1996.05/11 A Long Overdue Update

Well, it's been an interesting year.  As you may have noticed, this particular
essay isn't excerpted from a correspondence.  Since I moved the bulk portion
of the people I keep in contact with are in easy reach, and thus I haven't 
accumulated the number of 'pithy' e-mails which I usually do.  It will 
probably be that way for the next few years (since I'm going to graduate 
school at Caltech) so I hope you will bear with me during these trying times.
8^)

Let's crank up the wayback machine and see what's happened for the last 12
months or so.  I moved down to Pasadena and luckily found a place right next
to the Caltech campus.  That was incredibly fortuitous, since the main reasons
for coming were to a) prepare my graduate school applications and b) continue 
the research I was doing with Dr. McEliece.  I took the GREs, filled out the 
paperwork, and filed my fellowship applications.  All in all, the final 
choice was easy: MIT once again rejected me and so I ended up at Caltech for 
the second time.  

The research began exceedingly well, hit a total dry period, and has recently
proceeded apace.  The nadir was, alas, caused by a lack of finances rather than
inspiration.  Since I had surprised Dr. McEliece with my sudden appearance he
had no funds to offer me; I supported myself through a few short term computer
programming projects.  Unfortunately, one of them 'got away' from me and lasted
a few months longer than I expected.  

I discovered a revealing facet about our culture during this time.  When I met
new people they would invariably ask me what I did, to which I would reply
"research".  They would assume I was a student, and I would correct them.  
Then they would assume it was a job, and ask what type of money it made, and 
I (somehat foolishly) told the truth and said I was doing it for free.  For 
perhaps the first time ever I've had people doubt my words; many of them 
thought I was joking.  It is doubly interesting that a) people classify
others by their occupation and b) that occupations are classified solely by
their monetary renumeration.  After awhile I started telling people that I
was a jobless bum.  It simplified matters considerably...  :-)

Of course, these details are really rather incidental.  What has *really*
been happening?  Well, in the romantic arena I've been once again put into
an unsavory role.  There have been three women who have, for whatever reason,
been attracted to me, and I've been (damn these morals!) obliged to gently
fend them off.  One was a woman still living with her current boyfriend, 
another someone who had just broken up (after 18+ months) and in a vulnerable
frame of mind, and the last  was quite honestly someone I would never 
want to get involved with.  Except for the potential for unrestrained 
mind-bending sex, of course...  :-)

Anyway, this has been particularly disturbing for me.  One of my main goals
is to find 'the right woman', settle down, and raise a healthy and loving
family.  Here have been clear opportunities, if not for matrimonial-caliber
relationships then at least for intimate ones, and I have spurned them.  In 
each case I believe that it was better for both the woman and I to remain 
friends (except the last case, of course.  I still have dreams about her...
:-)  

Might I have been wrong?  Could it be there was no legitimate reason to 
avoid these relationships and that things would have been better had I 
allowed them to happen?  Or maybe there is an association in my mind (school, 
studies, work?) which takes 'precedence' and is unconsciously inhibiting me 
from becoming intimate?  By the way, I don't think these are fanciful worries
about 'the road not taken'.  I consider these serious concerns grounded
in real world observations.  I made the very bad mistake of pushing my first
true love away, because I thought it would be best for her.  The possibility
of my repeating that blunder seems very real to me...

... and furthermore, I've noticed a number of other similar phenomena.  The
most significant is probably my declining social vitality.  Since a great 
many 'old friends' are in the area, I've spent very little time making new 
ones.  I've observed a similar tendency in them as well.  The friendships are
slowly winding down, as each person seems to be willing to invest less and 
less in it.  Worse, for the first time ever I have had 'rough-edged moments' 
with these friends.  Long pauses of uncomfortable silence, a person leaving
abruptly, and worst of all, hot words visibly held back.  Not that situations
like these haven't 'occured' before, but I was previously sensitive enough to
'see them coming' and offer a healthy outlet before things became 
uncomfortable.  Now I, too, don't seem to have the energy or motivation to do
so.  

Hey, wait, it's not all that bleak.  8^>  I work off the motto that "an ounce
of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  The things I'm describing right
now are in reality minute warning signals.  I believe it would probably be
months before any of these things became major problems, and even though they
might curtail the friendships they probably wouldn't end them.  However, I 
think the application of a small, consistent effort now will bear large
fruit later.  

So, I've decided that I'm going to try and rejuvenate myself socially.  
This summer will be a good start, since I'll be meeting entirely new people in
Princeton (where, BTW, I'll be attending a summer research program at the 
Institute for Defense Analyses).  Then, this fall I'm going to be living in
Avery House, an experimental house on campus which is based in part on
a larger interaction between faculty, graduates, and undergraduates.  Lastly, 
I intend to invest in myself for a little while.  Try to make myself into yet
a better friend and better person.  We'll see what happens...