and Death. In that hand I instinctively saw Power, the
ability to coerce others to do my bidding. I also saw Anger, and Hurt, and
Pain, and Destruction. I looked back to my father a saw the exact same things
in him, amplified to a horrible degree.
It was then that I had my first moment of sentience. I recognized that if I
tried to stop my father through violence I would be implicitly choosing the
same path that he did. With fist shaking I vowed, "No! I will not become like
my father! I reject Anger and Violence and Destruction!" Then, the fury
drained from me, I skulked back to my own room and cried myself to sleep.
I began to notice things soon after. My first observation was that all three
children (my older sister Vivian, my older brother Powell, and myself) were all
very angry people. Moreover, since my brother is four years older than I, I
got to see things 'develop' in him before they did in me. I saw that he was
becoming much like my father, and that my father was just like his.
I naturally came to the conclusion that I was going to grow up to be like my
father as well. I had since expanded the defining characteristic of my life to
be that I would try to prevent hurting other people if I possibly could. Since
I saw that my father was hurting his own children, I thus decided that I
would never get married or have children.
Even as I child I realized that family was a powerful motivating force for
most people. If I wasn't going to have one, what was I to do with my life? I
then decided that I would use my abilities to help my fellow man by easing the
suffering that he endured. To that end, I would choose a career that would
allow me to make a significant contribution to humanity...
With my robe and staff I set off with the confidence only a child can have...
END PRELUDE
MISTAKE #1: UNAVOIDABLE BUT BAD NONETHELESS...
Well, the end of my senior year came in high school. (That's deceptive, by the
way; I only went three years and was taking more classes from ULowell than at
DHS my last year...) I was very eager to go to college (for the challenges
that it would afford me, of course). Moreover, I really wanted to go to MIT,
since then both my girlfriend Cathy Lachapelle and I could go there together.
My relationship with Cathy had been beautiful. We had been dating for almost
two years, and we were in love. We measured the passing of time by the
beating of our own two hearts. Moreover, we had a healthy relationship, as
well. There were strong intellectual, emotional, social, and sexual components
to our relationship. I treasured her and didn't want to lose her.
It was thus particularly disconcerting that I was rejected from MIT, and
accepted by Caltech. She was accepted by MIT (and her parents wouldn't even
let her apply to Caltech). It seemed that the universe was conspiring to split
us apart.
However, after careful consideration I decided that it was for the best. After
all, if we both went to MIT then it was quite likely that we would live
together and eventually get ... maybe it was best we split up now before we
became too attached. Besides, Caltech had a better undergraduate program than
MIT, just as MIT had a better graduate program. The best career move would
be for me to attend one and then the other.
Thus, our last summer together I convinced Cathy to end the relationship
(which she had wanted to keep active). After all, I didn't her to be
hamstringed as she started her new life at MIT... the same was I didn't want
to be restrained in my new life at Caltech.
We went our separate ways...
CATHY'S MIT STORY
One of the major difficulties with our relationship in high school was that
Cathy had to keep the most intimate portions of it a secret. Her parents were
devout religious people and frowned seriously upon sex before marriage; thus
she couldn't talk to them about it. Moreover, Dracut is a small town where
secrets are few and far between; thus she couldn't talk to her close friends
about our sexual relationship either. The only person she could really confide
in was me.
Quite naturally, after we had parted, she started having strong sexual urges.
(As you may or may not know, celibacy to intimacy is easy, but the reverse is
VERY difficult...) Most importantly, she didn't have a good 'support network'
to talk about those feelings. She therefore chose the most expedient route and
started sleeping around.
After a year or so she began living with a man named Griff; six months later
she became pregnant. While it was unexpected, it wasn't undesirable. Cathy
had always wanted to have children, and Griff wanted to get married as soon as
they could afford it after the child was born. She caught a lot of flack from
her parents (who had to readjust their perceptions of 'their little girl.')
but she was content anyway.
Unfortunately, right after her son was born Griff cracked and left her
suddenly and unexpectedly. Cathy might have been seriously wrecked if not for
the 180 degree turn taken by her parents. Once their grand-child was born they
realized how horribly they had been treating their daughter. They became very
supportive and helped her through perhaps the most difficult time of her life.
Cathy was determined not to let the event break her. She continued her classes
without skipping a beat, and reassembled the pieces of her life. Displaying
the incredible strength of character which originally attracted me to her, she
put her life in order. Time passed...
KIM'S CALTECH STORY:
From the first day, I was an unstoppable academic juggernaut. Caltech was
perfectly suited to my disposition, and I was well suited to the intensely
academic life there. Caltech was a no-nonsense, sink-or-swim, get-things-done
type of place, where everything was geared around The Work. If you did well,
you were given greater challenges to conquer; if you faltered, you quickly
'flamed out' of the Institute.
Furthermore, Caltech is governed by a well-known Honor System, which expects
students to act responsibly instead of forcing them to. The major consequence
was that just by being a Caltech student, I was trusted and respected by
everyone I came into contact with (both on campus and off). I was continually
amazed at the privileges I was extended by the administration, by local stores
and restaurants, by the police and government agencies... just because I was
a Techer. I was a nice feeling.
Another nice feeling I had was one of belonging. The other students there
wanted to do well, just like me. People who did well were accepted and
respected (unlike some other school experiences I've had...). The students
often banded together for mutual survival against The Work... we were warriors
with a common goal and bonds made of blood, sweat, and tears.
The people there were also incredibly knowledgeable. The students had diverse
backgrounds, most with much more academic depth than my own. The professors
were the top in their chosen field, and they *knew* what they were talking
about! There was so much to learn, and so little time to learn it all...
LESSONS LEARNED
I might have continued on that path indefinitely, if not for the intervention
of fate. During my sophomore year, I became involved in teaching a Saturday
Algebra I class to junior high students. Lee F. Browne, the Director of
Secondary School Relations, was impressed by my dedication and offered my
a teaching position in a summer program that he had.
That program is a story in itself; suffice it to say that I poured my heart and
soul into it and everything was golden. Moreover, Lee offered me another job
right after it teaching Caltech Pre-Frosh (which was a prestigious position,
often offered to Assistant Professors). I instantly accepted and gave a 110%
to that program as well.
After the programs were over, I was wasted. I had spent all my energy,
including some of the vital reserves which are best left untapped. I had
little thought but to get some rest, and I desperately wanted to go home.
Fortune gave me The Kiss Of Death and I discovered that I was getting a
Teaching Assistantship the upcoming year. That meant my finances were very
good, and I booked an immediate flight home.
THE FIASCO: (Reader's Digest Version)
The next two weeks of my life were the absolute nadir to date. I shall spare
you the gruesome details, and instead summarize:
1) 10 minutes after I arrive home my parents tell me they had been divorced
for the last three months and hadn't told me.
2) T + 2 days I ruin the long-standing relationship I had with Robin Hoban, a
good friend I had in high school (and one of the few I kept in contact with).
3) T + 7 days I discover one of my best friends William Ryan had died
unexpectedly two weeks ago.
After I 'escape' back to Caltech, things don't improve much...
1) Classes begin spiralling into the dumpster.
2) I lose my temper and nearly eviscerate someone (note that I had avoided
physical violence for well over a decade at the point...)
3) The Resident Associate Barry Krueger of Fleming House (where I live) died
suddenly in a motorcycle accident.
It was my reaction to the last which shocked me back to reality. There was
absolutely no grief over his demise, even though the two of us had been
friends. It was the utter lack of feeling on my part which spurred me to
action.
I began by talking with friends, the Dean of Students, and finally with a
therapist at the Counseling Center here. After six weeks of considerable self-
exploration, I decided that it would be best for me to go back home and deal
with things there before I did anything else. Consequently, I took a leave of
absence from the Institute, headed for home.
LOVER'S REUNION
Many things occurred during my stay at home; it is my reunion with Cathy which
is relevant here. Right after I had gotten back, Cathy called me up and asked
me to visit her. (MIT was still in session, so I had to go to Boston.) We
started talking more frequently in the following days, and finally the day
came when I went to see her.
At first sight it was magic. Soon I was making weekend trips every other
weekend, and our relationship fell into a simple pattern. On Saturday we would
go out into Boston doing this or that, getting someone to look after her son.
We'd sleep together that night, our love-making heightened by our mutual need
and greater experience. Sunday was generally spent indoors as a 'family':
me, her, and her son.
However, I noticed that Cathy was running herself into the ground. She had
been sustaining a highly energetic emotional level for months, and that coupled
with her classes was beginning to take its toll. She was doing much the same
thing that I had done while I was teaching (i.e. spending her vital reserves)
and I wanted to spare her that devastation. I therefore began a campaign to
try to convince her to find a husband. I felt that she needed the support and
that her son needed a father.
Cathy resisted the idea. Her only defense was a irrational belief that women
don't find husbands, men find wives. (ASIDE: Cathy is full of such irrational
beliefs. For example, after she told me that she didn't want to have any more
children right away, I suggested that we use contraception. She didn't want to
because it would be an 'admission' that she was having sex before marriage.
I find the latter a little strange coming from an unwed mother...) Thus, even
though she agreed with me, she still wouldn't look for a husband.
It turns out the resolution was equally irrational. Griff returned from
nowhere and begged Cathy to take him back. He said he was sorry and that he
really did love her, want to get married, raise his son, etc. Cathy, to her
great credit, told him to take a hike; he had already proven himself to be
"irresponsible and unreliable, and someone [she] wouldn't want to be the father
of [her] child."
Thus, the argument that finally worked was: because Cathy had refused the
opportunity to get a father for her child (however bad), she owed it to her
son to acquire a new father for him. Anyway, it seemed to work.
A couple weeks passed, and I stayed for another weekend. Everything was
perfectly set up (child with grand-parents, room-mates away, etc.) and that
night is emblazoned on my soul. We had a fantastic night of dinner, dancing,
stargazing, and walking along the Charles River. When we returned to her
apartment, she seduced me by candlelight. It was the most intense session of
intimate sexual passion I have ever had.
I don't know about you, but I like to lick the sweat off my partner after some
particularly good love-making...
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE:
Curtain rises: Cathy is sprawled out, Kim licking sweat from her belly.
Cathy: (in a sultry voice, while running her fingers through Kim's hair).
C: "I think I've found the perfect candidate, Kim."
Kim: (springs up ecstatic that Cathy finally agrees with him. Thinks to
himself "Is it that Jim fellow she keeps talking about?")
K: "Who is it?"
(Looks at K funny. As if talking to a total moron)
C: "Why you, Kim."
(Humorously)
K: "I'm not exactly in the matrimonial mode at the moment."
C: "What?" Begins ranting in a high voice...
(Calm voice)
K: "Cathy, I don't think you're being very reasonable..."
C: "Reasonable!?!" (Objects start flying)
Play ends with Kim thrown onto streets of Boston half-naked at 2AM...
COMPOUNDING MY MISTAKE:
Soon after I made it clear to Cathy that it never occurred to me that my
arguments might be interpreted as a proposal. (That's the truth, by the way.
Everyone I tell this story to can't believe that I didn't realize what was
going on...) She proposed to me, and I refused. I then encouraged her to go
after Jim (who I thought was the best candidate). Within a few months they
were married.
TRIAL BY FIRE:
Soon afterwards I returned to Caltech. At the time there were demons in my
brain, whispering to me. "You didn't have what it took to survive before, Kim.
The academics were too much. You probably can't handle it again..." To
silence the voices I took the four most heinous classes at the Institute during
first term. Only one was in my major; the others were totally unnecessary.
That first term back I was blazing. I had a maniac intensity I had never had
before, and I methodically crushed the classes before me. But, rather than
feeling victorious or even content that I still 'had the touch', I felt hollow.
Early second term I started losing interest in everything, and I began noticing
some general signs of depression.
THE REVELATION:
I prudently began therapy again, and was fortunate to get to speak with my old
therapist. After several months of slow exploration, I finally discovered that
the reason that I felt so bad was that because I didn't marry Cathy when I had
the chance. That first realization sparked a number of revelations...
-> I was not my father, and I never would be.
-> I could have a family, and I it was possible for it to be a happy and
healthy one.
-> We always want what we don't have. In my case, my greatest desire was to be
loved, mainly because I received so little of in when I was younger.
-> I wanted a wife and family far more than I ever wanted a successful career
(but the latter was all I would allow myself to have).
-> I made the biggest mistake of my life by refusing Cathy.
******
Whew. Anyway, that's why I re-prioritized my life's goals. I would like to
have an interesting career (if only to save me from boredom), but that desire
is now secondary to starting an intimate relationship. I had true love once
and I let it slip away; I am determined never to make that mistake again. My
only hope now is that lightning can strike twice in the same heart...
Well, I'm about all typed out for now. Write back when you can.
(And after baring my soul to you like this, I expect some deep, dark secrets
from your past, too... :)