Wonka facing reporters after his factory's shutdown.
HERSHEY, Pa. The Willy Wonka Confection Factory
was shut down Tuesday morning on several counts of labor
violations. Acting on a tip from an anonymous child, code-named
"Charlie", federal and state agents staged an early-morning raid
on the Wonka compound. Upon entering the factory, they discovered
dozens of captive Oompa-Loompas kept in what labor officials
called "extremely inhospitable, albeit tasty, conditions."
"Frankly, we were shocked," said Labor Department Secretary
Alexis Herman. "These people were forced to wade in the Chocolate
River up to 17 hours a day. They were not permitted to leave the
factory grounds under any circumstances, and were occasionally
killed in bizarre candy-related mishaps. Wonka was basically
running a chocolate sweatshop here."
Officials were most taken aback by the extremely poor quality of
life at the facility. The workers were regularly exposed to
chemicals so potent that their skin was stained bright orange,
and the whole group was forced to wear ugly white jodhpurs as
uniforms. The factory housing was "appalling," said eyewitnesses,
who described scenes of more than 40 Oompa-Loompas cramped into
a single bedroom, sleeping in piles of their own nougat.
Despite these hardships, a day’s pay at the factory was $1.14 — hardly enough to live on, considering that the workers
were paid in chocolate gilt.
Wonka facing reporters after his factory's shutdown.
"Wonka hasn't being paying his workers a loomping wage," said
labor leader Jimmy Hoffa Jr. "He's taken a sunrise, sprinkled it
with labor violations and covered it with chocolate and a pack of
filthy lies. I hope they throw his candy-ass in the can."
Mr. Wonka responded to the charges with a public declaration of
innocence. "I am shocked to have these heinous charges levied
against me," he said. "I have shown nothing but kindness to my
Oompa-Loompas. I treat them as well as they've come to expect,
and no better than they deserve. Wait, let me rephrase that."
Behind the scenes, however, he has maneuvered to keep his
business going at all costs. Several days after the factory
closure, he resumed production by staffing the factory with
Keebler elves as interim workers. A group of Loompa
sympathizers quickly assembled outside, picketing the factory and
chanting slogans such as "Down With Keebler Scabs", "Wonka is an
Everlasting Job-Stopper", and "No Blood For Candy!". E.L. Fudge
Cleaver, leader of the Loompa-power group The Sugar-Free Panthers,
gave a rousing speech urging his brethren to start "sticki'n it to
the Candy Man."
The Oompa-Loompas, for their part, seem excited by the new
opportunities available to them. Peggy Lembeck, a social worker
helping to resocialize the Oompa-Loompas, reported, "They were
very intrigued to learn that people in America do not have to
constantly stay indoors for fear of being eaten by Vermicious
Knids." She added that the Oompa-Loompas were also amazed by
Western cultural advances such as shoes, computers, and non-sugary
foodstuffs. "Poor dears, they thought it was normal to need daily
insulin injections by your late teens."
When asked for comment, a group of Loompas sang, "Oompa, loompa,
doompity-dee; We're very glad that we've been set free. Oompa,
loompa, doompity-dass; we're hiring a lawyer to sue Wonka's ass."
Recent events at the Wonka factory are eerily reminiscent of the
violent labor strike at the Electric Company in 1976. For readers
too young to remember those four tumultuous days, we provide a
synopsis here:
(synopsis omited)
Poor Mr. Wonka