Modern Quasi-Comestible Dynamics evolved naturally from the intrinsic
properties of the two
most obviously mungish states of Mung - Spam and Tofu. All of this can be
reduced to two fundamental principles:
It is readily apparent from these two undeniable facts that Tofu can become
any other substance simply by the addition of energy. Thus, Tofu is
essentially formless - a sort of "raw matter" from which anything else can be
made. Spam, naturally, is the ultimate end product of this process.
This suggests a universal, continuous universal flow of the primordial Tofu towards the eventual Total Spamification of all matter. Obviously, then, Spam is the highest-entropy form of matter, while Tofu is the lowest-entropy. Anything else falls somewhere in between, and is in the process of conversion from Tofu to Spam. Although some other thinkers may claim that the universe is an immense can of Spam, this is not strictly true. The universe is instead an intermediate in the unstoppable conversion of Tofu to Spam.
The only point still left unclear is the result of cooking Spam with Tofu. Obviously, the Tofu will be converted to Spam, but this large a jump in entropy calls for some release of energy. The nature of this energy was at this point poorly-understood, and generally beyond the bounds of the predicting power of the simple Tofu-Spam continuum.
The critical step in tracking down this energy came with the realization that this and another tantalizing puzzle were really the two complementary halves of the same basic phenomenon.
Anyone who has ever used a Brillo pad may have noticed some unusual properties of these unique objects with respect to the law of conservation of mass. The pad begins its life as a wad of steel wool covered in an anomolous pink powder. When the pad is introduced to water, the powder reacts to form a bubbling, oily pink fluff. As the pad is used to clean dirty dishes, the fluff remains in almost exactly the same proportion, although it may take on a grayish color.
The steel wool is a different story. Throughout the scrubbing process, it
gradually breaks into smaller and smaller pieces - until eventually there is
Obviously, this mass cannot be simply lost - it must continue to exist, albeit in a radically changed form. Careful inspection of the pink fluff reveals that it has not increased in mass, so the steel wool must be transformed into some type of radiation. (Editor's note: the role of the pink fluff as a catalyst in this reaction is still under scrutiny by cometent research scientists in Boy Scout troops everywhere.)
As this radiation had not previously been known to exist, it needed a name, and was promptly dubbed "Brillotonic Radiation" in honor of its first known source. Subsequent study has proven conclusively that Brillotonic Radiation is also detectible by an ordinary television set tuned to the local Public Broadcasting station. It had long been suspected that no mere human scriptwriters could be capable of producing such excellent, yet special-effects-free, series as Dr. Who and Monty Python's Flying Circus. Now we have proof.
Given all this, it is reasonable to suppose that the entire universe is a burst of brillotonic radiation. Since this form of radiation is detectable as public broadcasting, the universe must be an episode of Masterpiece Theatre, or a British sitcom. Reality is weird, but not as weird as Doctor Who.
Being inquisitive individuals, Dave Cohen and I devised a definitive test to discover just which PBS program we are living in. It is a well-known theorem that, during any British sitcom, howls of laughter from British women in the British studio audience can be heard whenever anyone says the word "bottom." Therefore, five or six people were acquired and we all said the word "bottom" pretty loud (some of us even used fake English accents.) No laughter was heard. Thus, the world is Masterpiece Theatre, QED.
At this point the reader may be thinking something along these lines: