2000.10/03 Wake Up Call
EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGES WITH THE HERMANS
} Dear Kim,
}
} I am aware that you spoke with Jen Tuesday night, and I thank you
} for being a good friend who listens to what she has to say. I took
} off the afternoon from work yesterday to talk to her. As you might
} already know, my relationship with Jen is in crisis. I feel like
} it is rapidly spinning out of control.
} Jen has told me that she needs me to understand her true self and
} be emotionally supportive, but I have never really learned how to
} be emotionally supportive for someone else. The important thing,
} though, is that I want to learn how to be emotionally supportive!
} Perhaps if I share my side of the story with you, you might be
} able to offer some good advice.
}
} After I telephoned you a month or two ago, I spent more time
} thinking deeply about my emotions and about ways to express
} my emotions to Jen, and also about her emotions. It's still
} really hard for me to express my emotions, but I tell her that I
} love her and why I love her every day. I know that she wants
} me to open up more to her, and I'm trying, but progress is coming
} slowly. We have had some wonderful experiences together recently,
} including renewing our wedding vows and spending our wedding
} anniversary at Huntington Gardens. I took off the afternoon
} from work that day to spend it with Jennifer.
}
} Things started to go badly in early July. I had a HUGE project
} to finish at work by July 15th. Jen really wanted more time to talk
} to me (and told me so), but patiently agreed to wait until after
} the deadline. Well, I was swamped with work, and required an
} extension to complete the project. Despite initially promising
} Jen that I could spend last weekend with her, I had too much work
} to finish and had to work at home over the weekend. [NOTE: I
} used to go back to work after dinner, but since I returned from
} Sweden, I have not done this at all, prefering to spend my time
} with Jen.] On friday, we decided that while I worked at home,
} Jen would study.
}
} On Saturday, Jen decided that she didn't really
} want to study. She wanted to talk to me about her feelings.
} Now comes the critical part. I spoke hastily to Jen without thinking
} about the consequences. Jen was telling me about her feelings
} in great detail, and I was listening. Or rather, I was trying
} to listen because my mind is easily distracted by thoughts about
} what errands have to get done (it doesn't matter what's going on -
} I can be at a concert, or in church, or working - I still get
} thoughts all the time about what errands to get done). Then,
} I suddenly realized that I was getting grumpy because we were
} spending lots of time talking about feelings without getting
} done the stuff we had to do that day. Another part of me wanted
} to listen to Jen, but realized that if I wasn't careful, my grumpy
} side might compel me to say something impatient to Jen. While
} this was going on, Jen said, "You don't tell me 90% of the thoughts
} that you are thinking. What are you thinking about right now?"
} Before I knew it or even thought about a careful way to say it,
} I blurted out, "I'm wondering how we're going to have enough
} time to get important stuff done today." As soon as I said it,
} I knew it was a terrible thing to say because (1) obviously, talking
} about feelings IS important, (2) I didn't validate her feelings,
} (3) it sounded like I wasn't listening and didn't want to listen to her
} (though part of me genuinely was listening to her).
} I apologized to Jen and gave her a hug,
} and tried to say anything I could to make her feel better. She
} started to cry, and I was very disappointed in myself. I said,
} "When I do really boneheaded things like that, I wonder if I will
} ever be emotionally good for you. I'm losing hope that I will ever be
} able to make you feel happy." Then Jen asked me not to lose hope.
}
} Later on Saturday, Jen decided to clean the apartment
} (she decided to do that partially for me, since she knew
} I really wanted her to clean up her stuff in the apartment).
} Well, I tried to do work at the same time, but it soon became
} clear that she kept distracting me and that I wasn't getting much
} work done. I was grumpy that I couldn't work on the project but
} decided to help her with the cleaning. I told her that
} I really needed to finish the project (the extension only lasted
} until yesterday), and I insisted on working on Sunday. To keep
} from distracting me, she spent Sunday afternoon with a friend.
} That was nice because it allowed me to make lots of progress
} on my work. When she returned, I thanked her for letting me
} work on the project (the unspoken understanding was that the
} sooner I completed the project, the sooner we could talk about
} our relationship). However, Jen told me yesterday that she was
} extremely unhappy about what I said on Saturday and that I worked
} at all over the weekend when I had previously promised to spend
} the weekend with her.
}
} Every since then, I think that Jen has been fixated on my statement
} that I was losing hope. I have told her several times since then
} that I was feeling particularly hopeless over the weekend, but
} that I have more hope now. It doesn't seem to help the situation,
} though.
}
} I am still trying to be emotionally available for Jen and to listen
} to her, but it is hard for me to change my old habits. I love her
} dearly and want to do whatever it takes for our relationship to
} be good! I think that I do have the capacity to be emotional and
} emotionally supportive, but I have repressed that capacity for so
} long that it is difficult to bring it out.
}
} Kim, I trust you as a friend and - more importantly - someone who
} knows and understands Jen. Any advice or suggestions you may
} have for me on how to be (1) emotionally supportive,
} (2) understanding of Jen, and (3) passionate will be greatly appreciated.
Dear Bob,
Let me apologize in advance for being the bearer of hard messages.
If you do not change your priorities immediately your wife is going to leave
you. The only reason why Jen is still with you right now is because she said
that she had made a promise to you to stay until next year.
From what I have heard from both you and Jen, it looks like you place your
work as a higher priority than your marriage. Any polite protestations
aside that this is not the case, you absolutely, positively must see the
extent of this if you are going to have any hope of altering your behavior.
Take a small questionnaire:
How many hours a day do you spend working?
How many hours a day do you spend quality time with Jen (intimate talk,
romantic outings, fun activities)?
How many new projects at work have you proactively initiated in the last
month?
How many romantic activities have you initiated with Jen in the last month?
How many times have you asked Jen to be patient because of work?
How many times have you asked your peers to be patient because of your
marriage?
This e-mail itself is a powerful indicator:
Work is mentioned sixteen (16) times
You say that you "took off time from work" to be with your wife twice
You mention that you have a crisis with your wife and a HUGE project at
work. Which one did you spend more time on?
Unless you place your marriage as your unquestioned first priority today,
this very instant, and then back it up with actions that reflect that in
clear, unambiguous ways, then you will have effectively driven your wife away
by placing her second to your career.
Let's take a look at some things from Jen's perspective:
(*) The first rift between you two appears when you spend a long time away.
Why? Because your work requires you to travel.
(*) You promise to become more romantic, but have yet to do so. Why?
Because your focus and attention has been on a big project at work.
(*) You thank Jen for deliberately avoiding you. Why? So that you could
get some work done.
Pause and reflect seriously about this. Your every action, every word, every
day sends a message to the woman that you profess to love. What type of
message do you think the above sends to Jen? I can hear it loud and clear,
and I'm 300 miles away: "My work is more important than you are. I prefer
spending time working than I do with you. You will always be second in my
life."
Is that the message you want to send to Jen?
If you want to keep your wife, to rekindle a relationship with the woman who
would love you endlessly if you would show her your love, you had better
change the message and change it fast. It should read something like:
"You are the most important thing in the world to me, more important than
work or money or fame. I can't spend enough quality time with you, in fun
and intimacy. I love you, forever."
Actions speak louder than words, and only actions are going to reach Jen in
her current state. What actions do you think you could take that would speak
the above to her? Several suggestions leap to mind:
a) Go to your boss / advisor / whoever, and ask for some space to repair
your marriage. Ask them to wait the same way you've asked Jen.
b) Pro-actively arrange a succession of romantic activities, once a day for
an entire week, and then continue to hold them every other day. Do not be
frugal. Do things you've always wanted to together.
c) Spend time on your wife. Do all the things we talked about before:
research romanticism (reading, talking to people, etc.), organize
activities, and spend hours of quality time every day with her.
d) Have both of you take a week-long vacation from work within the next
month. Do not spend it at home vacuuming the carpets. In fact, don't be
practical in the slightest. Go someplace exotic and fun and don't plan a
thing.
The list goes on and on, and you should be able to fill in the rest on your
own. I hope this helps get you started.
Jen still loves you and is in anguish over the increasing distance between
the two of you. I honestly believe that if you begin this very moment
placing her first in your life in deed as well as in word that you have a
chance of winning her heart again. I also believe that if you hesitate, or
equivocate, or make some half-hearted attempt that doesn't indicate any real
change at all, then you have by default chosen to let your marriage slip away.
Sincerely,
Kim
[A message from Jen a few weeks later]
Dear Kim,
Hi! How have you been? Busy? How are things going with
Nan? ;) How is work?
I haven't heard from you in a while. My tendency is to worry
that I'm getting the silent treatment for something I did
wrong, but I'm think that you've actually been quite busy with
your own life, right? At least, I hope that's what it is, and
not that you got sick or something.
Things have improved extremely since I've written you last.
I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL TO YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE TWICE!
Gosh, I don't know what I can do except tell you "Thank you for
being such a wonderful, caring friend". You already had my
friendship for life, but now you have Bob's too. He told me that if it
wasn't for the email you sent him, he doesn't think he would've
ever gotten it, at least not nearly in enough time. He had a
hard time at first, but he's doing great now. I had a hard time
too, with forgiving him, but I eventually got over it enough to
be happy and feel in love again. I learned a few things about
myself too:
* What happened is partially my fault for allowing it
* I need to speak up sooner, when his behavoir hurts me
* I need to listen to his needs, instead of guessing at them
* I need to be a better listener
* I need some time alone, to reflect and feel centered each day
* I need to learn to be comfortable with being lonely sometimes
* I need to accept that the only one who is responsible
for "making me happy" is me.
* I need to be better at asking for what I want, but also
at accepting "no" as an answer. A "no" doesn't mean I
don't deserve a "yes", or that I'm a bad or unworthy
person, it just means no.
* I'm not perfect, and I need to forgive myself sometimes, and
be more careful to not have too high expectations.
* I deserve to be loved for who I am, not just for what I do
for people I love.
So, Bob convinced me to go to Hawaii with him for a week. We
are doing that in addition to visiting his parents and grandparents
in Florida next week. So starting on Saturday, I'll have 2 weeks
off! Yay! He and I are looking forward to having a romantic,
intimate week alone, and are (as strange as this sounds) more
sickeningly giddy about it than we were about our honeymoon.
Sigh, clue is a powerful thing to have, but acquiring it is a
painful process. No wonder you like older women :) .
Take care, Kim.
Best wishes,
Jen