1999.09/23 Monogamy

EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGES TO MYFANWY

} Hmm, I'm just finishing up at work... 
} 
} A thought crosses my mind...
} 
} You said that you would have no trouble implementing the seduction if you
} could convince yourself, ie. "knew" it was right.  
} 1) Would it be enough to "know" it's not wrong?
} 2) What would it take before you could accept it?  I take it you know
} yourself fairly well, but what would you have to deduce about me?
}   a) Knowing that I would be comfortable in a _monogamous_ relationship?
}   b) Knowing I would be happy in a relationship with _you_?
} 3) Or _do_ you know yourself well enough?
}   a) Would you fear that you would be swayed by my polygamous nature into
} a lifestyle you do not desire?

Ahhh... very insightful questions all.  They are easier to answer if we back
up a bit and describe the wellspring from which my desires flow, namely what
type of relationship I want.  To wit:

I want to passionately love and be loved by my mate.  I want us to have a
jointly vibrant life: growing, deepening, enriching.  I want us to connect in
every way possible: emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually.  I
want us to be friends, and to have the things friendship entails:
understanding, fun, cameraderie, etc.  but there are a few things that I
would offer only to my mate.

I want us to have romance: slow kissing in a bed ringed by the light of a
thousand candles, holding each other fiercely against the cold wind on the
mountaintop, asking "Have you ever been soul kissed by a man who loves you
during a total solar eclipse?"  (Heh.  Another fantasy...  :-)  An
affirmation of our continual affection for one another. 

I want us to make love: tiny soft kisses that come straight from the heart
and bring tears of joy, hard raw sex that leaves us sweaty and exhausted and
trembling in each other's arms, honey-drenched flesh-licking adventures.  A
heady celebration of our intimate desire for one another. 

I want us to have trust: the striving to be close yet also to prevent harm,
the confidence that we will resist the temptations that might divide the
union, the security of knowing that we value each other.  A tangible
confirmation of our sincere appreciation of one another.

Like many things, love and sex and trust are far more when united than
divided.  It is this powerful synergy that I want to give to my
partner... and to receive from them, as well.  It is the main reason why I am
an advocate of monogamy, since it is a rare condition that enhances all
aspects of the trinity.  Romance is more passionate when focused, lovemaking
is more meaningful when singular, trust is more enduring when committed.

Now that you have the background, onto the answers:

1) That something is not wrong is certainly a necessary condition for me to
act, but by itself it is not sufficient.  A closely related question is: If I
desire something and also know that it is neither wrong nor right to do it,
is that sufficient?  I honestly don't know.  Up until recently, I wouldn't
even have considered desire a compelling reason...   but I am changing my
view in a number of ways.

BTW, seduction is right (for me) when it is with a mate (as above).  Then it
becomes an expression of intense sharing, not just a technique for arousal.
Seduction is wrong when the partner is unwilling.

2) There are several alternatives.  Among them:
  I. It would take an indication that you intended to provide the level of
trust that I would want in an intimate relationship.  You are already
truthful and honest, which is an essential foundation.
  II. It would take a release of my expectations (e.g. to no longer expect
monogamy) and the surgical removal of the pieces connected to them.  Which,
btw, is a course that I have considered and has as many pros as cons to it.
2a) One is comfortable with polygamy; one is committed to monogamy.  
2b) Hah!  Well, it might just be me, but I'd far rather be in a relationship
with someone that desired me than not...  ;-)

But to answer your question, it would be sufficient to know that you wanted
the type of relationship that I did, and intended to create it with me.  No
one can make relational guarantees (nor should they, for that matter), but
they should enter a relationship sincerely intending to make it the best they
can.  

Said differently, I would strive to *make* you happy, with a series of ever
changing seductions, you know, if that's what it took.  8^)

3) Actually, I would be more concerned with the potential exchange of hurt
than with possible sexual conversions.  You could cause me a great deal of
pain by breaching my  trust.  The sharper edges of my inflexible morality
could deal you a great many wounds.

However, your apprehension is a sound one.  I do not fear doing something
that I have disavowed (i.e. chosen not to want), I am concerned that I might
strongly desire something that is not what I want.  I have not specifically
disavowed polygamy; I've chosen monogamy because I believe it to be
preferable.  [Heh, heh, heh.  Remind me to tell you about Montana Gunn
sometime...  ;-] 

Wowsers!  This turned into a romantic manifesto of sorts.  Why all the
questions about seduction?  One might think that  that you had
something in mind...  8^)



} Comments on your last letter:
} 
} It surprises me that you mention "spiritually".  What do you mean when you
} say that?

Pretty much what I think most people mean when they say spiritually, namely a
mystical connection that operates on principles other than the physically
observable.  In my case, I would like to have a numinous synergy with my
mate, a deep down feeling of sacred rightness that we should be together.  

Does that answer your question?  Why does it surprise you that I say
"spiritually"?  In many ways, I'm a rather ecclesiastical sort...  (or is
that eclectic?  I always get them confused...  ;-)

} How so?  And don't most people use desire as their _only_ reason, simply
} rationalized by any number of secondary and tertiary reasons?

Ahhh... we probably are using desire in different contexts.  If you mean
desire as a generalized motive force, then I would agree with you, yes, most
people base their lives from their desires.  But if one were to slice the
knife between wants, desires, wishes, hopes, whims (to say nothing of the
obligatory side: commitments, honors, observances, rituals, etc.) then I
would say, no, not everyone bases their actions on desire (used in this
specialized connotation).