2006.01/30 Seduction Of Kim

I am seriously considering allowing deliberate sexual relationships to enter
my life.  It would be the first time I have separated sex from love, and I am
hesitant to experiment with this.  My spirit says one thing, my biology
another, and it has become difficult to discern the true me. 

THE PRECIS

Let me begin by clarifying what type of arrangement I am thinking about.
It's basically "friend with benefits", and not "sleeping around".  I have a
lot of female friends, many of them single, and several of them have made
their sexual availability to me clear.  More to the point, they have stated a
preference for a no-strings-attached, let's have fun, this won't lead
anywhere else relationship.  So I am considering taking one of these 
attractive women up on their offer, passing the time enjoyably until I meet a
lady that I would be more compatible with long-term.

Several of my friends have advocated this approach, and I have seen it work
successfully many times (where "success" means both partners had fun, went on 
to find spouses, the casual relationship didn't negatively impact anyone, and
everyone is still friendly if not friends).  So I am not concerned about the
execution.  Heh, I'm certain several readers are asking themselves  "You're
conflicted over whether to sleep with desirable women that want you?  Just
what *are* you worried about, Puritan-boy?"  :-)

My big concern is that this would be a conscious separation of love and sex
for me.  I've only slept with women that I loved (or was in the middle of
falling in love with).  The two main "close calls" are revealing.  One was
Marcy, where I explicitly advertised a sexual intent to fulfill her sexual
desperation.  That situation ended badly, to say the least.  The second was
Myfanwy, where I was so attracted to her that I pursued her ungraciously.
She and I are still friends, but in retrospect I wish that I had behaved
differently.  I didn't have sex with Marcy or Myfanwy, but there was a lot of
nakedness and desire involved.  In fact, in both cases, it was a fortunate
happenstance that held up more serious festivities.

There are common threads that run through both examples.  First and foremost,
I regret having been in both of them, and for me regret is a strong indicator
of the necessity of personal change.  It is natural to feel regret over bad
events, mistakes, and missed opportunities.  I do not, because all of these
are extrinsic factors, i.e. they are not a function of my intrinsic
character.  I did not like who I "was" in either case.  With Marcy, I placed 
getting off above being decent; with Myfanwy, I made the end more important
than the means.

An important question to ask is: does it necessarily follow that engaging in
deliberate sex will lead to me not liking myself?  I do not believe so.
Marcy was in a turmoil over her own sexual appetite; I would be careful to
choose a more mature, composed partner.  It was my own overwhelming
attraction to Myfanwy that caused problems there; in a way, the distance
inherent in an explicit sexual relationship would prevent that from
happening.  Moreover, after having been short-circuited twice now (with
Colleen and Myfanwy), I've placed sturdy safeguards against becoming
imbalanced.  This is yet another way in which I have changed my romantic
ideal to a more realistic one (a big topic for another time).

I feel like I should insert a blurb in here on comparative morality.  I don't
think there is anything wrong with deliberate sex, or with people who choose
that lifestyle.  Heck, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with
casual, indiscriminate consensual sex if that's what a person wants.  I think
the trick in life is harmony: bringing our actions, character, desires, et al
into synergy so that our needs are naturally fulfilled and our happiness
provided for.  That's why "Know Thyself" is so important: it's hard to choose
the best lifestyle when our real nature is unknown.  So I'm more concerned
with whether a person's choices match their nature, not whether those choices
are socially "acceptable".

So, what is my nature?  What do I really want?  Herein lies the crux of my
dilemma.  I made the decision to entwine love and sex (and trust) a long time
ago, and I'm quite happy with the results.  When I'm in a intimate, love
relationship it means that I can bring substantial passion to bear in an
enduring, sustainable way.  So my soul tells me: stick with your choice, stay
true to your vision, don't break up the trinity (love, sex, trust) just for
the temporary pleasures of the flesh.

My body is shouting a completely different message... with an alarming
intensity and effectiveness.  As funny as that line could be, I actually mean
it completely seriously.  There have been a number of recent changes in my
biology, and they have given rise to new complications in my life.  My body
has a procreative agenda all its own, which it is vigorously pursuing
subconsciously.  In fact, the main reason why I am considering deliberate sex
is to defuse a growing attraction of the opposite sex.

Say what?

In order to explain this, we'll need to back up and place the recent changes
within the context of larger gender trends...  so let's digress for a moment
to talk about how much of a girly-man I am, and then we can return to my hot,
horny body.  ;-)

GENDER INTEGRATION

Since the Genesis Event, I have manifested a number of classically female
traits.  In fact, I believe no small part of my overall success in life has
been the complementary merger of masculine and feminine qualities: I have
both anima and animus at my disposal.  Whether my sharp, early rejection of
the path of aggression triggered the female qualities or simply allowed them
to come to the fore I do not know, but it is definitely the case that they
have expressed themselves strongly within me.

Here's a smattering of the female traits I have:

* Ability to parallel process, especially verbal combined with anything else
* Strong verbal expression, including emotive and personal content
* Smooth emotional processing and attunement to emotion
* High empathy, both compassion and intuition
* Retentive memory, both factual and emotive
* Facility in social situations, rapid connection with others
* Romantic ideals and creative urges
* Careful selection of sexual partners, especially for monogamy
* Desire for more than sex from an intimate relationship
* High standards, in particular with regard to mates

This latter part is, without doubt, the biggest point of contention my
friends have with my approach toward relationships.  Many feel that, as a
male, I should adopt male strategies: i.e. lower my standards until I net the
best babe I can on the "open market".  Some have even suggested that I should 
embrace being male: screw everything that moves and hope for the best.  :-O
Needless to say, I will never adopt indiscriminate strategies, precisely
because of their scattershot effectiveness.

For shits and giggles, let's list some of my male traits, as well:

* Strong personality force, bordering on dominant behavior
* Violent emotion (like anger) and the predisposition toward violence
* High self-confidence, assumption of competence
* Ambition to succeed, tenacity to overcome obstacles
* Entrenched heterosexual orientation
* Intense curiosity coupled with a disregard for personal safety
* Risk-seeking, adventurousness, and experimental tendencies

My current model is that all traits exist within everyone to varying
degrees.  In many cases the masculine and feminine traits form dualities:
only one expresses itself at any given time, and sexual situations forms a
distinct marker.  So, for example, a man might be dominant in public but
submissive in private; a woman might be risk-averse in general but
risk-seeking in bed.  These traits can shift on the timescale of minutes
depending on environmental influences and hormonal changes, but their
long-term expression is ultimately modulated by genetics.

So what happens when our hormonal cocktail shifts permanently? 

ENVIRONMENTAL SHAPING

A few years ago (aged 30-32ish), I got hit with a double whammy.  My female
biological clock turned on, and soon after, my male spawning instinct turned
on.  I melted at the sight of children, and I wanted to settle down, NOW!
Must have Kids!  At the same time, my body was exuding sexual charisma, and I
got more random hard-ons than I've ever had.  At the time of this writing, it
has been over four years since I've had a girlfriend, and I am a commitment
and sex bomb waiting to explode.  %^)

Moreover, my body is unconsciously broadcasting this to every woman I
encounter nowadays, and it has significantly altered my social and sexual
environment.  When I was growing up, I was well-respected by my peers, but
not popular in a social sense.  I had one serious teenage relationship and
being approached by girls just didn't happen.  After Caltech, I was a
"catch", and women became more forward.  After Silicon Valley, I've been 
propositioned occasionally, and graciously accepted it as the reality of
being an eligible bachelor.

Since I've been doubly "turned on", I now live in a surreal state that would
make Kevorka proud.  In the last two weeks alone, I've been propositioned
three times.  I'll be standing in a parking lot, and a girl will meow at me.
Ladies are feeling me up as they stand next to me in the supermarket.  Women
want to have phone sex with me, casual sex, deliberate sex, freaky circus
sex, any sex they can.  In fact, the reason why I'm writing this is because
just yesterday I was at Borders and a young girl asked me to "hook up" after
chatting with me for ten minutes.  Moreover, she was clearly the demure type
and confused by her own behavior, unable to fathom the biological siren song
that my body is chanting.

Stop and reconsider before you think that mine is a good problem to have.  I
don't want to unconsciously influence women like this, and I don't want this
confounding my ability to genuinely connect.  I liked my life a whole lot
better when girls didn't pay too much attention to me one way or the other.
In fact, I have gained a great sympathy for very attractive women in the last
few years.  I never realized the extent of the intrusive sexuality in which
they must daily deal.  In a way, their situation is much worse than mine,
since they have the additional worries of coercion and suspicion to contend
with.  My current environment is discomforting; theirs must be border on
unbearable at times.

But in addition, lets consider the impact that environment has on shaping our
selves.  I distinctly recall the plight of girls attending Caltech when the
male to female ratio was 7:1.  They were deluged by boys wanting their
attention, many glomming onto them night and day.  In that crucible, the
girls responded in a wide variety of ways.  Some became sluts, others became
manipulators, still others got a boyfriend as a protective shield.  The
environment shaped them as much as they acted on it, and only a rare few
avoided being molded by it... those few that could find a way of escaping the
environment itself.

Coming back to the original question, this is the most compelling argument I
have for engaging in deliberate sex.  I believe that it will dampen the
biological indicators my body is giving off by providing a sexual "lightning 
rod" to ground my pent-up sexuality.  God forbid if it actually increases
my sex appeal.  I might have to consider selectively cloistering myself,
which would be a big constraint given my social nature.

THE REAL ME?

Let me end with an insidious question: where does our true self arise from?  
I'm a secular man, so I'm going to immediately rule out divine souls and what
not.  That leaves that our sense of self is an outgrowth of biology,
experience, and conscious choice.  How tightly are they intertwined?

For example, how much of my philosophy of sexual selectivity et al comes
directly from the female traits that I manifested early on in life?  I
believe the majority of it did.  There are some parts that I've chosen
cognitively for rational reasons, but the bulk was determined by my
biological traits, later reinforced by positive experiences I had after
adopting it.  So aspects of my spirit can flow directly from my biology.

But the reverse is also true.  I am an angry, violent man by nature... and a
peaceful, kind one by choice.  I have mapped vistas of rational choice:
constructing low-level behavioral patterns that completely supplant
instinctive tendencies to discovering ways to harness my biological
proclivities for my own ends.  My bringing my fount of anger into harmony
with my choice of person is a clear example of how biology can follow our
soul.

So here's a thought experiment: suppose that a whole host of genes switched
expression in me, and suddenly the feminine traits were eclipsed by
completely masculine traits.  In particular, my innate desire for selective
monogamy changed overnight to a need for indiscriminate promiscuity.  What
would be the best course of action then to bring things back into harmony?  
Do I retain my original stance... ideals formed when I was a different person,
and that would be out of whack with the "new me"?  Do I become a male
horn-dog, changing my beliefs and lifestyle to correspond to my new
biological reality?  This thought experiment raises serious questions about 
the causal connection between morality and biology.

What would your answer be?  What would you recommend that I do in that
situation?  Heh, for that matter, what do you recommend I do in my current
one?  ;-)