2002.11/27 The Balancing Act
EXCERPTED FROM A MESSAGE TO WHITNEY SALZ
} Alright, you. (Good morning and all of that). A problem with you being
} a 'wordsmith' and these mails reaching such exaggerated nested length
} is that after reading them I set up with all kinds of expectations
} about how I'm 'supposed' to answer them with epic style.
Hah! This is nothing. Someday we'll write each other some _really_ long
e-mails and your concept of monolithic epic will be redefined. ;-)
} Two minor goals: 1)Not to let that get ahead of me. Whoa, Nelly.
} Concise=clear=good. 2)To find a way to keep this stuff fairly
} organized while still line-referenced.
Sounds like a plan.
} (It's so clear and sunny today and I'm drinking green tea between bouts
} of laundry. The dogs are sleeping nearby and life is good).
Ahh... a nice slice of life. I've actually had an exceedingly good day
myself. Everything went well at work, I finally got to talk to a friend of
mine that I've been hoping to for awhile, had a great time at the Oklahoma!
musical with Sonny and Candace, had a wonderful conversation after the
performance, and, of course, I received an e-mail from you. ;-)
} "Kim E. Lumbard [Talos Woten]"
} What is Talos Woten a reference to? Woten sounds like a version of
} Odin... just curious.
Very keen observation. "Woten" is, in fact, the local precursor myth to Odin
before the gods were united into a single Norse pantheon. "Talos" is the
bronze statue that Jason fought on his quest to find the Golden Fleece.
Taken together, it is the name that I put on the high score lists of computer
and arcade games. 8^)
} Here in Acton I have cable modem access, and along with jobless bumhood
} comes a certain flexibility of schedule, so I generally get back
} quickly. But I'm inconsistant - I will sometimes leave for days and
} not check it at all. If we're going to be friends I should admit that
} now. I can be a bit flaky, that way.
I appreciate you letting me know. I also waver between phases of promptness
and less-than-promptness-bordering-on-outright-impoliteness. 8^)
Howzabout if we make a deal. How about if neither of us worries how long it
takes us to respond to one another, and we are gleefully happy with every
response we get? That was we don't have to worry about being flaky or
whether the other person might be annoyed by it. Deal?
} I'm hoping that it won't muck with my sleep. I like sleep. I've
} already played with sleep deprivation in my life. I'm looking forward
} to the needles (well, not themselves but the information drawn through
} them) and the EEG (yes, at night). I worked the emergency/overnight
} shift for nearly a year at the teaching veterinary hospital. I learned
} tons, would never have skipped it, but it was really rough. I was also
} going through the most prolonged emotionally/socially grueling period
} of my life at the same time, and between the two they scarred me. I
} will never again underestimate sleep.
Ay yai yai. What was the grueling part?
A) I also have a healthy respect for sleep, especially since I've had such an
on-again off-again relationship with it.
B) Though, I still experiment. I've been considering doing the Leonardo Da
Vinci for several months now. Leonardo took a nap for 15 minutes out of
every four hours, sleeping in total about 1.5 hours a day. I'm very
interested in measuring whether one would be able to quickly achieve
slow-wave sleep by practicing this, as well as seeing what the effects would
be on memory consolidation. At the very least, it should be mighty damn fun.
:->
} Hrm. Don't know how to view mail as text so this gem of instruction is
} going to fly past me. If it weren't in such surroundings of lush
} brain-fodder I wouldn't let it get away, but as things are...
Buck up, ye faint of heart! Now that I know that you are viewing this in
html format, I may be able to pull a nifty trick on my end to help you see
the link. The way you make a link is like so:
Text here
for example:
Kim's Mind-Blowingly Open Homepage
which should look like this:
Kim's Mind-Blowingly Open Homepage
Hmm... you know, the tag above might not work properly, so let me restate
everything again using a different trick. The way you make a link is like
so:
<A HREF="http://link.here.com/">Text here</A>
for example:
<A HREF="http://KimLumbard.com/">Kim's Mind-Blowingly Open Homepage</A>
which should look like this:
Kim's Mind-Blowingly Open Homepage
And if _that_ doesn't work, check out the top of this page:
http://uaweb.arizona.edu/resources/tutorial/html/hyperlink.shtml
I believe in the philosophy of the Little Prince: never, ever give up on a
question once you've asked it. ;-)
} That's the key. It looks like she's been publishing along this track
} since 1996, but I haven't yet tracked down the articles to read them.
} And being a firm believer in sleep, I'd like to see more good info
} published.
Hmmm... velly intellesting. I have a friend Esther Shao that is doing
cardio-pulmonary research into seratonin in platelets. Apparently, one of
the main clot-forming types of platelets contains seratonin, a
neurotransmitter implicated in clinical depression. In fact, cardiac
patients of all stages treated as if they had depression typically fare
better than the ones who are treated with the standard heart drugs. This is,
as far as I am aware, the first purely biochemical link between feeling good
and decreased risk of heart disease.
Anyway, it will probably turn out to be the case that science will completely
characterize what has been known in folklore for years: being happy and
getting enough rest are probably the best things we can do for our bodies.
(Okay, okay, okay. You're right. Hot sex and good lovin' have got to be in
there somewheres, too... ;-)
} Thanks! My slow evolution into geekdom continues.
Let's see whether we can cause some favorable mutations, shall we? >;->
} Wow. The implications of that decision, the process you must have gone
} through to reach it, are boggling. (boggling, blogging, teehee). The
} way that you phrase it it's like locking yourself in a prison with the
} world as your jailor. In practice it's also the most friendly and
} open, self-confidant and gregarious thing that I've seen in a long
} time. But what a way to get there.
Ahhh... I can see how it would seem like a prison. And it would be,
assuming that I wanted to get out of it. However, given that it is a
construct of my own fashioning I view it more like a "crystal constitution".
A crystal, because it is the crystallization of my will, because it is clear
and transparent to any who view it, because it is precious, and because it
reflects interesting things. A constitution, because like the Constitution
of the United States it provides checks and balances for something important,
because it is part of my walk through life, because it improves my fortitude
to do what I know to be right. In any event, excessive publicity is not
something I am trapped in against my will; rather, it is a reflection of my
will.
} Yup.
} Your points on the freedoms it allows you after years of practice look
} well-chewed. "Ho!" I hear them, the truth rings, and they speak my
} mind.
} I'll get to that - with relish - after finishing these piddly style and
} modality questions. After the intial whirl, I'm not feeling at all
} rushed in this conversation with you. This is delightful. I feel like
} there is room for all the tangents to branch and flower, if not today,
} then tomorrow or next week. There's an additional benefit to your
} public life - I'm pretty sure I could find you and write a mail at you.
} /sigh (yum)
A) There is indeed no rush except the kind we fabricate. Emergency is
illusion.
B) Now is the only time to act on that which is precious to us. Presence is
reality.
} Yes, and after some percolation (or is that turkey-chewing? My
} metaphors get all mixed) this is fine. I think the my word order was
} incorrect - I didn't mean having a idea that was purely you, I meant an
} image of you that was purely mine. And I'll never be able to have
} that. But that's okay. I'm getting to know someone from the inside
} out for once, starting with the insecurities and anxieties and thought
} processes and moral priorities - and only then proceeding to the
} observed behaviors. That's okay.
I'm glad that you are feeling more relaxed and okay with things now. You
seemed somewhat off balance in your prior message. ;-)
} My parents explicitly raised me to question things. I recall being
} told by my mother that if I ever felt too comfortable (I think she
} meant sedentary) in life, to make sure that I looked around and
} questioned things - am I unwittingly not seeing something? Is there a
} way that I can better strive to be good to those around me? Is there
} anything more I can be doing? The idea was simple and pervasive.
} Don't ever get comfortable. There will always be too many good fights
} out there waiting for you to take them up, so question your comforts.
} So the keywords are: don't be too comfy, and routinely question
} yourself.
A) Discomfort is a spur to growth.
B) Discontent is the root of unhappiness.
} It's a trust thing. Pure, animal vulnerability. I have danced through
} my life generally giving trust and creating intimacy very easily, face
} to face. To the point where sometimes people (starved for genuine
} honest behavior) assume that it implies some kind of committed bond or
} rare friendship - what weirdo would share this stuff with just anyone?
} So I have gotten in trouble with that, but you're talking about a whole
} new plane of The Public.
} Thing is, I haven't run across very many people that do that back to
} me. It's weird.
I guess it means we have a rare condition together. Much like the Bubonic
Plague and eating with your toes. 8^)
} I felt strange about examining your naked vomit because I felt it as an
} invitation to help you examine your life and that is typically
} something that people recieve only after establishing trust through
} normal friendship. The typical path is a crippled way to go about
} examining one's life, as it automatically weeds out views that are too
} different from one's own. That wins extra points for you.
} There's another thing - you have easily balanced a sense of distance
} and boundaries in with your honesty and intimacy. I want to examine
} that. You write about not letting people in; yet you have invited the
} world in. Huh?
Ahhh... well, I believe that one of the cruxes to Happiness is essentially a
Balancing Act. There is a great amount of wisdom out there, much of it
seemingly conflicting. My favorite example:
A) Look before you leap.
B) He who hesitates is lost.
The trick is to retain the essential elements of both of the seemingly
diametrically opposed viewpoints, or barring that be able to distinguish
which of the two is the more appropriate in any given situation.
So, for example:
A) Vulnerability is an essential ingredient to both love and openness. One
of the most wonderful things in the world is when we open ourselves up to
someone else and they make every effort to treat us with caring. Of course,
hurt always occurs because of the Brownian Motion of relationships, but it is
a special thing to have someone _try_. Moreover, there are few ways as fast
of giving someone access to your soul than to be completely vulnerable before
them, and few faster ways to change than to intermix two souls. So, since
love and oppenness are very important to me, vulnerability is a state I try
to cultivate.
B) Integrity is necessary ingredient to sanity and personal harmony. We need
to cohere ourselves into a identifiable mass, one that is stable and slowly
varying. Again, it is like the constitution of the United States: something
well conceived and capable of being changed but only with great effort, that
provides a uniform stability in highly variable times. So in this sense we
want to limit the access that people have in changing us, in order to
preserve the meaningful essence that is us and should not be easily altered
by random events. So, since personal integrity is very important to me,
distance is a primary method of regulating access.
Of course, the practical manifestation of these two particular qualities
(vulnerability and distance) are mostly mutually exclusive, i.e. it is
difficult to achieve both at the same time. So it seems odd to have the
ideas of both at the same time. However, suppose one had a selective control
over both (that I could "turn up" and "turn down" each of them as need be)
and that one was constantly doing so (in response to different people and
changing conditions). Then it might not seem like such a crazy
incompatability then. Rather than trying to maintain both at once, I choose
at each moment how much of each is appropriate to given situation. The
upshot: I get to retain the benefits of two seemingly contradictory stances.
Anyway, thanks for taking an interest and letting me ramble. This idea is
actually one of the central ones in my book: The Pursuit of Happiness. When
I was younger I called the idea the Integration of Polar Concepts; in college
I dubbed it Son of Yin-Yang; today, I call it the Balancing Act. ;-)
BTW, in your specific case, I would like to be as open as possible. I
already trust you, and I would like to let you into me as far as you are
comfortable. There's no rush; whenever that might be. 8^)
} Oh, there is always debt. Even if it's not one that can be easily or
} concretely paid, or as in this case, probably shouldn't be repaid to
} you but in my passing along the Wisdoms of Kim. Heehee.
Well, by all means let us keep the Great Wheel turning...
} Mutual, dear chap, exceedingly mutual.
You have no idea how happy that makes me, knowing that you also want to be
friends. :,-)
} Unfortunately I'm a visually oriented person. So phone conversations
} are really unsatisfying. Letters are a poor second to realtime, face
} to face, all night long, 'I was so absorbed I forgot to pee' kind of
} conversations.
Ahhh... I haven't had one of those in awhile. It's been almost two weeks!
} I plead 'unfamiliar modality interfering with normal responses!' I'm
} sorry it was all so repetitive.
A) Practice makes perfect. Repetition is our ally.
B) You only get one chance at life. Create at will.
} Actually, these days the memory means more to me about learning to set
} boundaries around what I will and won't let other people control in my
} life. Valerie and many other energy-sapping people were just spinning
} around in circles and not going anywhere productive and I spent too
} many years learning to diagnose that. (Not that I'd have changed my
} mind about that day, but it was one experience in many years of stupid,
} repetitive actions).
Ahah! So it seems that you have independently come to similar conclusions
about regulating the access that other people have to your mind and your
actions, setting boundaries as it were. Have you come across other instances
where some more distance would have been helpful?
} Like I said, the more I think about it, the more it blows my mind.
As you've probably already gleaned from my web-site, I believe that memories
are one of the most precious things that we have, and giving good ones to
others one of the most noble causes we can pursue. It seems like you were on
both the giving and receiving end at the same time!
} The very next sexual experience (less than a year later) I had falls
} right into that grey area between 'dumbass ignorant naive chick
} paralyzed by confusion and fear and can't figure out how to say no
} safely once she finally realizes what intentions are afoot' and date
} rape.
} I can only think of one component of my first actual act of intercourse
} that was even okay, let alone ideal. It was fairly physically gentle.
} But it was the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong guy, the wrong
} sense of fear and not being able to say anything.
} It's so difficult to sort out how I have been shaped by that.
} For some reason I feel like I have to own a lot of the responsability,
} maybe that's just my way of trying to squeeze out as much learning
} experience from it as possible?
How do you feel responsible?
} I was the young and eager person who went into this situation
} willingly. From my experience with Jon I assumed that of course it was
} okay to remove a little clothing, it didn't promise any later
} permissiveness. That was my naivete. It didn't occur to me that he
} would even consider going so far physically with me, when we weren't at
} the emotional stage that I considered necessary. I never dreamed he
} wouldn't stop to ask. I had had a very complete biological education
} from my parents but I was not raised to be suspicious of people's
} motives. And when I started to feel his closed emotional intensity,
} started to realize how little attention he was paying to me, I felt
} washed away in the wave of it and all I could think was to smile and
} not make trouble.
} I can't find the roots for that weakness. Why did I freeze up? And
} there are so many things in my current sexual persona that are an odd,
} hot and fragile mix of those two experiences. Or is that just who I
} would have been anyhow? /sigh.
It is definitely the case that our early experiences shape our personality
and our reactions, especially those highly charged ones like sex. (Trust me,
I can speak from personal experience on this one.) So your behavior in both
cases has become incorporated into who you are. However, that doesn't
determine who you are _in the future_ or who you choose to be _right now_.
Shaped, but not determined.
I would like to suggest an alternate interpretation of events that might be
helpful for you. The sexual impulse is a powerful biological force within
each one of us, one that is easily capable of overwhelming our faculties
whether we are in the heat of lust or not. Maybe your allowing the sex to
happen wasn't so much a sign of an intrinsic weakness as it was someone
inexperienced being momentarily overloaded and uncertain how to act. And
perhaps your partner was in the grip of equally compelling forces; that
doesn't excuse his actions, but it goes a long way to explaining them.
Of course, I certainly wasn't there, and I don't mean to diminish the
severity of your experience. Yet looking at the situation in a different
light allows the possibility of compassion and change. To illustrate, the
event happened and you can't alter it. But perhaps that's all it was:
something that happened, and not necessarily a revelation about an essential
character flaw, and not necessarily something that fixes the nature of the
rest of your sexual life.
In fact, I would propose that it is what you choose now after you have been
handed this less than savory experience that reveals who you truly are. If
you let it define you, then you become a person defined by their experiences.
If you grow from it in the direction that you feel is right, then you become
someone who can learn from their experiences instead of being limited by
them. And with practice and diligence, eventually you can become simply who
you choose to be, with every experience guiding you along that path.
How many other sexual experiences have you had? What were they like? If you
could change one thing about your current sexual persona, what would it be?
} I've twice been certified as a lifeguard, though never worked as one.
} My mother's family was raised with a love of sailing and two of my
} uncles on that side of my family make a living at it. So I don't even
} remember my first swimming or ocean experiences, they were always
} there. I love it. I love distance swimming as a kind of meditation, I
} love eeling about in snorkeling gear twenty feet under water to look at
} the reefs, I love the feel of water moving past me, I love the intense
} personal nature of having my ears stopped up and my breath controlled.
I, too, love water. I believe that I was probably a River Spirit in a
previous life or something. :-)
Say, do you know any good beaches around your area? I'm more familiar with
the NH coastline than the MA / CN / RI.
} Yes - one cat, rescued from the dairy farm that I was a milkmaid at one
} summer (we were Hell's Milkmaids). The last year that I was working at
"Hell's Milkmaids" gives new meaning to the phrase "being whipped". ;-P
} the hospital (6/01 to 8/02) I rented a basement room from a lady with
} three ancient cats that would not have survived the introduction of a
} reformed feral animal, so she has been living here in Acton without me.
} It's nice to be with her again. I am also very involved with the two
} dogs that live here and with the resident cat.
} I'm not living a settled enough life to be a dog-mommy. It's like
} having a kid - there are responsabilities. Someday I will have more of
} a menagerie.
}
} My mother has just realized a lifelong dream in purchasing a farm, so
} there a lots of new and exciting animal experiences in the offing!
Woohoo! Sounds like fun. Where is your mother's farm?
} Definately a "break out the smores" situation. I was living, that
} year, with my little brother and four other men. They were all college
} types and I was in my second year out, working at the hospital and
} totally excited about animal medicine. I had been in many ways a very
} 'good girl' and some of the parties they threw astounded me. Anyhow,
} we got about three and a half feet of snow and were snowed in for
} several days, which was fine as we all got along well, had a DVD player
} and DVDs, a fireplace to sit around and plenty of food to eat. On the
} third day, when they finally plowed the road past our house, we all
} came out to shovel out our long, hemicircular driveway. It took a
} while, even with six of us. The snow had to be put somewhere, and with
} the trees and buildings we wound up with a big pile in the middle of
} the inside edge of the arc of the driveway. Q started packing it down
} hard and adding more snow and then directed the excavation - so I guess
} it wasn't a conventional igloo, but it had a door and hallway and we
} got three of us inside at once - and I was the smallest person living
} in that house. The igloo lasted a few days.
Don't tell anyone this (because people are likely to think me crazy and lock
me up), but one of the other reasons that I moved back to the East Coast is
because I missed the snow. I've been living in the perma-sun of CA for over
a decade now, and I have an ache where the change of season used to be.
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas..."
} Nope. Recording art hasn't been my passion - just a year ago I
} realized that all the photographs of my life are of the times I was
} with someone with a camera, not of the important things. So I got my
} first camera. Which is a lot more fun than I thought it would be.
What is your passion?
} Caffeine!!! I have over the past three years continually ridden the
} edge of addiction. I won't let myself quite get dependant, but I push
} it. I abuse quantities of it and then deprive myself several days in a
} row. As far as the classic 'recreational drugs' the only other one
} I've tried was nitrous, once (and not from a whipped cream can, this
} was a whole little dispensing system with a balloon). And it was
} enjoyable but not worth the effort or expense to even start with the
} moral or health considerations.
You have an excellent taste in poisons. :-) Caffeine and sugar used to be
my weapons of choice before I became the pacifist you see before you now...
} Marijuana is something that just isn't all that exciting for me. I
} have tried it a number of times but still find it mechanically awkward
} and generally not worth it. Most users my age annoy me. Their
} attitudes annoy me, and that has been transferred to their slang and
} mannerisms.
Hmm... what is it about them that annoys you so?
} > "And when I turned the page,
} > I discovered I had entered
} > an entirely new chapter
} > of my life
} > with you."
} That's lovely! Please cite sources where possible?
Ahh... the source was a me moved to poetry because of knowing you.
However, that doesn't sound very official, so let me give you the entry from
the 2090 Encyclopedia Americana:
"a poem written by Kim Lumbard in his third e-mail to Whitney Salz, the
woman with whom he later..."
So if you could finish the entry, what would it say?
} Hrm. Eagerly anticipating your reply. And I'm going to have to start
} building up my own list of beautiful quotes.
It's always been a toss up for me between Mark Twain and Winston Churchill as
far as quotes go.
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all
doubt." - Mark Twain
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth gets a chance to put
its pants on." - Winston Churchill
I mean, how can you not love these guys? ;-)