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"Deep Thoughts"
by Jack Handey

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody started laughing, I could say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I don't think I'm alone when I say that I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

A kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with his own urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's a world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.