2007.03/25 Great Estrogen Experiment
Howdy all!
Let's kick off another year with an involved essay on my inner sexuality.
This one will be about: how I'm going to avoid becoming an unfeeling bastard
like my father by striving to be more girly again... via deliberately eating
myself silly until I'm fat and happy. :-)
BIOLOGY IS FATHER TO THE MAN
I think it's safe to say that a large part of my life has been devoted to
avoiding the same pitfalls that my father fell into. When I was very young,
I believed I was going to inevitably inherit my father's hurtful vices:
anger, violence, and cruelty. And thus my younger self took herculean
precautions to prevent this, mainly predicated on self-limitation. As a
child, I was a binder of demons.
When I was a young man, I had a life-changing revelation that I wasn't my
father and wasn't going to become him. I had learned to channel my anger so
well people were amazed when I told them I was an angry person by nature. So
I released myself from my self-imposed constraints, and started creating a
life based on positive striving instead of negative avoidance. As a young
man, I was a liberator of angels.
That's how things stood for awhile, me happily puttering along no longer
afraid of being Angry Dad Jr. Over the last several years, though, I've
discovered the story of my struggle with paternity is far from over. Sadly,
sons _do_ bear the sins of the father... in my case, in the form of genetic
predispositions.
Consider, for a moment, that who we are is constantly being shaped by several
forces:
Biology --> Less Influence
Environment --> |
Emotions --> Identity Choice Scale
Sociality --> |
Consciousness --> More Influence
Some factors we have a lot of influence over, others much less so.
I have made the naive mistake of assuming that my biology was going to remain
static over my lifetime. The last decade has put the lie to that: slowly but
surely, my nature is shifting underneath me, introducing an entirely new
class of problems. Imagine my shock when I grasped that many of these
changes... are the same ones that shaped my father when he was my age.
A DANGEROUS UNFEELING DESCENT
The pedastal of violence is supported by three sturdy pillars: high
objectification, consequential exclusion, and fluid provocation. Normal
people shun violence because they can feel other people's pain, including
pain they themselves have caused. Violent people make others into objects...
things with inconsequential feelings, or worse, things that don't feel at
all. The average person avoids disturbances because of the consequential
fallout, whether social, consciential, or authoritarian. Violent people
believe they can evade consequences, usually through perceived immunity
(justified or not). Lastly, the average person has discrete states of
"angry volatility" and "business as usual"; explosive outbursts usually
follow a breaking point. Violent people are readily provoked, can easily
switch between manic and restful states, and react extremely to certain
stimuli.
Historically, I've been highly empathic. Making people into objects hasn't
been a real concern; if anything, I've been hyper-sensitive to emotional
states. Thus, I focused my efforts into the other two areas: making an
excessively public life with consequence, and re-architecting my provocation
toward productive ends, for example. Starting around the change of the
millenium, my ability to feel other people's emotions has been steadily
degrading.
I can point clearly to when the change started. In late 2000 I went to India
with my girlfriend Nan and nearly died from getting amoebic dysentery.
Things had been going well with Nan, so well that she had periodic bouts of
insecurity over whether we should be together. Prior to our trip, when she
had her panic attacks, I felt how her fear actually stemmed from the
intensity of her love, and guided her back to being together. After my near
death experience, she had another attack of insecurity... and what I felt was
annoyance. Were we going to have to go through this over and over for the
rest of our lives? I didn't want that, so I broke up with her. What I know
now that I didn't know then was that _I couldn't feel what she was feeling_.
And barring that, the primacy of the emotions her distress provoked in me
took the fore... instead of the emotions that were causing her distress.
Soon after, I started noticing my emotional "vision" was impaired. I could
no longer synchronize my body to other people's bodies, which was one of the
cornerstones of my prior empathy. At the time, I thought it was a one-shot
event: I got sick, and I lost a sense. So I took steps to compensate for
the loss of synchronicity. I now realize in hindsight that this was merely
the first salvo on the war my changing body has declared on my emotions. One
by one, I've been losing empathic senses... as well as a range of emotions.
This loss of emotive processing has had a serious impact on my personal life.
I'll spare you the litany of effects, and highlight just a couple situations.
I have a friend, Dee, that found me a contracting job around 2002. There was
a period when I was avoiding the client, and Dee took the fallout from it.
She was literally in distress over being caught in the middle _and I couldn't
feel it_. The client was frantic over my disappearance _and it didn't phase
me_. I handled that entire situation badly from beginning to end... all due
to a lack of empathy.
Over the last few year I have been forcibly shown just how pervasive the loss
of empathy can be. We rely on it for far more than just "sensing emotions".
I had a friend, Vanessa, who is a very private person; she once showed me a
lot of trust by sharing some private things about her life. I revealed some
of those things without thinking about it, and it caused her a great deal of
pain. Then, a few months later, I made the same mistake, but on a worse
scale... a friendship-destroying one. I can't begin to describe the
spiritual horror I'm in over that betrayal: I breeched faith. I made a
mistake twice. I hurt someone. Compounded on top of that, I _can't sense my
word_ any more. My personal honor was built on top of my emotions, and now
that my empathy is going to hell, my word isn't inviolate any more. I'm
being shaped into someone I don't want to be... someone a lot like my
father.
I've often tried to reconstruct what was going on inside my dad, so that I
could create counter-strategies. Most of what I know about him dovetails
nicely... except descriptions of his youth have never jibed. He was always
described as "kind and sensitive" by others, and he told me many times that
he "was just like me" in that respect. I discounted it at the time, since it
was in such stark contradiction to his cruelty. Well... what if it were
true? What if we shared a common genetic base that is unfolding in the same
way? Empathic in youth, turned off age 30, increased sexuality soon after.
A number of previously unconnected outliers (his adultery, second marriage,
and child molestation) then fall into place. Even more sobering, my biology
is shaping me in the same way: I am forced to accept that I am now capable of
doing hurtful things. I don't want to hurt anyone... but I am staring the
capability to do so right in the god-damned empathic-less face.
My world was once vividly drawn with emotions and bursting with empathic
melodies. Now, I am nearly blind and deaf... and descending into my oldest
fear: becoming my father.
BLACK HOLE
Once I realized what was going on, I decided to take some time off from the
world and put myself back in order. What actually happened was a continuing
devolution, sliding deeper and deeper into a very dangerous state. Once
again, let me give you the overview of the trends:
Degrading Memory: Having moments of not being able to recall a word I know
I know. Having to get information about something twice. Asking people the
same questions twice... not casual questions either, but very specific
questions with highly personal answers. Seems innocuous, right? Prior to
2002, I had never done any of these, and they mark a major departure from a
previous ironclad recall.
Loss of Verbality: Not wanting to talk to anybody and convey feelings.
Diminished internal dialogue. Lack of desire to be social. A lot of what
I'm describing are internal shifts that are mostly below the radar... but
these changes have been noticed by numerous friends. I've gotten everything
ranging from "This just isn't like you" to "Where the hell have you been?" I
used to weave a story from my life... and now events seemed random and
without meaning.
Increased Sexual Heat with Decreased Passionate Libido: This one is a
killer. I've already described my surreal increase of sexual attractiveness.
At the same time, I've been losing motivation to act and grow. My emotions
reached a low energy rest state. My body is programming me quite simply to
screw everything in sight and not give a damn about anything else.
That's where I was about a month ago:
Blind
Deaf
Mute
... Stagnant
AND NOW, A MOMENT OF ROCKY BALBOA ZEN
In the movie "Rocky Balboa" Sly has a number of good speeches. One of them
is with his son, who is blaming him for overshadowing his life. Here's
Rocky's response:
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine
and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to
your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or
nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's
about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can
take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you
know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you
gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you
ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that
and that ain't you. You're better than that!" -- Rocky Balboa
When I first heard that speech, my insides wrenched as something deep within
me resonated with Rocky's words. During my liberation phase I released
myself from all of my constraining covenants, but I kept two positive ones
around because I still believed in them. These form the crux of my core
self:
"I vow to fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance
run." -- Incarnation 1
"I vow to grow in perpetual motion." -- Incarnation 6
I played that speech over four times in a row... and each time, more me's
came bubbling up from the past, reminding me of who I have chosen to be:
"Perhaps integrity isn't like virginity. It isn't something that you have
once and then can never regain. Perhaps it was something renewable,
reachievable." -- Incarnation 17
... I can regain my word, rebuild my honor
"I have learned over the years to redirect my anger in constructive ways;
my passions and willpower and dedication all stem from strong emotions."
-- Incarnation 14
... I have triumped over my biology before, I can do so again
"Do Something or Do Nothing
Do Something Important or Do Something Trivial
Do Something Important or Do Something Important" -- Incarnation 21
... I already know how to solve problems, this one included
"We spend most of our time overcoming obstacles to achieve our goals,
living is an invigorating challenge, and we choose our own orderly
purpose." -- Angel of Death
... I am the captain of my own destiny, and I embrace the challenge
People face problems in their life all the time: living is struggle. So I've
become an insensitive jerk... fine, accept the reality. I've never blamed
myself for being angry by nature, and I shouldn't blame myself for losing my
empathy. The question that matters is: what do I do about it now? How do I
compensate so that I can still behave as a compassionate person? Is it
possible to regain my lost emotional senses? If so, how do I do so?
ESTROGEN IS MOTHER TO THE KIM
Now that I've started focusing on the solution instead of the problems, I've
made a number of strides. Fortunately, I have a ton of internal self-
modification strategies lying around, and I've already rerouted things to
compensate for my lack of emotions. The empathy problem is more involved
because it has so many pieces, but I've cracked half of them, and am working
on the other half. And most importantly, I've found a good lead on possibly
regaining my natural empathy: namely, increasing my estrogen levels.
Estrogen? That's right, the girly hormones. ;-) Okay, more precisely, I
mean the full suite of estrogens. The word "estrogen" refers to one of
several "estrogens", which are hormones typically related to female behavior
but are important for the sexual function of both genders. So I really mean
"estrogens", but the Great Estrogens Experiment of 2007 doesn't sounds as
nifty. :-P Let's take a look at some of the things estrogens are involved
in (in particular estrogen, estradiol, and progesterone):
Libido - Libido in this context means "desire" and "appetite", in addition
to just the sexual connotation. What we want, feel, and are moved by
Depression - Estrogens imbalance impairs motivation, causing stagnancy
Changing sleep patterns - Fluctuating levels of estrogens cause sleep
disorders
Memory - Lack of estrogens impairs memory
Cravings - Estrogens play hob with blood sugar levels, causing cravings
(often for sugar or carbs)
Sperm production - Estrogens balance in men is crucial to sperm production
Cell oxygen levels - Estrogens function like anti-oxidants in mitochondrial
reactive oxygen species
Now let's toss on an assortment of heretofore "unrelated" factoids:
I had a variety of sleep disorders as a child, but sleep reasonably normally
now. I'm most psychologically active when my sleep cycle is most erratic.
My memory has been outta control good up until recent years.
I was a candaholic when I was younger: I couldn't get enough candy, and once
blooded, would eat sugar ravenously.
My sperm levels in college were two sigmas above the male average, to the
great delight of the place I donated sperm to. ;-)
When I got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), the only thing I found that
reversed it was OPC-85, a proanthocyanidin flavonoid anti-oxidant
Other anti-oxidants, in particular most of the common polyphenols, do jack
for my CFS
Some (iso)flavonoids are phyto-estrogens, i.e. they mimic the effects of
estrogens. OPC-85 is a phyto-estrogen, as are several soy isoflavones.
The other anti-oxidants I tried are not phyto-estrogens.
Legumes are a rich source of dietary phyto-estrogens. I used to love peas
and beans as a kid, but rarely eat them now.
Dietary fats and cholesterols are essential to sex hormone production (both
androgens and estrogens)
My raw cholesterol intake has been almost nil since I was on the Atkins
Diet.
Adipose cells (body fat) are the primary producer of estrogens in males.
I was a porker when I was a kid, and slim since college.
Faced with the gestalt, I have formed an amazing hypothesis. I think that
my feminine qualities as a youth (including emotional facility) were a result
of an abnormally high amount of hormonal estrogens. These levels were
supported by my body fat and diet (as well as genetic proclivity, certainly).
Since college I've been inadvertently cutting off my estrogen supply, and my
body responded catastrophically with CFS in 1997. OPC-85 allowed me to
regain my energy, but the other hormonal functions continued to degrade.
My near death experience in India was the catalyst that kicked my body into a
different regime. (There are numerous examples of the hysteresis of
recovery, btw, and systemic regimes after major illness or injury.) In
particular, I believe estrogens are no longer being produced or processed in
enough quantity to sustain my emotional processing. I can immediately start
on the former (making more estrogens) and I have some ideas on jump-starting
the latter.
Every good hypothesis needs confirmational predictions. Here's a few of
mine. I think that estrogens are implicated in a much wider range of
classically female traits than has currently been explored. So I believe
that estrogens regulate verbality and sociality, for example. I also predict
that estrogens are crucial to the development or function of the corpus
callosum. In my own case, I think that once I am generating a lot of
estrogens, I should be able to reduce my OPC-85 consumption, perhaps even
eliminate taking the pills. Every other time I've tried weening myself, I've
seen visible effects within a few days, most noticeably an increase in nasal
goo. (Hmm... I wonder if estrogens are implicated in immune response or
histological function...) In any event, if I can replace OPC-85 with
estrogens, I'm going to take that as proof positive of the theory and go
whole hog toward better living through chemistry.
As for my approach to raise my estrogen levels, it's a simple three-fold one.
First, I've stopped regular masturbation, since estrogens are consumed during
the production of sperm. Aye, my collosal porn collection shall lay fallow
for awhile. ;-) Second, I'm going to get fat. Really fat. I want billions
of happy widdle adipose cells churning out estrogen. Third, I'm changing my
diet Yet Again (TM). I'm going to focus on intaking a lot more cholesterols,
oils, and phyto-estrogens, as well as soy, seaweed, red wine, and dark
chocolate. That's in addition to the shit-ton of calories I'm going to eat
just to get fat. I'm focusing specifically on aromatase and C19 precursors,
since those seem to have the greatest benefit to estrogen production in
males. Know any foods that are rich in them?
LESSONS (RE)LEARNED: THE CALL FOR VIGILANCE
"Remain ceaselessly vigilant. When your attention lapses, demons can act
through you. Living every moment of your life is the only assured
guarantee that demons won't live it for you." -- Incarnation 1
"The great tragedy is lost time spent relearning a lesson you already knew.
Life life right the first time around, and never, ever make the same
mistake twice." -- Incarnation 2
Something I knew when I was very young was that a conscious life requires
constant vigilance. When I was battling my inner demons, I was present at
every moment: you have to be, lest they trick you and escape. I created new
and improved me's called Incarnations on a regular basis, pushing the
envelope of self-evolution. Once I felt like I had finally escaped my
violent heritage... I became lax. I stopped making new Incarnations,
changing instead to an iterative Angel of Death system of self-improvement.
An unfortunate side effect is that my self-monitoring is a fraction of what
it used to be, back in my psychotic "don't want to even potentially hurt
people" days. (Incarnation 9 would have caught the change in emotional
processing two weeks after he came back from India, and been hot on the
pursuit of a solution the same day. Even restrictive psychoses can be
admirably efficient at times.)
I must sadly admit: I've become complacent thinking that I had "arrived"
at being a good person, that I could fly on autopilot, and that the Angel of
Death was a "good enough" me for the rest of my life. I have a mountain of
good karma built up, I help far more people than I hurt, isn't that enough?
I knew the answer to this misleading question when I was seven years old.
Just because you've done good, doesn't mean you stop doing good. I can still
grow... and I must improve if I'm to remain true to myself. Being a good
person is a choice we re-make every moment of our lives, and situations
change fast enough to obsolete yesterday's good-intentioned habits.
Constant adaptation is essential to preservation. To illustrate, let's take
a best case scenario. Suppose my incredible hypothesis turns out to be true,
I regain my previous empathy, and I return to being a Kim in communion with
emotions. Hallelujah! So... what happens when I hit 40 and start going
through "menopause"? In order to preserve my hard-won empathy, I'll have to
find a whole new set of alternatives. And then something else will come up,
and I'll have to adapt yet again. That's the way of life, and I need to
reincorporate some old mechanisms to guarantee I stay present in the now.
I've already laid the groundwork for the first new Incarnation in six years:
Incarnation 23.
I will be a stagnant, unfeeling schmuck no longer... and never again. I feel
like I have lost months of my life to complacency, allowing myself to slide
down an emotionless slippery slope through my own negligence. No more! I
will dance between the seconds as I did long ago, even if I have to build a
per-second clock cycle into my new Incarnation. I cherish life, and I'm
going to live in it every moment I can. I accept that the expression of who
I really want to be will be a constant contest against my biology and
circumstances. So be it. Hell, it'll probably make things more interesting
that way. ;-)
Here's the next installment in the story of my life:
When I was a man, I discovered that the long arm of genetics that had molded
my uncaring father was still shaping me, and my struggle with paternity
mutated into a battle with biology. I reassumed my ever-present vigil,
learned to compensate for dimished emotions, and experimented to regain my
youthful empathy. Reaffirming my choice as a compassionate, honorable
individual, I set off to craft a new me yet again. I remembered that I could
still grow, that I could be more than I was. As a man, I decided to become
more... like a woman. :-)