1999.08/03 Peace of Mind
EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGES TO MYFANWY
[Myfanwy describes a complicated polyamorous full-blown Love Tetrahedron]
Evan ----- Myfanwy
. /
. /
Megan /
| /
| /
Chris
}
} Sigh.
}
} That's the gist of it. Any guidance?
Hmmm... well, the situation you are in is an intrisically difficult one with
no easy resolution. If you've felt over-whelmed and don't know what to do,
then you should know that is a very natural reaction given the circumstances.
"What do I do?" is an all-important question, especially if it seems like
every course of action is wrong in some way. Currently I would not venture
an answer since I do not know the dramatis personae well enough.
However, I do know a sure path to the resolution of your conundrum. What if
instead we asked, "What is keeping you from knowing what to do?" Possible
replies might include: because you feel off-balance, because things feel to
large to deal with, because events are mercurial and hard to handle, because
things seem nebulous and hard to wrap your mind around, because you don't
have a strong sense of what 'the right thing' is.
Let us for the moment switch focus from the Original Problem (i.e. what to do
about the love tetrahedron) to the Secondary Hindrances (i.e. things
preventing you from resolving the OP). What can be done about those?
Fortunately, each of these is a closed problem and furthermore eminently
soluble. For example, you would derive great benefit from seeking
equilibrium, support, clarity, definition, and rectitude. [More on these
later.]
In a paradoxical fashion, dealing with the SHs first is the actually the
quickest path to solving the OP. Right now you are in a state where the OP
seems insoluble; it seems so because the SHs are also in the way. Once all
the SHs are removed a solution to the OP will present itself. The trick to
solving a hard problem is to first change your state to one conducive to
solving it.
I hope this little bit has helped. I'll elaborate on the above points at the
next 'net connection pitstop'. Gotta go!
BTW, I'm dying to hear what happens next in the FourPoints Saga. This stuff
is better than a soap opera... ;-)
} Slowly I'm untangling the depths of my mind. It will take some time, but
} I am endlessly grateful for your help. "Foreman of Myfanwy Reconstruction
} 1999"! Thank you.
You're very welcome. "Helping to build a better Myfanwy for the New
Millenium." :-)
Hmmm... it appears that now is the time for plain speaking (fortunately,
that's also what I prefer :-)
I am concerned about your sense of self, Myfanwy. One of the most damaging
aspects of your relationship and subsequent breakup with Chris was how it
affected your feelings toward yourself. During, you felt confused for
allowing encroachment (because you wanted to be close); after, you felt
vile for having unforgiveably harmed someone you love. Both injured a
nascent sense of self-worth and cranked your self-image out of whack.
It further appears that the route that you are taking to re-establish your
sense of self is as an image in the minds of others. Unfortunately, [if you
will permit me to try and spare you about four years of grief and misdirected
effort, perhaps foolhardily so, because no one ever believes this the first
time around] it Aint Gonna Happen, because Things Don't Work That Way.
The only durable self-worth is the private, one oblivious to the variable
interpretations of others. The only accurate self-worth is the selective,
that carefully screens who it trusts and what it listens to. The only
energizing self-worth is the positive, that accepts and admits to strengths
as well as flaws.
You stand on the edge of a slippery slope. If you continue in your
loneliness to seek those who provide you with visceral comfort, and also in
your need to validate yourself through others, then the combination will
shape and mold you, irrespective of what you intend, and irrespective of who
you are. But like hair, it will happen so slowly that you won't notice it
until it becomes a snarled tangled mess. And then you'll have no choice but
to cut if off or be strangled.
What you may not realize is that the choice of futures is yours, and the time
to make it is now. This very moment. No time like the present to change
your life. Do you want to direct your life and become the person that you've
dreamed of being, with quiet strength and splendor, spreading joy and
happiness? Or do you want to be buffeted by the world, abused and confused,
warped by base desires (both yours and others)? Choose, dammit! The longer
that you delay, the more the decision is made for you. Even if you choose
the latter, it is better to do so with eyes wide open than with eyes wide
shut.
} > I am concerned about your sense of self, Myfanwy.
} You should not be so concerned. I think I value myself appropriately
} although I still harsh on myself more than others would. I not only am my
} harshest critic, but I think that's the way it should always be. But
} given that, I still have a rosy picture of myself:
}
} My sister and I have often discussed finding the perfect man: intelligent,
} warm, multi-talented, adventurous, optimistic. Our consolation in not
} finding one is the thought that we _know_ such people do exist because we
} ourselves exist. We refuse to believe we are unique. But I have the
} feeling that our trouble is not so much in the seeking as in the
} recognition of value. Time (and lots of introspection) will tell.
Have you and your sister had similar relational experiences? Difficulties?
} I mean, I am convinced that I make the universe a brighter place in
} my own small ways, that on the whole I bring good things to deserving
} people. I am kind, bright, strong of heart, dependable, and benevolent.
} Furthermore, there is very little anger, jealousy, and hatred encompassed
} within this soul. What I fear is not that I am unworthy, but that my
} judgement is askew, and that's a fairly major thing. I mean, I will be
} unsuccessful in my pursuits if I make poor decisions never mind what
} resources I have. I have confidence that am a good person at heart, but I
} want to do things which not only don't hurt others, but bring benefit both
} to those I care for and to myself.
Ahhh... I remember some times when I held my own judgement in suspect. They
were insidiously disheartening and undermining times, for once I accepted
that my judgement was flawed, I couldn't trust that anything I did would help
(including the things designed to improve my judgement!).
For example, the most recent time was with Colleen. Colleen and I had a
whirlwind relationship; after one month I had moved in with her down in San
Diego. We were deliriously obsessed with one another, making love for hours
on end every day, to the point of physical exhaustion. We surged with
powerful emotions for one another.
After awhile the problems began. Colleen was much older than I, and most of
her serious relationships ended by her partner cheating on her (one, in
particular, was her husband whom she felt was her soulmate). She began to
suspect that I was fooling around, or preparing to do so. Her insecurity
caused her to scrutinize my behavior and see phantasms.
It was very confusing for me. I was very much in love with Colleen. Why
were we fighting so much? At each point my response to her insecure
accusations was reassurance and recommitment, but after a certain point it
wasn't enough. Moreover, I could feel her pain, pain that was from my
actions... from which it is a very small step to say that I caused.
And then one day I was able to see her point of view, the full force of her
pain and insecurity. And I began to doubt my own sincerity. And I suspected
myself of being the person she thought I was, someone that was just going to
hurt her in the end. And that's when I began to question my own judgement.
I literally walked around in a daze for a couple days.
That's when I reached out for help. Some of it was purely logistical, like
finding a place to stay. Other parts were more involved. I had a number of
long conversations with Arno (the previously mentioned Man of Rectitude #2).
He helped me quickly reconstruct myself, primarily by reminding me of things
I had told him before. Seeking support and advice made the difference.
Once I had just enough confidence in myself to start making decisions again,
then I acted. And after some bumbling about, I started trusting myself
again. Soon after I resumed the semblance of life. In fact, it wasn't until
recently that I felt worthy of directing my life again... but that's another
story. :-)
} I know that you already know it, but for my sake I will say "You said
} nothing wrong." I have emotionally derailed before. It happens when it
} is a topic on which I have already admonished myself (I hate to have to
} tell myself anything twice) and when I have the deepest of my thoughts
} exposed; a simple touch can cause pain to the raw nerves. In other words,
} I forget to unplug my emotional appliance when I'm fiddling with the
} wiring of my brain.
Heh, heh, heh. Who said that I avoided hurting myself? :-O
As for wiring fiddling, there are many ways to avoid mishap. For example,
1) keep grounded. Always keep your feet firmly planted. That also gives
you better leverage if you need to yank on something. 8^)
2) release a priori expectation. Don't expect to find something, look at
what's actually there. Don't form an opinion before actual examination.
3) accept reality. You are the way you are. If (and when) you find a
shortcoming, accept that it is there. That's the first step to changing it.
4) evaluate judgment. Make sure that you are aware of the premises on
which you judge your findings. Many judgments are reasonable but irrational,
even more vestigal and inappropriate.
5) keep the end in sight. Self knowledge is essential for process of
directed self change. The recipe is different depending on what ingredients
you begin with (unless, of course, one is making a spicy jambalaya :-)