2006.01/14 Environments Of Friends

EXCERPTED FROM MESSAGES TO MELISSA 

} Sunday works for me.  PF Chang's is okay, as long as we can find a quite
} place in the restaurant.  I'd like to be able to hear you without shouting :
} ).  Magnolia...  Burbank, right?

Yep.  Right in the heart of the beast.

} If anything changes, please give me a call, as I am not always able to
} check my email.  (I'm resisting the digital age to the best of my ability,
} you see)

Yes, I see that using a cell phone instead of e-mail is a sharp rejection of
modern technology.  ;-P

} If I don't hear from you, I'll see you at 7:00 in Burbank.

Righto.

} Do you have plans for later in the evening, or will you be free to spend
} the whole evening with me?  I remember being surprised and disappointed
} when I discovered that you were meeting friends at 9:30  (when we went to
} the Spaghetti Factory).  If you have plans for later in the evening, no
} problem.  I would just like to know in advance so that I know what to
} expect...

Hmmm...  did you know that you have a habit of not answering other people's
questions?  Consider this simple one about your middle name:

} Subject: What does the A. stand for?

as well as others that have been passed over just in these last few e-mails.

Does it seem fair to expect that someone else will answer a question
important to you when you ignore most of their questions, even the simple
ones?  Do you prefer reciprocity in your friendships, or getting what you
want?

Btw, I'm not expecting an answer to these questions in e-mail... the same way
you shouldn't expect an answer to yours.  ;-P

[An offended phone message in here somewheres]

} A=anne
}
} I thought that I answered this a long time ago, as i recall you sending me
} this email last year  ( I think).

Hmmm... entirely possible, but both my memory and my e-mail archive seem to
remember things differently.  Are you sure you aren't mistaking me for my
evil-and-even-more-inquisitive twin brother?  :-)

} If I didn't respond to your emails (in the past) and you've felt that I've
} been slighting you, I completely apologize.

Your apology for this is appreciated by unnecessary, since I rarely feel
slighted.  I don't take things personally...  it simplifies my life
considerably.  ;-)

} I don't know how to interpret your email... Okay the little smilie face
} seems to indicate humor; however, if a subtle jab is implied (regarding my
} neglect of issue/questions important to you), I apologize and request that
} you let me know if I am making you feel neglected and/or you feel I am not
} approaching our friendship in a fair and respectful way.

Heh, there is a third option besides my a) harboring neglect and resentment
and b) passively aggressively attacking you, which is c) trying to help you
out.  :-O

Do you recall the conversation where we talked about friendship, and how you
felt that I knew a lot of techniques for being a good friend?  You mentioned
that there was a lot you still wanted to learn, and then you asked me to
bring to your attention anything that I thought might be helpful for you.
Reciprocity is a cornerstone concept, and I was trying to introduce it into
conversation.  It was also an amusingly ironic way to dodge your question.
:-)

So, in a cosmic way, "you asked for it".  ;-O

} I noticed that you sent this to me at 3:30 a.m; so, I elected to call you
} at 4:15 a.m.  My apologies about any inconvenience or rudeness conveyed.

I've been doing droves of server work for a client in NY the last week or
so.  No worries about the time.

} Regarding this exchange, I definitely have some issues around friendships
} being truly reciprocal AND I have been working on this very issue.  Your
} email truly hit a nerve here, as I thought I had been improving in this area.
} Sorry for responding so strongly and emotionally.  Your (I think) joking
} email probably does not warrant this type of response.

Yep.  Actually, out of everything, this is the part that is the most
deserving of an apology (already duly delivered via your voice message).
Friends don't inflict reactive drama on each other; it's especially bad taste
to do it when a friend is trying to help you out with your important issues.

} I have been working with a few friends to be honest & forthcoming in our
} communication and to convey feelings in the moment (versus days later when
} resentment builds). In light of this, your email felt  a bit like a slap in
} the face.

Hmmm... I can see where you are coming from.  Heh, you might want to consider
a more productive response than flipping out.  ;-P

On the positive side, it looks like you calmed down and came to your senses
in less than a couple hours.  That's actually a big step from the span of
days.  The trick is to continue narrowing it until it reaches minutes, mere
seconds if you can.  Then you have time to choose alternate behaviors before
you work yourself into a frenzy.

} More involved than this (of course); but, I would prefer to talk about this
} in person.   (Maybe) : )

Actually, this is a topic that's been on my mind recently: namely, the effect
of our friends on our own behavior.  The old adage is: "Show me a man's
friends, and I'll tell you who that man is."  But in our modern times we
often think of ourselves as being independent entities, free to make our own
decisions regardless of our environment.  We decide who we are, not our
friends, right?

I'd like to propose another way of looking at the world, where our
environment of friends not only influences our outlook but also how we feel.
Consider for a moment that the world is split into two types of people:
  1) People focused on getting what they want
  2) People focused on other people's wants

The people who live in world #1 have the mindset of short-term competition.
Other people want what they want, so they have to fight to "get theirs" now.
This goes hand in hand with an attitude of scarcity: not everyone can get
what they want, so they're damn well going to make sure they're one of the
winners.  Quite often they are concerned about power, control, and social
one-up-manship.  They _tell_ people what they want.

The people who live in world #2 are characterized by long-term reciprocity.
If you scratch my back today, I'll scratch yours tomorrow.  They frequently
subscribe to a philosophy of abundance via delayed gratification: we can all
get what we want (though we may have to wait our turn).  Traits held as
exemplary in this world include generosity, empathy, and kindness.  They
_ask_ for what they want.

Right off the bat, we have to be careful about making value judgments about
either world.  It turns out that both views are equally valid, and actually
some simple evolutionary equilibrium arguments can show that both must exist
in a steady state.  What I'd like to point out is: what happens when a person
#1 stumbles into world #2 and vice versa?

Consider the case of a person #1 surrounded by friends who believe in
philosophy #2.  The person would be seen as selfish, self-serving,
insensitive, and demanding.  The very traits that make them successful in
world #1 would make them miserable in world #2.  Moreover, they would have a
hard time grokking it... after all, isn't it only suckers who give people
what they want when they ask for it?

Take the specific case of Sunday night.  In world #1, you need to protect
your interests.  You need to know what my plans are, so you can maximize
getting what you want (meeting another friend afterwards).  It's okay if I
have plans (am focused on what I want) but I need to _tell_ you in advance.
The idea of *gasp* _asking_ me to spend Sunday night with you is unthinkable
in this world.  It seems weak (power), leaves your plans unresolved
(control), and puts you in the position of supplicant (one-up-manship).

Now consider the perspective from world #2.  Asking is the optimal tactic,
since it clearly states your desire so that the other person can fulfill it
(not grant).  Allowing someone else to give you what you want (instead of
taking it) enables them to feel kind and generous; it also establishes the
expectation that you'll do something they ask for (reciprocity).  [Oh, and
most men consider a woman asking them to spend the night with them to be
pretty hot, too.  So you've got the horn-dog effect in your favor in either
world.  >;-]

Anyhoo, my question wasn't a criticism.  I'm actually asking: "Do you prefer
reciprocity in your friendships, or getting what you want?"  Stated
differently, do you want to live in world #2 or world #1?  Remember, both
choices are equally valid: there's no "right" or "wrong" answer.

However, there are choices that will cause you grief.  Choosing one world and
then surrounding yourself with friends from the other is a recipe for
constant friction and disappointment.  If you decide to live in world #1, you
should be aware that people #2 will have little incentive to be nice to you.
On the other hand, if you want world #2, then people #1 are going to try to
take advantage of you.  You'd be better off choosing a world and then
creating an environment of friends that matched it.

} Still looking forward to seeing you on Sunday.

Same here.

} Wow... I'm fucking sensitive.  Ouch.

Yep.  Crazy-psycho-sensitive sometimes.  ;-)

} If I don't hear from you, I'll assume we're on for 7:00 on Sunday.  I'll be
} on time  (working on that too!)  :)

See you soon!