2006.02/26 Innocence

Well, let me begin by thanking everyone who responded to my recent "Seduction
of Kim" post.  Little did I know that I would be striking such a major chord 
with such a minor essay.  Droves of people gave me their views, most of them
old friends but several new acquaintances also offered advice.

I got a lot of good feedback from everyone; a couple pieces of clarity stand 
out.  First, in addition to my trinity of love, sex, and trust I've also
wrapped up long-term commitment in there.  So more specifically it wouldn't
be a separation of love and sex (since I would likely be affectionate with my 
lover) but rather of commitment and the trinity (that I would be loving,
having sex with, and trusting someone that I had no intention of being with
long term).  This was a revealing insight, since it never even occurred to me 
to separate love and commitment in this way before; when I love someone, I
intend to be with them forever.  But after giving it some thought I realized
that many people engage in seasonal loves, that have a known beginning and
ending in advance.  (I considered renaming my trinity into a "quaternity",
but in all honesty, it just doesn't sound as sexy.  ;-)

The second piece of clarity was asking what I actually needed a wife for,
from a functional perspective.  What is it that I would receive from that
relationship that I couldn't get elsewhere?  I have lots of friends, and am
blessed with much affection.  Several female friends would be delighted to
have great sex with me.  I am stimulated by all manner of conversations from
people close to me.  And many of my friends will also been my lifelong
companions.  (Heh, actually, several people think that Sonny and I have
already been "married" for years.  ;-)  After boiling it down, it looks like
the indispensable thing I need a wife for is as a mate: someone to have
children and raise a family with.  Of course I want more than that... but
that's the minimum I need.  This raises an even deeper question as to whether
I even have to get married in this day and age to do that: I've already sired
several children as a sperm donor, and I could easily raise a family out of 
wedlock.

Anyway, readers brought all manner of insightful things to my attention with
regard to the question of whether I should allow deliberate sex to enter my
life.  After considering the views, understanding their meaning, and applying
it to my own life, the overwhelming response seems to be: "Don't do it!"  :-)
The reasons were all over the map: some felt it would be like giving up,
others thought true love was worth waiting for, and a few felt my purity was
worth preserving.  But the consensus was clear: nearly everyone thought that
it would be okay to do, but that I personally shouldn't do it.  This was
particularly interesting since some of the people who advised against it now
had recommended it previously!  ;-P

I've been thinking quite a bit about that latter part recently, namely
preserving purity.  I remember years ago when I was having difficulties with
my good friend Andy's fiancee Arianne.  She believed that I thought poorly of
her, and nothing seemed to dissuade her conviction.  Andy sat us both down
and he told her, "Arianne, Kim has no malice in his heart for anyone.  He
doesn't think ill of people, because that would waste the time he could
otherwise be doing good for them.  That's just the way he is, and it's really 
important to me that you accept him."  I was touched by both the sentiment
and the loyalty...  and in retrospect, I am also grateful for the piercing
insight.

I _do_ want to be good to people.  I _don't_ want to hurt them.  After
mulling it over (I'll spare you the details, which included an oft-delayed
south american journey, a profession of matrimonial readiness to a girl
almost half my age, a grueling hike up Mount Corcovado to find redemption,
and dodging sex-ready women about once a day) I've concluded that my own
_innocence_ is important and worth protecting.

Now, the word innocence (like the word love) has lots of connotations.
Here's some flavors that I specifically don't mean: 
 *) Naive: being gullible and / or easily misled
 *) Inexperienced: lacking cosmopolitan depth and understanding
And here's something close to the innocence I want to foster:
 *) Genuine: behaving naturally and without guile
 *) Blameless: acting without sinful or hidden motive
 *) Forthright: being open and honest
 *) Pure: unsullied by lurid exposure
 *) Harmless: intending to help, never to hurt

There's another aspect to innocence that is rarely defined as such but that I 
want to cultivate: wanting to not exploit others.  That's a stronger
statement than "not wanting" to exploit others (which is the absence of 
intent), i.e. I want to actively not take advantage of others.  That
resonates very strongly with the Caltech Honor System (Do not take unfair
advantage of others), a precept for which I have great respect and I have
seen in action.

When it comes right down to it, I feel like engaging in deliberate sex would
be trading away my precious innocence for some temporal convenience.  Suppose
I met the woman I want to marry, and I'm currently sleeping with a sex
buddy.  I feel like omitting that wouldn't be honest or genuine... and I also
don't want to start off the conversation with the woman I want to be with for
the rest of my life with "You're really great; give me a minute to make a
phone call to disentangle myself from this lady I'm nailing but I'm not
committed to."  :-O

There's a truly elegant upshot to all this, by the way.  If you recall, the
primary motivation for considering deliberate sex was to shield myself from
the increasing sexual miasma I find myself in.  I'm beginning to believe that
reconnecting with my innocence might be an alternate way to accomplish the
same end.  It may be possible to "turn off" some of the sexual signals my
body is emitting by "turning on" some aspects of my youthful innocence.  At
the very least, I think I can dilute some of the initial attraction, which
seems to be the key area that's causing me difficulty.

Thanks again to everyone for all your support!  I'll let you know how
"Project Innocence" goes...  ;-)