1994.06/05 Meiron Apology

EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGE TO DANIEL MEIRON

Well, it's around 4:30PM on Sunday June 5th and I just finished and handed in
HW#6.  It's been a pretty action packed last couple weeks... but the end is
now in sight.  By the way, I think I've probably done around 50-90% on the
six HWs, with a mean around 70% (I really skimped on a few problems).  Thus,
I think that I'm going to finish as much of HW#7 as I can get done and
hand it in early Monday morning (say before 6AM, at which point I'll give up
anyway).  That should hopefully put me in the "legitimate" pass range...

Now that the year is done I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to you
for the troubles that I've put you through.  I would like to explain my
behavior to you (though this is by no means a justification for my actions) ...

When I first came to Caltech ~ 6 years ago, I was a very conscientious student.
I came here specifically for a challenge, and was eager to learn as much as I
could.  In fact, I saw the work only as a way to learn more (i.e. to dot the 
i's and cross the t's of my learning).  I noticed in high school that students
often got wrapped up in "The Grade"; here people are obsessed with
"Graduation"; these have mostly been secondary considerations for me.  The 
first few years I think I did very well academically, and my professors liked
having me in their class.

Then came The Fiasco, a period of two weeks of my life which were so bad that
I've given it a name.  Not getting into too much detail, during The Fiasco
1) I found out my parent's had been divorced for 3 months and hadn't told me
2) I found out a good friend of mine back home had died suddenly, etc.
Then when I returned to Caltech the RA of Fleming House died suddenly.  After
careful consideration I decided to take leave of absence and deal with the
changes in my life rather than plod on with my studies.

My leave was actually a fertile period for me, in a number of ways.  The 
relevant thing here was that I realized that there were other things which 
were important to me besides academics (like being loved and raising a healthy
family).  So when I returned to Caltech I made an effort to change my life
in that direction; it was a big accomplishment for me when I was able to 
accept less than "perfection" in my work.

Therein lies the root of my difficulties for the last couple years.  I swung
the pendulum too wide, and began negelcting my studies.  This was very evident
this first term, which I basically flaked off work entirely.  Second term I
began working once again, but I also found a girlfriend (the first one I've had
since my leave over two years ago).  This last term I, after I recovered from
my sickness, I found it incredibly difficult to motivate myself.  This was
because 1) graduation means little to me and 2) I no longer feel the need to
do the work in order to learn things "perfectly."  

Anyway, it's a pretty mixed up scenario for the most part.  I think the 
movement away from obsessing with my work (as I used to do) is a good one; I
also think I've handled the change badly.  The thing that I am most unhappy
with is the fact that I've disappointed my professors and caused them undue
difficulties; I could have kept true to my movement and still not done that.
I hope to eventually find a middle ground between my work and social life,
where I can do each well (and not one very well at the expense of the other).
However, this doesn't excuse my actions as they stand.

I'm sorry.

-- 
"And miles to go before I sleep,
  and miles to go before I sleep."
    - ROBERT FROST, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening