1997.06/04 Cherish Others As They Are

EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGE TO PENELOPE SHERMAN

> yeah, I know what you mean; but well, if the person can't deal/doesn't
> like it then maybe it's better to get that out early than to deal with
> someone who just isn't going to accept you and wants to be freinds
> with someone who doesn't exist :(  What'cha think?

I think that I would agree (at least with the part of your sentence that
I was able to parse  :-) that people often see others as they want or expect
them to be, rather than as they actually are.  It is especially difficult
in romantic situations, "love is blind", etc.  A lot of pain can be caused
(for all parties!) when one or more people refuse to acknowledge a clearly 
visible truth.

On a related note, ever hear of "The Pygmalion Project"?  It is the tendency 
of people to try and recast others in their own image, rather than accept
them as they are.  I feel that there is a much greater opportunity to cherish 
people when you see them as they are, *especially* if they are different...
it is a shame that people have so much difficulty accepting others.

> Sorry to keep you up late..............................................
> I'm flattered + pleased that you'ld think about it that much, and that
> you'ld be interested making a new friend....

  I wouldn't want to deflate your appreciation, but it turns
out that my great character flaw is that I can't not think about things.
So the careful attention I have paid to the situation  is about par
for the course.  :-O

However, I *do* want to be friends.  With you, as you are, unaltered; and 
with you, as you will be, moved and changed.  :,-)  (tear of emotion)

> And no, it did not suprise or even
> bother me.  I'm used to such comments.  And although I agree that my
> approach may make things difficult for someone else (you); I can only
> try my best (which may just not be sufficient) to speak up + be more
> outgoing.  

Hmmm...  that is certainly a solution in the solution set, but it is by no
means the only one.  For example, 
  a) I could stop expecting you to reveal yourself
  b) we could make a game out of your evasiveness
  c) we could seek non-reflective situations / activities
I do not believe that your approach is in any way "wrong" and needs to be
"corrected".  It is merely a condition that needs to be considered, and 
should be changed only if *you* feel you need to change it.

> 	A lot of people seem to find value in psychologists.  It's
> good that the profession exists.  But like the house system at tech,
> the satisfaction that people get runs a gamut.  How do you feel about
> those people?  What do you discuss with yours?

Hmmm...  I've been on a self-explorative kick for awhile, so my opinion is
likely to be suspect.  However, I can make some reasonably safe statements:

  a) You are correct that not everyone benefits from every institution
(and if we assume that people are temperamentally different to begin with,
we shouldn't even expect that!)  So therapy, much like the housing system, 
has widely varying meaning and utility for individual people.

  b) Often another viewpoint is essential in solving one's own problems.
People are far more adept at solving other people's problems than they are
at even identifying their own.  (I have several hypotheses as to why this is
true, but observationally it holds.)  I believe people realize this on some 
level, and that is why so many seek advice, unload their troubles, sympathize 
and commiserate, etc.

  c) There is strong juju in what I call 'The Confession Effect'.  When 
something is held inside, privately, or individually experienced, then often
it has a shadow existence, not fully real or realized.  But when something
is told to someone else (even in confidence), public, or jointly experienced,
then it somehow becomes more real.  

As for me, I find great utility in speaking to counselors.  I've been 
speaking off and on to the same one for the last 6 years, and she has been 
consistently insightful.  In fact, I would say that one of the most precious
gifts that someone can give me is a view of the world from their perspective,
whether or not that view includes me.  It is, after all, something which I
can never experience by myself.

> 	My plan for a partial solution to speaking up is to learn to
> sign (it'ld be fun to put the shoe back on their foot) - till then
> s'pose I'll have to go for audible ;)

One word: Flashcards.  :-)

> It can make for difficult conversation when both people are trying to
> draw the other out.  Amusing, but difficult.  (It's entertaining that
> two "easy to talk to" people can have such difficulty ;)

Life is full of such ironies.  Alas, "easy to talk to" is not the same as
"easily conversant"...

> That's very considerate of you :)  But you needn't worry, as my real
> friends find I talk way too much - so just remember that in the end it
> evens out (hoping of course that we might someday be friends ;) 

Hope is often a more moving vision than reality... and I feel that we are 
already becoming friends.  ;}  (quivering lower lip)

> [in
> elementary school, the teacher called my mother up because she was
> worried that I never spoke.  My mother thought they were just making
> it up because she couldn't shut me up for trying.  It's just a

LOL!  :-()

> personality thing.  People are package deals - you need to decide
> whether the package is worth the price....  Well, unless of course

Do you really think so?  Namely, that we necessarily have to pay a price in 
order to know someone else?  Are there no relationships which are naturally
'enriching'?

> you're the parent in which case you made your bed + have to lie in it].
> 
> Group interaction is
> something to learn - you are very effective at it.  It really does
> seem to be a different dynamic.  It'ld be good to hear your insights
> sometime, if you'ld share them?  

A rather large topic.  Let's save it for a rainy day...  this e-mail is
already burgeoning with pith...

> The new-ness is a safety thing - not that I have any state secrets
> (hmm... :) but well, it's tied in to self esteem.  i.e. if one uses
> her identity as a point of self-esteem, then that identity becomes
> valueable + people often protect what they find valuable.  

Hmmm... I agree with your observations, but I have come to different
conclusions.  I believe that which we find most valuable is exactly what we
should strive the most to share, especially in the personal arena.  I
further feel that emotions like love necessarily contain a component of
vulnerability, i.e. in some sense loving is measured by how much we could
harm the other person, and allow them to harm us.  

BTW, this is a topic of particular relevance to my own life.  For many years
I have built a "Fortress Kim", unassailable to harm except by extreme
measures.  This construct was not only justified but also necessary when I
was growing up... but lately it has served mainly to prevent other people
from truly loving me.  After all, what boots giving to someone who could
care less?  Who derives no joy or harm from your actions?

This philosophy has been the crux of my recent Incarnation change.  I have 
lifted the covenants which prevented me from harming other people, and am 
slowly leveling Fortress Kim.  It is, on the whole, a very frightening 
change...  but one which I believe is necessary if I am ever going to love
and be loved.

Whew!  

BTW, here's a perfect case where Assumption A is relevant.  The above 
exposition was *not* intended to try and convince you to open yourself up, or 
to criticize you for preventing people from loving you, etc.  It is merely a 
description of what I feel to be true, and what has moved me to change myself.
It is entirely possible that my feelings and observations might have relevance
to someone else's life...  but then again, it might not.  In the end result,
that is something which I believe other people have to figure out for 
themselves.

Whew^2!

> There is
> also the fact that people often misinterpret verbal communication...

People can misintepret *any* communication...

> Well, s'pose you've heard possibly more than you expected.  

No!  Not at all!

> Sorry to
> talk about myself so much :(  

More!  Encore!  (Perhaps I'm not making myself clear here...  :-)

> S'pose the shoe's now on the other foot

I've noticed a definite shoe motif in your e-mails... do you have a foot
fetish or something?  :)--<