Hakeem Olajuwan's thoughts on the possibility of Houston getting Charles Barkley:
"If we have Barkley, I will be happy. If we don't, I'm very happy."
"And San Antonio has a river---the San. What is the name of that river? The San Antonio River goes right through the heart of downtown Los Angeles."
-Ed "Superfan" Biegler
"I am a victim of circumcision."
-Pirates coach Pete Vukovich on being ejected from a game
"The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made."
-Monte Clark
"If the system is changed to legalize what has been defined as unlawful, then opportunities for cheating will plummet."
-from a TSN article
"I sent Jake [John ("Uniball") Kruk] one of those fruit and nut baskets when he was in the hospital. I don't know if he'll eat the fruit, but I know he'll appreciate the nuts."
-Larry Anderson
"I don't know. I've never smoked artificial turf."
-Tug McGraw when asked if he preferred grass or artificial turf.
"There is nothing the fear but Fehr himself."
-said by baseball owners everywhere
"I don't like reporters. Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
-Pedro Guererro
The 1995 Rotisserie League Baseball Handbook on Pat Borders:
"If you read this august journal every year, you know that Borders has been buried more times than Richard Nixon, only to come back from the grave. But this time, for both Pat and Dick alike, it's for keeps. After a hall of fame start, Carlos Delgado was sent back to the minors to learn how to catch and rediscover how to hit. He learned both lessons well, so Toronto won't have Borders to kick around anymore."
"Let me be the one you want to dismember."
-Tom Lehrer
"...and you remind me of my therapist, but you don't cost a thing."
"To forgive is human; to punish, divine."
"Ooh, Beezlebub. Cool!!!!!!!!!"
Comment: "To be great is to be misunderstood."
Response: "Huh?"
"All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."
"Life is like a used vacuum cleaner. Sometimes it suck; sometimes it doesn't."
"Editing is like a new vacuum cleaner. It always sucks!"
"The easiest way to succeed is to redefine failure as success."
"We did not fail! We merely circumvented success."
-from a beer commercial
"Give us this day our daily week."
"I hope today we have lots of luck; give us this day our daily f--k."
"There is no corner on this, uh... uh... sleeze factor."
-George Bush
"I have no mouth, but I must scream."
"I'm not insignificant; it only seems that way."
"Stories of tortures used by debauchers- lurid, licentious, and vile- make me smile."
-Tom Lehrer
"When correctly viewed, everything is lewd."
-Tom Lehrer