1993.10/21 Spiritual Crisis

EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGE TO RAY CLERMONT

} Greetings Kim,
} 
} 	Sorry I haven't sent any messages lately, but I've been pretty
} busy with everything.  

It's okay, I know the feeling.

} Everything consists of school, girls, school,
} gambling, school, drinking, school, school, and some occassional work.
} That is, work other than school.  

Did you finally get that 'steady' job, or are you still doing odds and ends?

} I am happy to say that I think I feel
} more in control of my life now than I have in many moons.  I don't seem
} to second guess myself as much and instead of thinking about doing
} something, I JUST DO IT (excuse the cleche).  I think I owe that to you
} , but more importantly I think I owe it to Edna.  I can't believe the
} effect shes had on me in the short time that I've known her.  She is one
} of the only truly happy people that I can say I know.  She has systematically
} shreded many of my goals, beliefs, and some of my most solid outlooks on
} life.  

Like?  Moreover, has she shredded them in a conscious way, or was it just a
side-effect of how she naturally is?

} She truly has no care for money what so ever.  As usual, I had to make
} a valiant attempt at questioning this so I offered to take her clothes 
} shopping with my new Credit Cards.  

Uh-oh.  You're armed with plastic now?  How many cards?  Which ones?  I've 
applied for two of them right now (Citibank and Chase VISAs) but its pretty
much up in the air whether I'll get them or not.

ASIDE: Otherwise, things are actually working out for me financially.  I've 
been able to convince the Caltech Financial Aid department to give me lots of
money (basically all my expenses for this upcoming year).  However, I was still
in a lather over the AMEX bill I was going to get hit with this month (in the
$800 range, which I didn't have).  It turns out that I shouldn't have worried;
the guy who was taking care of my finances over the summer overpaid my account
by $250!  I was just able to squeak by; it should be clear sailing from here...

} When we got to the mall she picked out two shirts
} for me, and an outfit a piece for her daughters.  

So all three of the kids are daughters?  

} Shes the first girl I've
} ever dated whom I've had to force feed gifts.  That whole idea made me
} question why I ever gave a chick a gift in my life.  The only answer that
} I could come up with was my inability, or lack of being able to express
} how I feel in any other way.  

I would suggest that you shouldn't even try to give her 'gifts' (in the sense 
of winning her affection with physical/expensive presents).  From your 
description, it sounds like she would far greater value your time and your
presence (plus the security of knowing that you care, if you are so inclined to
give her those indicators).  I think the greatest 'gift' you could give her
(that she would want) would be to just let her into your life.  

} Now, I'm not totally lost, I've had a few
} NO a ton of romances where I've used the hershey's kiss or the massage or
} the parking garage, but all that never seemed like it was enough.  It was
} for Edna.  All that she wants is to be happy, have fun, and see her children
} grow up.  Anyways believe it or not shes helped me stay focused, which I've
} come to the conclusion that this has been my problem with school from the
} start (that is staying focused).  

Nuhn-nuhn-nuh-na-na... BE the school.   :)

} If I can keep it up I should easily be
} able to finish out the semester with at least a 3.3. I want a 3.8, but I 
} would be content with a 3.3.  I am also confident that if I can get a 3.3
} this semester than a 3.8 should be well within my grasp.  

I think that if one keeps oneself focused on the school-work, the grades will
follow.  It would probably be a more impressive goal if you were to stay with
your classes for the entire term (rather than being distracted midway through)
regardless of the grades you get.  

Of course, getting good grades couldn't hurt, either.  :)

} Ulowell is booming man.  I don't
} know where the hell their getting the cash but they're installing shit up the
} butt.  

"I'm tellin' ya, it's a Mafia front!"

} All of the old VAX monitors have been replaced.  Theres nothing short
} of a 486dx in the nuclear lab now.  Theres a ton of CD ROM databases on south
} they've set up a database to easily search for periodical (any!!!).  I'm
} no its incredible, and I'm pretty sure that its because the universities are
} unified now.  UML north will soon be entirely devoted to engineering and the
} core sciences.  The reactors being upgraded to 2 MWatts next year and we
} should have another and better particle accelerator within the next few
} months.  

Verrrry nice.  The UMass system has always been a well-respected one (though
not in the Ivy Leagues).  It looks like they may be serious about bringing
UMassLowell into the twentieth century.

} I'm
} gambling my ass off man.  I gotta stop, even though I've been winning.  I'm
} afraid I'll get addicted. 

?? What type of gambling?  Race horses?  Cock fights?  Pool hustling?  Card
sharking?  Or are you just betting on anything?

} You'll know soon enough because I'll be coming to
} California to hide from the bookee.  

You're always welcome out here, but you should know that Las Vegas is a drive
away, as well as a number of Indian reservations where gambling is legal.

} For some odd reason I'm still talking to
} "You Know Who".  I've come to the conclusion that shes more addictive than
} cocaine.  No matter how close I get to someone else I still need her.  

Observation: Perhaps it isn't Janelle in particular which you find so 
essential, but rather it is a female confidante in general which is necessary.

} The thing that hurts is that I'm still not sure if she needs me.  

Suggestion: Make Edna your new confidante, and ditch Janelle permanently (the 
more devastating the break the better).  Edna doesn't seem to be the type which
is going to blow you off (or if she does, she'll probably do it without leaving
you hanging.)

} I suppose she
} does becuase I've tried to piss her off to no end and she still calls.  

Conclusion: Janelle probably finds you as 'irritatingly addictive' as you find
her.

} I guess
} shes got a new boyfriend.  I kinda hope she falls in love again and pushes me
} away.  

... so she'll save you the trouble of having to push her away?
... so that you can end the relationship (i.e. you want it to end)?
... so that the relationship will end (i.e. you don't know what to do with it)?

} One good thing has come from seeing many other girls.  I realize now
} that you can't quantify your love for someone.  For example, I don't love
} Jannelle any more or less than I love my Mom.  I've loved my mom longer
} which naturally makes me closer to her.  But more importantly I love her
} differently.  I finally figured out why I was comparing every girl with
} Jannelle.  It wasn't that I didn't like the others, it was more that I was
} trying to find someone who I liked or loved in the same way that I love
} Jannelle, and quite honestly I've got a better chance of seeing God.

That is extremely insightful.  Hold on a minute while I ponder it...

Wait, give me some more time to think this through...  Hmmm....

Wow.  I think you may have solved my current problems, Ray.  (That's a straight
line, by the way; no sarcasm at all).  I've been thinking recently about life
(my life, I should say) and I've been disturbed by some things about it.  Up
until now, they appeared to be disconnected:

1) I've been avoiding relationships, even though I've had several opportunities
(some even blatant, like women saying "I want you, Kim.")
2) I'm engaged in only a few extracurricular activities (namely D&D and pool
playing), even though I've been presented with other activities.
3) I've been ineffective academically this term (that's a relative thing, by
the way), mainly due to fear of becoming drawn in to the academics.
4) I've been becoming increasingly 'clipped' (impatient, hurried, abrupt) and
sarcastic, traits which I've noticed developing in others but I have tried
(apparently unsuccessfully) to avoid in myself
5) I've been sleeping an excessive number of hours (even for me!) and I've been
sleeping during the day, too.  This is most often a sign of depression.

That's a pretty diverse list, eh?  However, I now see that they are all 
connected on a fundamental level...

Clinical Statement:  Due to phobias developed in my childhood and adolescence,
I am abnegating my own desires in order to prevent harm from befalling others
due to my own strong emotions.

Poetic Statement:  I haven't been allowing myself to love.

Given that persepctive, all the apparently unconnected things above fall into
place:  I haven't been allowing myself to love...

1) women (fear of getting hurt?  Comparison to my relationship with Cathy?)
2) activities (fear of involvement?  Comparison to D&D?)
3) academics (fear of losing myself in the academia, definitely)
4) the moment (fear of losing control of myself, definitely)
5) life itself (fear of too much connection, definitely)

Moreover, I've also been thinking about the course my life should take.  The 
two major options have been 'academic juggernaut' and 'social bohemian,' 
neither of which I really feel comfortable being.  However, I have felt that 
there is are components of both which are important, and you have reminded me
of what they were.  In both cases, it was the passion (i.e. love) for the
activity that made it worthwhile.

To illustrate, four years ago I was blazing at academics because I loved 
solving problems.  Now I am afraid of becoming too absorbed in the work 
(because I want other things in my life) and thus I am not doing as well
academically.  Because I am not allowing myself to love academics as much, I'm
not doing as well in it/as much of it.

However, I now see the basic fallacy in my fear: I can still love academics and
other things as well, just in a different way.  For example, without a doubt
I love D&D, and I am certain that no matter how much school-work I do, I'm not
going to stop DMing.  Thus, it is possible for me to love both, but just in
different ways.  I can't say one is more 'important' than the other, because
just as you have said, they are different things which can't be compared.

Gods Damnable!  Many things become clear...  give me some space...

THE VOW:
I will allow myself strong passions once again.  Even though these might hurt
other people, I now see that I cannot live my life without them.  Moreover,
insofar as I am able, I will try to include others in these loves so that they
might also benefit from them.

Well, Ray, you have just borne witness to the most startling change in my life
for the last couple years.  It's going to take me a little time to sort things
out, but I smell changes on the morning breeze...  I'll get back to you in a 
week or so to tell you what things look like once the dust has finally settled.

Thanx for the insight.

-- 
"So much for the seashells."
  - JOHN SPARTAN, aka THE DEMOLTION MAN, after repeatedly breaking the Verbal
Civility Code and before going to the bathroom.